Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/kangaroo Cavalry

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edit kangaroo Cavalry

edit Kangaroo Cavalry

Origins:

   Since the creation of the Kangaroo, Aboriginals throughout
Australia have used these dinosaurs in waging war. These mammoth
creatures were originally used to transport large numbers of warriors,
however, over the years they have been modified to become one of the
most elite forces of the Australian Army.


War Heroes:

   The most celebrated and decorated members of the Kangaroo Cavalry
is Denzel Washington. Denzel Washington recieved his first medal
in the Australian War of Independance against the Communist Koalas;
In this war, Denzel Washington recieved Australia's highest medal
(The Golden Vegimite) for his assassination of the Nazi Communist Ku
Klux Klan Koala, Gandhi.


Kangaroocavalry 17:56, 27 April 2009 (UTC)

Masaru

PEE REVIEW IN PROGRESS

Hyperbole is engaged in the dual processes
of giving you his opinion and pretending you care.
Humour: 2 Hello, Kangaroocavalry, and welcome to Uncyclopedia!

Okay, so, first things, first. It looks like you want to write an article called "Kangaroo Cavalry." You've written the beginning of that article on your userpage, at User:Kangaroocavalry, and you've cut and pasted it into this Pee Review.

Keep in mind that it's perfectly okay to actually just start writing the article. Just go to Kangaroo Cavalry, start writing, and if you only get as far as you have now, you can type {{WIP}} at the bottom, which will give you a week to finish it.

Okay, so let's look at these paragraphs themselves.

Your first paragraph sets up the concept of your article - that aborigines used to ride kangaroos into battle. That's a funny image, and it could work. But there's some weird stuff in here. You say "the creation of the Kangaroo," implying that kangaroos were invented at some point after Aborigines existed, which is weird. You say that kangaroos are dinosaurs, and you say that they're enormous dinosaurs that can transport many people.

So, at this point, we're not even talking about kangaroos. We're talking about, I don't know, artificial mechanical dinosaur troop transports that are called "kangaroos"?? These details just confuse me. And the funny mental image of aborigines riding kangaroos into battle is just gone.

As a general rule, when you write up an article, find a funny concept and stick to it. Don't just type every random piece of nonsense that pops into your head until there's no concept at all.

The second paragraph is just random nonsense. Denzel Washington, an American, is riding in an aboriginal kangaroo cavalry for no reason. There are Communists there for no reason. The communists are Koalas for no reason. Gandhi, the Indian, is a German nazi, who was assassinated by Denzel Washington... no, these aren't jokes. This is just nonsense.

For something to be funny, it usually has to be coherent, and it usually has to satirize something. Just listing random celebrities and having them do random things is never funny. Consider the following sentence:

Tom Cruise and Mario jumped onto Battle Cat's back, put her in second gear, and flew to Sweden, where they ate toast made of the number seven.

Is that funny? No. It's just fucking weird. And that's approximately where your article is right now.

A piece of advice: read our how-to article, HTBFANJS. It's a little mini-guide to writing articles, and it talks at length about this kind of stuff.

Concept: 3 There's some humor to be found in the idea of a kangaroo cavalry. You could joke about how Aborigines kangaroo cavalries were feared by European settlers, or how they didn't hold up well in World War 2. Really, this is an idea that has the potential to be made funny.

The trick, though, is that this will probably only work if you change one thing about the real universe - the idea that kangaroos were used like warhorses. If you start changing things at random (Gandhi was a Nazi, Denzel and Gandhi lived at the same time, Denzel killed Gandhi, etc.), it goes from funny to just random nonsense.

Prose and formatting: 5 There's really nothing wrong with your prose; the sentences are, at least, readable. There's no formatting to speak of, since you haven't really started the article yet. We can work on that later.
Images: 0 You don't have any images, and this article needs one. If someone did a good Photoshop of warriors riding kangaroos into battle, that would have the potential to be truly hilarious.
Miscellaneous: 2 Honestly, what you have now is an amusing idea and a weak first draft. You'll need a lot more than that to write a good Uncyclopedia article.
Final Score: 12 Again, welcome to the site! I hope you decide to stick around. You can hit me up on my talk page if you have any questions. Good luck!
Reviewer: Tinymasaru.gifpillow talk 19:05, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
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