Basically just an exercise in political correctness.
Sog1970 14:16, March 28, 2011 (UTC)
I'll give you a review ;), You have the honor of deflowering me in the Pee'ing bussines Lock'd And Loaded ~CUN ~ (Shoot!) 16:41, March 28, 2011 (UTC)
I'll start of by saying that i like the "indian name" jokes, some of the names made me laugh. the "My buckskin breech-cloth could contain me no longer" part is quite good, as well as the "standing like statue" part. The story however loses momentum due to the parts between the humour. The parts about the family is well written too. The thing i think needs some more speed/jokes is the saigon war... lots of jokes you tried there just don't reach me. an exeption is the "i don't feel welcome no more". maybe you could try to be a bit more clear on the mexican/sergeant thing. I also noticed that along the middle part the article just becomes a story, its different from the start. Also, you suddenly introduce your sisters during the vietnam war. The entire story is quite sad, but with humour in it, but after the war part it changes to a more "agressive" stance and that just doesn't work as well as the more sad point of view. The jokes are mainly based on funny names, and weird plot twists like killing the father, or the "now i must manage casino alone". there are plenty of those in the start but they are less frequent near the end. Also the "son" part at the start should be phrased differently, it sound like he died right after childbirth, so i was quite surprised when he was still alive in the last paragraph. all in all you should try to speed up the article and try to put more of those "twists" in the middle and last part. I know this is quite a list, but I'm trying to explain the things I think need improving. (I laughed quite a bit while reading) :)
I like the concept but I think you don't the full potential of the article, As i said before, try to keep the "sad" mood in the article, maybe put an "accent" on that abit more. (excuse my bad english)
Prose and formatting:
Well formatted, didn't see any missing Capitol letters, and the "indian style writing" is consistant through the entire article. Maybe there's more potential there tho, like adding a few more jokes that give the reader the wrong idea, like the "make me feel welcome". I quite liked that! :)
I think you need better images, the ones you've added aren't really that funny. As this is one of the first things a reader looks at. Basicly, if the pictures are funny, and with funny captions the reader will be more likely to read the entire story. The best image, in my opinion, is the one with the indian in front of the casion, maybe you could add another one with the "dad joke", him selling cigars and posing as a statue.
Maybe you could also add some links to other pages with "the last of the....".. last of the samourai, last airbender, last stand. a bridge too late ;)
I like the story it has potential and I look forward to reading more of your work!