Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/lower case 2
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I have already had a pee review  for this article with a score of 13, and have made the changes advised to me. I just want to see if anyone thinks it's ready yet for the mainspace. I did try to get at least a little bit of all the categories in, but I don't know if I'm being HTBFANJS.
PEE REVIEW IN PROGRESS
of giving you his opinion and pretending you care.
|Humour:||1||To briefly answer your question: No. This is not ready for mainspace. If it were put into mainspace, it would be ICU'ed or VFD'ed, and deleted.
The reason is that, unfortunately, it is not funny. Let's take it piece-by-piece and find out why.
Here's a little trick I use to apprise whether an article fails HTBFANJS. If I take all the proper nouns and replace them with the phrase "my penis," does the article become funnier or less funny? Let's find out?
"it was created by my penis and is mainly used by members of a group of irs agents founded by my penis. this use has terrorized the inhabitants of my penis for generations."
I hate to say it, but I think that's actually an improvement. If "my penis" can improve an article, the article was terrible to begin with. Sorry. (Note: Please do not talk about your penis in this article. While an improvement, that sentence is still terrible and delete-worthy.)
Look, for an article to be funny, the article almost always has to have some relation to its subject. Actually, when I look through the article history, it seems you've taken out the only sentence that was even mildly amusing: "the lower case, in english and other latainian languages, is an alternate set of letters for when one gets tired of writing with the caps lock on."
See, there's a joke there. The joke is that the author thinks that people enjoy TYPING IN ALL CAPS, and that lower case exists to give them a little break from it. It's not the funniest joke in the world, but my brain is capable of identifying it as a joke, which makes the corners of my mouth curl slightly upwards. This is called a "weak grin."
But "it was created by oprah winfrey and is mainly used by members of a group of irs agents founded by robin williams" - my brain cannot recognize that as a joke. It's just a bunch of patent nonsense that makes me wish we were talking about penises instead.
In a good article, ever single *word* is important. Every single word needs to be part of the setup for a punchline, or part of a punchline. Pointless extraneous details are neither, and thus they need to be drug out and shot.
This is about the equivalent of going to Barnes and Noble, buying a novel, and reading page 1: "The flibberhoppen was grolling on the grisly grenawald. By the way, this will all make sense if you turn to page 42." So you turn to page 42, and the whole page is smeared with dog shit. That is how I felt about your article when I ran across that fake link. That you weren't merely sucking as a writer, but that you had actually maliciously smeared shit all over my book. That fake link took my mood from "This guy needs some help" to "This guy needs a headbutt."
But... I'm here to help you, not to headbutt you. So, helpful advice: remove the fake link. Moving on.
Okay, so here's what I can identify as humor in your article: 1. That lowercase type doesn't make good calligraphy.
That is such a dreadful payoff that there is no reason for anyone in their right mind to read this.
|Concept:||1||Every article needs a concept. And, 99% of the time, the concept should be to tweak something in the real world so it becomes funny. Watch some SNL sketches, and you'll see that they almost all do this. "What if a game show host refused to let his guests talk?" "What if someone robbed a bank but was too shy to speak loudly enough for people to hear?" "What if a famous record producer was bizarrely obsessed with the cowbell?"
What you don't see in SNL is a game show host refusing to let his guets talk, and then an Oprah impersonator walks on the stage and announces that she invented the show, and then a Robin Williams impersonator walks on the stage and announces that he's from the IRS. And the reason you don't see it is that it breaks the concept. The concept is the joke, and everything that happens on the stage has to support the joke. If you don't support the joke, but instead introduce random nonsense, you ruin the joke.
It's the same thing with articles. So, what's your concept here? What's your "What if"?
"What if the Universe was a totally different place where Oprah Winfrey was a pilgrim and Robin Williams was in the IRS and that had something to do with lowercase letters?"
Nope. If that even does describe your concept - and I don't think it does - it's not any good.
Articles start with an idea, not with a title. You need an idea about lower case letters to get started.
|Prose and formatting:||5||Your prose isn't too terrible. Your sentences are concise and readable, even if they ultimately don't make sense. Putting the article entirely in lowercase letters was a little obvious, but it works. The last picture is kind of hanging off the bottom. The Table of Contents creates a very large amount of whitespace at the top because the lede is so short. So, this one's a mixed bag. The article isn't ridiculously ugly, but it could use some prettying.|
|Images:||3||I personally think three pictures are too many for an article of this length. The picture of the lowercase character set is a good one to establish the article, and the caption is slightly amusing in its obviousness, so that's good. The cover of Flubber - ugh. That has nothing at all to do with the article, except that Robin Williams is there, but even though Robin Williams is in the article, *he* doesn't have anything to do with the article. And then the caption tries to explain why the cover to Flubber is ridiculously force-fitted into the article. That's worse than unfunny; that's annoying. Lose that picture. The final picture is of an envelope that says "taxes." That's a competent illustration of the article, I guess, but since the idea of lowercase taxation is never explained and doesn't make any sense, the picture can't really enhance the humor of something that wasn't humorous to begin with.|
|Final Score:||11||I don't think this article is fixable. And the reason it isn't fixable is that you have no idea what you want to write. Let's face it: you don't have anything funny to say about lowercase letters. There's no idea behind this article at all. You can ramble on about random celebrities being born during various centuries for pages, but this will never get any funnier.
So, what you should really do is chalk this one up to a practice article. And then come up with a funny way to make fun of something. As you go through your life, think "Wouldn't it be absurd if, in this situation..." as often as you can. Before you know it, you'll have an idea for an article. And then start with *that*. We're a lot less worried about whether you've mastered WikiML and whether you can make a page look pretty and whether there are an appropriate number of pictures and links in your article, than we are with whether you can tell a joke. If you tell us some really funny jokes, we'll make your article look awesome. I promise.
So... yeah. Let this one go, and start fresh with something new. Best of luck to you!
|Reviewer:||00:35, January 21, 2011 (UTC)|