Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/powerthirst

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Revision as of 03:39, December 18, 2009 by Matfen (talk | contribs)

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FAQ

edit powerthirst

XcaptainXobliviousX 03:58, December 10, 2009 (UTC) yeah. first article. the old one sucked balls, got huffed like, idk, 5 times or so. wrote this up today. tell me where it sucks. so i can make it, like, not and stuff. i guess.

Hey, reasonable American dude. Small Uncyclopedic world.--Matfen 03:39, December 18, 2009 (UTC)


Prose Concept Humour Images Misc Score Summary

edit Reviewer details:

A little bit about the reviewer before we start.

A reasonable British dude, who is currently suffering from an episode of insomnia, and therefore should not have this review taken too seriously.

edit Prose and Formatting:

How good does it look and how well does it read? 5

{{{Pcomment}}}

Writing style

The tone is mostly befitting to the article. The small script extract is a bit random, and might be frowned upon by some users who don't like changes in style very much. I'm part of the minority which doesn't care, however. That part would be upto you if you wanted to keep it, or reword it into normal prose, although this would lose most of it's comedic value as the humour's in the dialogue.

Spelling

See grammar...

Grammar

Capitalisation needs sorting on the quotes, as they looks quite amateurish, like an IP half assedly put them there. Sort it out on the pictures, as well.

You might want to put "in an attempt" in the first sentence, rather than "as an attempt". Add a comma too.

It should be "were" on the second paragraph.

You should really make it clear that health foods often taste bad, even though they are good for you. This makes the humour more clear when you say that despite it tasting like my mum's cooking (bad), it is not good for you. Reading the sentence as it is, I'm naturally assuming that Good taste = Good for you, Bad Taste = Bad for you

You might want to say "nobler cause" rather than "more noble cause".

"After perfecting a cure for cancer," maybe?

The whole, chemicals mixing together accident section, is a bit wordy, but the Jury's out on this one. Keep it, or split it in two with a full stop. Whatever...

On the "Actual Creation" section, the introductory sentence doesn't make full sense. Who realised? Why would the officials care that their parents didn't believe them. Its almost like an abbott and costello sketch, but without the humour.

On the dialogue section, you might want to bolden their names, and possibly indent the whole thing to set it apart from the rest of the section.

On the Rocket section, the -example- are a bit overused. Perhaps commas would suffice?

Layout

It's okay I guess... I think I covered major formatting in the grammar.

Overall appearance

It's a bit here, there, everywhere.

edit Concept

How good an idea is behind the article? 7

I'm british (as you know), so I wouldn't have any knowledge on America's national only products. I looked it up on wiki, and no result, so I assume this is a parody of sports and health drinks in general, rather than any specific one. Good idea. However, because it's not a recognisable name brand, you can't really just launch in with "it's poison". That could work with something people recognise as a health drink, but this relies solely on it's title sounding like a health drink. So you should really lead with, it's a health drink, and then go into it being poison.

edit Humour

How funny is it? Why is it funny? How can it be funnier? 5

Can be done better, but the prose and formatting has ruined the jokes for me (and anyone who's seen it so far, technically). The attack on republicans at the end seems a bit misplaced to me, but whatever. My views are more often than not, at the opposite of the general public's. Also, I don't really get what the Rocket edition's point is, or what it's trying to say. On the whole, a lot could be done with a parody of sport's drinks, but this article misses a lot of it. I'd give suggestions myself but I'm personally too tired to think of any. It's also not really a reviewer's job to come up with whole article ideas. It's more their job to criticise existing ideas and say how they could be better... What? Don't look at me like that.

edit Images

How are the images? Are they relevant, with good quality and formatting? 6

First, they need their captions properly formatted. At least they are all relevant. However, what would be really cool is if there was a mock up of whatever Powerthirst aims to parody at the beginning, rather than the pile of dirt/shit, which is fine for middle paragraphs, but it's a bit blunt to open with.

edit Miscellaneous

The article's overall quality - that indefinable something. 5

I'd put the average thing down, but I can't be bothered find the code for it. I think it would be around 5 though. Whatever...

edit Final score

Prose
5
Concept
7
Humour
5
Images
6
Misc
5
Final Score
28

edit Summary

An overall summation of the article.

A lot of potential. It's upto you to fix this article. But I'm sure a reasonable American dude like yourself is more than capable.

This was a PEE review by (Signature of reviewer)
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