Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/iPad (2nd)

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edit iPad

I've revised, well more like added to, my iPad article as per the suggestions in the last wizz that was taken on it. I'd love to get some feedback on the additions and the article in general so I can weigh whether or not I'm ready to submit it to VHF. Gratsi! --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} 0131 EST 3 February, 2010

still waiting. --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} 1050 EST 7 Feb, 2010
I was waiting for someone more experienced, but what the hell, I'll get it. I have at least the next 3 days off of school, so I have no other responsibilities. Therefore, I'll be done by tomorrow morning (Eastern US Time)Sir ¬_¬ | Banter HOMOPHOBE!!! CUN Icons-flag-us NOTM 22:54, February 8, 2010 (UTC)
many thanks kind sir --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} 18:43 EST 8 Feb 2010
Humour: 9 Oh boy did I laugh. It was hilarious. The humor was immature but still great, and not stupid at all. It also managed to not get too repetitive, although it did a little. I don't know about VFH... but anyway. My section by section analysis:
Introduction Paragraph
Rating: 10

This is where the joke is first laid on the reader, and it works with flying colors. Very, very good. I laughed a lot here.

Development
Rating: 8

The humor here seemed a tiny bit random. Especially "Magical Technology Warlocks" and "Prayed to Buddha". Why are they considered Warlocks, and why is he Buddhist? The rest of the paragraph is fine.

Marketing
Rating:9

The humor here was funny sure, but there was an inconsistency. at first you said "The humor of the name comes from the fact that "iPad" sounds too alike to Apple's other iProducts and may cause confusion in shoppers who are unaware that the iPad is indeed a completely new line of product." but then, the "joke" in the story began to come from the whole thing about a woman's menstruation. I think the satire would be better if you stuck to the first one.

Customer and Product Reviews"
Rating: 9

Haha, I'm from Northern Virginia! The positive reviews were the funnier of the two, but I think that's fine. I don't think it really hinders the article that this is true.

Features
Rating: 9

Just fine, no suggestions needed here, except maybe take out some talk about its features earlier in the article. It eliminates the need to say that you mentioned it before.

Application
Rating:10

A fine one-liner, it was funny. There's no reason for expansion, the punch here is fine.

Running Issues
Rating: 9

The first bullet is great.I didn't really understand the joke in the second one, if there was one, sorry about my slowness. The third one has the same issue I mentioned before, it's too outward and blunt. I think you don't need the parentheses.

Concept: 9 The idea itself is not a bad one, satirizing Apple and a fake product that is extravagant. You made the execution very well, but use the suggestions I mentioned in the humor section. This will help the execution. I was thoroughly entertained throughout. But I think the value of the joke gets a little weak after a while. This is why I support different points of satire while satirizing that main topic, such as the one I suggested above.
Prose and formatting: 9.5 I found no problems with your prose or spelling. You lose a .5 for two reasons. The first one: There are a few grammar problems. A specific one I saw was when you used it's to show possession. It's is it is. No apostrophe needed.`I also had one problem with your formatting.The fake Ipad ad you put on the left makes the paragraph look a little strange. I would suggest either making it a bit less wide, or maybe just moving it to left, but I'm not sure if that would work. Other than that, this section was strong.
Images: 10 Your strongest section. The only recommendation I have is in the formatting section. There are enough images to suit the amount of text, and the images are funny too. The captions as well. Again, a suggestion about making the satire more implied than directly told in the fake Ipad ad. The caption is very direct. This section is short because there's really not much advice I can give you here.
Miscellaneous: 9.4 Average.
Final Score: 46.9 Look, this score is really wonderful. But I would be really careful nominating it for VFH. Seriously, things there are brutal, so I would make sure to do everything I suggested before nominating it. And good luck if you do choose to nominate it, and if you make any changes, don't forget to use HTBFANJS. Good luck!
Reviewer: Sir ¬_¬ | Banter HOMOPHOBE!!! CUN Icons-flag-us NOTM 03:45, February 9, 2010 (UTC)
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