Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/You are here
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I created this article to poke fun at what would happen if an overly paranoid person was in a mall with heavy security camera and security presence. Javascap 18:11, 4 March 2008 (UTC)
|A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article|
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).
|Humour:||7||Yeah, it's pretty solid at the moment. It's a good concept, and the overall story arc is quite a good one. I think you could spin in out a little more though, have a bit more fun with the idea. After all, malls offer plenty of opportunities for paranoia and losing it. Think electrical stores with TVs in the window - particularly the ones they have hooked up to cameras to show you how well they work. That's right, a nice big pic of you staring right back at you... And there's the old people sitting on benches, staring at every person under 50 that walks past them with an expression of barely concealed disgust (Or is that just in England?) Factor in a couple of posters (the kind that advertise products "just for you!") and any other examples you can think of, and you can get a bit more out of this idea, I suspect! Keep the overall increase in paranoia and madness fairly gradual until that cathartic ending, and with a bit of luck, more funny will follow.|
|Concept:||8||Yes, I like this concept, it's a solid one and gives you plenty to play with.|
|Prose and formatting:||7||Well written in the main, albeit with a few typos and the like. "Couldn’t they ply with their own", for one. Oh, and there are no apostrophes in plurals - it's Wiis, not Wii's. Although it looks wrong no matter how you spell it! And watch apostrophes in general - possessives do need them, so you don't "rip off the bears head", you "rip off the bear's head". Also, I tweaked the opening a little so it became an intro above the contents box - that feels better, I think, and generally helps the flow of the piece. Finally, watch the flow of your prose. Make sure your sentences don't run on too long, and think about breaking your paragraphs up a bit. General readability is good to bear in mind.|
|Images:||7||OK, about the right number, and captioned well. I think they could all do with shifting up a little bit though. And the emo one could stand to be a little smaller, so it fits with the others. The score of 7 here reflects that they contribute to the article well, but don't add any humour on their own. They're fine though, so I wouldn't sweat it. Having said that, if you do add much more content in, you'll need another one.|
|Miscellaneous:||7.3||Averaged. You knew I was going to do that, did you? HOW?|
|Final Score:||36.3||OK, here's the deal: this is a good idea, and it's not bad at all right now. However, I feel it could really shine with a bit more work. So I've made a few suggestions here, and I hope they help, or at least give you a few ideas. Still, thanks for a decent read over my lunch!|
|Reviewer:||--SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 13:53, Mar 6|