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Yeah... I kinda got bored and rewrote it, actually portraying it as the incompetent device it is as opposed to the son of Satan or whatever it was beforehand.
Enjoy! Crazyhorse 13:34, February 25, 2010 (UTC)
I'll do this one, though if anyone else really fancies doing a review feel free to do it first. --00:03, February 26, 2010 (UTC)
- Well I had planned to do this now but have ended up going into work early, I'll still do this one, but the earliest that I can do it will be Sunday night, anyone who turns up before then is welcome to it. -- 13:51, February 26, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||3||OK, there are a few problems with your humour here, there are some instances where you are on the right lines with it and I thought that some of your jokes definitely demonstrate some potential, however these jokes are outnumbered somewhat by other less desirable aspects of the article. Please bear in mind that while there will be criticism in this review, I am trying to help you make the article better. The very first thing that struck me was that your basic ideas for humour do not really provide much scope for laughs, obviously you are saying that the iPhone isn't great, but that is practically all you say, as I read through the article I was desperate for some variation on this idea, you got the point that the iPhone isn't all it is cracked up to be across to me, and then you continue to focus on this idea throughout the article. Consider the effect that this will have on someone reading your article, while you may have a valid point in saying that the iPhone is a poor piece of kit, a reader wants to see more than this. Permit me to expand, if I were writing an article about Darth Vader and I decided that I wanted to make the fact that he is evil a staple of the article then there are ways that this can be successful and ways that it will not be. For instance, if I say "Darth Vader was a Sith Lord and thus held a position of high command in the Galactic Empire. He is renowned for irredeemably evil acts across the galaxy and has received several Imperial commendations for such dedication to his craft. His work on Endor, where he viciously enslaved, oppressed and killed the indigenous Ewok population, is just one of his many crowning glories". Now while what I have written there is not the funniest thing you will ever read I hope it gets the point across; that by varying the way I tell the reader that he is evil I make it funnier than if I had said "Darth Vader is a Sith Lord, he is a real tosser when it comes to planets and is even more of a bastard when he gets his hands on the population". Your problem in the article is that you say the iPhone is terrible and then rather than seeing where you can take this idea you stay with it and just say what features make it bad. My recommendation is that you take a look at HTBFANJS, also try to remember what people who come to read your article will be looking for, they will be looking for a humourous slant on a popular gadget, they will not be looking for an article that is just a hate speech about them. My strongest recommendation is that you take a step back and consider where you want to go with this one.
As I mentioned above you should take some time to decide what you want to do with this one, if you take a look at some of our featured articles you will note that they all have something that they focus on directly throughout, something that keeps them different. If you look at what this article does and take a look at these two apple related articles you will find some helpful pointers. My recommendation is that you take some time to plan out your work and decide what you want to make your jokes about. The most important thing for you when doing your planning is that you read and understand how to be funny and not just stupid, it is an incredibly useful resource for new writers and I cannot recommend it enough to you. I am not saying that your jokes are totally stupid, I'm saying that you have to understand the sort of thing that the uncyclopedia community looks for in articles. Once you understand that you should devote some time to editing down your existing work to fit in your planned structure, I realise that it is difficult to delete work that you have spent large amounts of time and effort on, but one of the hallmarks of a good writer is being able to look at their own work and decide, "Is this good or bad?"; using HTBFANJS go through your work and make cuts and changes.
Beyond the above there is little to say about your present jokes, what I enjoyed most was when you were imaginative with the ways you dismissed the iPhone, saying things like: "Cumbersome methods of synchronisation and activation have never been so much more convenient" is excellent and I was pleased to see you grasping what readers are looking for in put-downs, this demonstrates to me that you have the ability and that if you take some more time with the rest of this article it can be equally excellent.
|Concept:||3||Your concept is reasonable though, spending too much time on Uncyclopedia as I do, I have seen the whole Apple are teh suxx0rz, idea wheeled out over and over again, thus for anyone who spends a reasonable amount of time here the concept for this one is going to be weak at best, and downright annoying at worst. You should also consider your tone, you are writing in what currently feels like the encyclopaedic tone, thus you should do your best to avoid being colloquial. What I mean by this is that you should avoid saying things like "pwned" or "fanboi" as they make the article's narrative sound unprofessional and immature. Take a look at the wikipedia article and take some pointers from the tone it uses, if you are having trouble deciding how you would make such a tone amusing then you should try taking a look at this article.|
|Prose and formatting:||4||Some more work is needed here too. Your spelling and grammar is reasonable, I saw a few errors as I read through and you should endeavour to fix these, you are using the wrong tone to spell things wrong deliberately and not have it be a constant feature of the article. You should proofread your work carefully after making any changes, some users find that proofreading is quite an effort, especially after having spent a long time working on an article, in which case you can submit your work to the proofreading service and someone will check it through for you. You should endeavour to fix all and any red links in the article unless they are part of a joke, as they are quite ugly and have the interesting ability to drive some of our established users mental. You only have one image and I would strongly suggest that you add a second, you have plenty of room for one, so spend some time choosing a second one.|
|Images:||4||Your current image is reasonable, but it isn't very easy to see what is happening in the brain, indeed, in order to ascertain that the image was of the iPhone loading a page I had to increase it to full size and squint, this may just be my PC or indeed my eyes, but I would suggest you ask around to see if others are having a similar problem. If you are struggling for images then check out the Apple related articles that I added above. The existing image isn't too bad and the caption is OK, but you just need a bit more here.|
|Miscellaneous:||4||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||18||The article is reasonable overall, though I feel you are capable of much more than this. There is potential in your work and I would implore you to explore it further. I realise there is a lot of criticism here and it is disheartening to see that your article hasn't gone down as well as you hoped, remember that this is just my opinion and you should seek out the opinions of others too. It is my hope that you will keep working on this one as you have improved it from what was there previously and you can continue to improve it, if you do I am confident you can make this a very solid article. If you have any questions or comments for me then you can leave them on my talk page. Good luck making any changes.|
|Reviewer:||--11:47, March 2, 2010 (UTC)|