From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
220.127.116.11 18:14, 17 April 2008 (UTC)
and may i just suggest creating a user page while you wait. --orian57 20:19, 19 April 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||i can see you've tried really hard but it was very hit and miss. you had some good lines and ideas but these were sorta lost amungst the scatalogical 'humour' and some of your waaaaay too random lines.
your creature table also could do with a little touching up (in a non-sexual way), putting "iss" and "uss" after words making them pseudo-latin isn't particularly funny, just irritating. put it in a family of desises or bacteria or some other non-fictional nasty. make it cohere with the rest of the article (for "kindom" put "america") and you mention that it makes americans kill people expand this idea in the main article; you have the history of hershys do a "Hershys now" section where there are spates of americans killing in hershy related accidents -- or better yet killing themselves. and "power suply" do go into that otherwise you only have a joke that you get. also try and expand teh article a bit. i don't really like the bit at the bottom it was just too random. if you must have an ingerdients section put it at the start (for cohesion again) and tidy it up a bit.
|Concept:||6||it's ok. i like how you've taken a bar of chocolate and demonised it so badly. the fact that the article hates what it's talking about is pretty good too. but i think you could have maybe played on the fact that its a creature a bit more (doing that now would requre a compleate re-write).|
|Prose and formatting:||6||eh. the story you have is ok. but it's how you tell it that gets in they way of it being good. it was a bit muddled and as i've said random and incoherant. also watch spelling and grammar.
also DYK that you can left align images?
[[Image:Crazyfatkid.gif|thumb|left|A rather unfortunate side-affect of the bar]]
do so (every second if there are three or more) just to make the article look nicer. and you forgot to bolden the first mention of hershys at the top.
|Images:||4||although i suggest you get rid of example image altogether; it's overused and i dislike moving images on articles, they're distracting. replace it with some disease victim and left align it in a more apropriate area. under the table looks out of place.
the one with the cow is ok though. and, though disgusting, the one in the creature template is relevent enough to be acceptable however the sheer disgustingness makes it unfunny. try and get (or make) a picture of a nasty looking hershy bar.
|Final Score:||27.5||it's ok, like i said i can see you've tried hard and (i'm geussing) it's a good first article. also i really sugest you sign up and create a user page, just because it's a good way of becomming part of this wonderful comunity in this dusty corner of the internet. if you want to ask me questions, insult me or just say thanks (for what?) go to my talk page|
|Reviewer:||--orian57 22:55, 19 April 2008 (UTC)|