Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Zenerphobia

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edit Zenerphobia

Williamgeorgefraser 19:50, October 3, 2009 (UTC)

I've got this one, 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 19:37, October 5, 2009 (UTC)
Humour: 3 Alright, your article has some major humour problems, however, it is my hope that you will work to improve this. The first and by far the most important thing you need to do is read HTBFANJS as your article is in violation of most of it. However I will break down the main difficulties here for you. The first thing you need to focus on is to tone back the nonsense and make the article more believable, anyone who reads your article is going to be looking to be amused rather than bemused by nonsense. If you are going to make something up from scratch then you have to make it at least believable so people will buy into it. Saying something like "The band began its life before life began for the band-members as it began while they were still in the womb" isn't amusing because it is nonsense, and nobody wants to read nonsense about something you made up. So try to make the jokes seem feasible, as feasible things are more funny than things that aren't, in this context at least. The second thing would be to tone down the explicit humour, not all readers will find this amusing, in fact it may just annoy some people, so try not to rely on this, profanity or sexual jokes when you are writing. If you have to use explicit humour then try to be less overt with it, for instance; It would be better to say "Phrede, was born in a small town called anus. Unpeturbed by this, and several birth defects, he still went on to become a musician and to this day is regularly praised for 'not being the Jonas Brothers', and was recently recognised with an award for services to the deaf." While that may not be the zenith of humour it is still more likely to garner praise than "Phrède. Born in Anus, Burgundy in 1952. Deaf, dumb, blind, unable to wank as his arms are too short to get down to his cock".

I would recommend you take a long hard look at developing this article from it's current form as currently it isn't very much fun to read. You do make a couple of more amusing jokes, you should try to emulate these in the rest of the article. Jokes like "They have earned many awards notably from ecological groups for their non-use of electricity and plastics in the production of their albums and their great respect for noise-reduction levels" are much better because they are feasible and intelligent. You just need to double check HTBFANJS and you will be well on your way.

Concept: 4 Your concept is reasonable but needs work, for a start you need to decide whether you are doing a profile of theband and the things they have done or whether you are writing a biography on the band members. Even if you want to joke that the band has done nothing, you can still make a reasonable joke out of it. Your tone should be encyclopaedic and you are doing pretty well with this so far. Though when you rewrite you should take care to retain the tone throughout. Take a look at any of the band articles on Wikipedia and look at the formal, and professional tone. This is another reason you should tone down your profanity, it doesn't work when you are giving information as you no longer seem serious, and thus your jokes lose impact.
Prose and formatting: 3 Your prose are very average, you should take care with spelling and grammar, and ensure you proofread effectively. Your spelling and grammar isn't too bad and you should be able to proofread yourself in future, however, if this seems like a horrific way to spend your time then feel free to contact the proofreading service by placing this template: {{Proofread}} on the page. You should also look out for red links, essentially, if there isn't an article to link to, then don't put a link in, or at least make it a non-sequitur. You should also try to have more images in your article, an article of this length should have two at the very least. Don't underestimate the usefulness of an image towards the humour in an article.
Images: 3 You score like this because you have an image, however it is very vaguely linked to the text and only slightly amusing on it's own. Read through the text in your article and, when choosing images, keep it in mind, the image should compliment the text and be amusing on it's own. Your caption is also important, your current caption isn't great, so try to think of something more amusing, again HTBFANJS can help you here.
Miscellaneous: 3 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 16 Ultimately the article is in a very poor shape at the moment, and, on the basis of it's google hits and current humour, could be deleted if it isn't cleaned up. You obviously have some ability to write so try to expand on the good parts and get rid of the bad. If you have any questions, comments, complaints then feel free to place them on my talk page. Remember, if you aren't satisfied with the quality of this review then by all means shove it back on the queue with (2nd look) after the article name as there are many other opinions out there besides mine. Good luck making any changes.
Reviewer: --ChiefjusticeDS 10:15, October 6, 2009 (UTC)
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