From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
- I'm currently trying to review this. ~ 15:08, Jan 3, 2010
|Humour:||5||Well, I like to pick older requests to review, and I'm currently avoiding the cricket ones and that other one that doesn't make sense. So, anyway, here I am, but that doesn't mean your article was easy to understand either. I had to spend 40 minutes reading through the external links you put in the article to get an idea of what you were talking about, which is not good. You know, your article is not very reader-friendly, and a bit too insidey. Making the article incomprehensible might be a viable concept, but I recommend against it, see the box below.
I don't know how many people have told you to read UN:HTBFANJS, but here I am to tell you to read it again. I also recommend reading featured articles to get an idea of how things are done around here, but I don't have any specific ones in mind at the moment.
As I read the article, I also got a sense of "information overload". To explain:
My prescription for inside references are: reduce, explain, or (a new one) exploit well-known stereotypes. A stereotype is a set of characteristics that come together. They can help people make sense of an article about an obscure subject, and most importantly, stereotypes are funny. You could incorporate stereotypes of scientologists and 4channers into the article, for instance.
Here is also an example of how to explain something (sorry if it sucks, just trying to illustrate a point):
So what I've done is putting the explanation before the joke, and not mention it like an afterthought. I think this really helps as it sets the context first, and it also plays the "straight man". I cannot stress enough the importance of straight-man-playing. Also notice that the joke goes at the end of the sentence and not the middle. This also helps, because the joke is like a "punchline", and usually needs to be at the end to be fully appreciated.
It's very hard to write humourously on a subject that you have a very strong view of. You might not see a neutral viewpoint on many Uncyclopedia articles that are considered good, but the writers don't feel strongly enough to stage a protest or launch an edit war. Many articles also simply make fun of the viewpoints that they employ, such as employing the voice of a redneck (and making fun of them) in this article: I will never forget. This is another concept that you can use. While writing, I recommend detaching yourself ever so slightly from the subject matter, just enough to see your own foibles, but not enough to prevent it from being funny. Also, remember this article: Nobody cares.
|Concept:||5||In most cases, a good concept is needed to carry the jokes. It really helps if you have a clear idea of what you aim for.
|Prose and formatting:||7||Your prose is good, with minimal spelling and grammar mistakes, but I wasn't really looking carefully. I have one complaint though. It is that you seem to like to use long sentences, with a lot of technical jargon thrown in, and they end up sounding like drivel (too harsh?). Here's what I mean:
Yes, like I said before, lighten up on the social commentary. I have also placed the jokes at the end of the sentence, and broken it up so that it's easier to read. Other sentences can also use some rewording like this.
|Images:||4||Motivational posters? Really? At least have the decency to crop out the edges and type in the caption. That being said, you should probably find new images, preferably those that illustrate the article. They don't have to be funny by nature, and a funny caption often works wonders. For instance, the one with the aliens you can keep, and you could probably caption it with something like "Scientology lawyers preparing to sue 4Chan hackers."|
|Miscellaneous:||5.3||I hope you have more success as you continue to improve the article, but please remember that Uncyclopedia is not a place to advocate some kind of agenda. As usual, you are free to disagree with me or request a second opinion. I'm sorry if my review is too harsh (I really hope it isn't).|
|Final Score:||26.3||If you need further help/clarification/advice/stuff, I am available on my talk page, but I'm still a noob trying to learn the ropes.|
|Reviewer:||~17:24, Jan 3, 2010|