Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Zombie Americans (3rd time)
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Here's my third entry for my article, Zombie Americans. Enjoy!
Lucyfer & his friend, Wlado! 19:46, July 16, 2011 (UTC)
Didn't mind it. I placed a "Pee Review" box above your article. Phrank Psinatra 19:46, August 30, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||5||Hi! Let’s get started. First of all I would like to point you to one of the suggestions of HTBFANJS, “Outright sarcasm is not a replacement for humour” and “Clearly stating what is either right or obvious in a sarcastic manner comes off less as funny, and more as politically resentful or bitter”. Now clearly this article takes a stance against certain demographics of the American population who are perceived as nationalistic and mindless worshippers of the government. Your political opinion aside, I think that this article needs to do a bit more than just telling the reader that this kind of people suck and the government sucks for being oppressive etc. There is exaggeration and there is understatement, but I feel like most of your jokes are stuck in this awkward middle ground that is not quite either, coming off as a sarcastic rant against some target rather than a well-crafted article with a solid concept.|
|Concept:||5||Now what you need is a concept that ties this article together. We (I) like concepts because it is neat and it emphasizes your message. For instance “Zombie Americans” is a good concept. If you look around featured articles you can see quite a few articles that have a mash-up concept – that is, they mix two things up. They write about A as if they were mistaking it for B but in such a way that comments on and satirises A, is the general gist of these articles. So, the idea is, write about Americans as if you are honest to goodnessly mistaking them for Zombies but in such a way that comments on and satirises the Americans. Example, you can say: Every Fourth of July the Zombie Americans will crawl out of their graves located behind trailer parks and gather, where they will drink beer, party (somewhat slowly), and flash their goods (or bits, provided they’re still attached).
Other concepts are also viable. For instance, along with making fun of the “oppression of the government” you can also make fun of the trend of political correctness. Like Zombie Americans are a minority ethnic group that is beginning to clamour for their rights to vote, have citizenship, eat brains etc. These are the two that I can come up with on the spot. There are, of course, many other ones that you are welcome to use.
Another thing that is good is having a consistent tone, which is one of the finer aspects of your concept. Once you’ve decided what it is, decide on a tone. Is it encyclopedic? Is it in the voice of a narrator, referring to the reader as “you”? Here, this sentence: ‘’“American Zombies are hopeless, delusional worshippers that kiss the government's ass; by showing complete respect to them without worrying if their rulers are corrupted or not”’’ is encyclopedic (they). While this sentence: “They make sure us Zombie Americans take double-doses of vaccines to fight against MSF” is a narrator referring to himself as Zombie Americans (us), while some other sentences use (you).
|Prose and formatting:||7||The formatting is run of the mill average, good enough, but the strike through gets a bit annoying. I also see the strike through as part of not being consistent in tone. I think the grammar and spelling itself is not too bad, not very many obvious mistakes. It could benefit from a proof read but not what you wanna worry about right now.|
|Images:||5||The thing about your article is that it comes off too much like opinionated propaganda or even a sarcastic internet rant. This is the same with your images, like your second one. Two riot officers with sticks standing over children is propaganda against the law enforcement, not a humorous piece worth laughing at. The first one is not too bad, however! Intentional or not, I find the “Zombie American” saying “Get a Brain Moran” kind of funny, because as you know Zombies like brainssss and the misspelling shows that the guy is stupid. This can link back to the mixing two things up concept that I’ve outlined previously. Perhaps the caption can be changed for a more consistent tone.|
|Miscellaneous:||6||I still come around and read articles… occasionally. This is my first review in a loooooong while. Also I would like to note that I don’t agree with the general view of politics presented in the article and it comes off as a bit immature, to me, to say that for instance, fluoridated water and healthcare measures is another way of the government to oppress Americans. Anyway…. Regardless, the stance can still be kept provided it is actually funny.|
|Final Score:||28||amg look what I've done D:|
|Reviewer:||~14:22, Nov 4, 2011|