Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/YBox

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edit YBox

I didn't write most of this, but I've cleaned it up a bit and I think it's a great concept. Any suggestions as to how I could expand it without losing the humour ? Coronium's signature 17:28, March 16, 2011 (UTC)

I'll get it. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 19:48, March 16, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 6 First, let me just say this; there are parts of this article where I actually foundd myself laughing out loud. Not in my head, out loud. This hasn't happened since my past life as a court jester for Queen Victoria, when her fiance, Prince Albert, almost choked on a napkin and then tripped on one of our jingle balls, causing him to fall straight into Victoria's bosom with the napkin still lodged in his throat. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? Good, cause I don't...

Anyways, like I think I was saying, there are some good parts in this article which give the article a little bit of life. There are sections though, that could easily be made even funnier with just a little work. This sentence, for example, "The scores of players are recorded via the internet." Maybe you could add some metaphysical notion here, like, "The scores of players are recorded via the internet, assuming that the player can convince the YBox that the internet is not a superficial entity governed by collective thought and effort, but is instead just 'a bundle of cords connected to a server.' "

The one criticism I have to make before I continue is that some of the sentences are either difficult to understand or just don't make any sense. Some of them seem to just use a series of philosophical terms to try and sound humourous, but instead, are more confusing than they are funny, like this, "the interdeterminism of language systems which are developed during game play demonstrate both the noumenal and the phenomenal; it is sufficiently equipridmordial to say that the possibilities are unlimited". Although it makes sense to an extent, I can't really understand why this would be funny. Might want to lower the number of philosophical terms in sentences lile this, creating a better flow and maybe make the sentence more humourous. Another example of a confusing sentence is this, "Heideggerz & co. have awarded the game a 5 star review from all major gaming communities, in reflection of the stars being reflective analogies." How would the company award their own game from all major gaming communities? What? Sentences like this need to be re-written to create a better flow and thus, make the sentence funnier.

If you're looking for an idea of how to expand the article, why not create a section that gives examples of some of the questions asked in the game? Pose the question as a multiple choice question and then afetr asking it, write something like, "If you picked A, B, C, D, or 'skip this shit,' congratulations! You are either completely wrong, or dead-on correct, depending on how the YBox feels about your capabilities. Or maybe you could have a section that talks about the muliplayer capabilities of the game, where players are, "suspended in a virtual landscape of ideas and perplexing idealogies, as characters try to destroy each otherthrough philisophical arguments and/or jumping on each other to have a coin pop out of their ass(Super mario reference there)."

Pretty much, most of everything already in the article is well written, I think you can just add on to it and mak eit more funny. There really is a lot you could add to this article and as long as you keep it within its philisophical focus and keep it simple, it should turn out funny, like this article, in a way.

Concept: 6.5 Now, arguably, a concept about a new type of video game console is a tad bit unoriginal. However, the use of philosophy and exestensalism makes the article a little bit more creative. It does well to use subtle hints at how the article is focused on philosophy, such as the company name and the use names of those two players. With some more work in the humour section, and spelling and grammar, this article should look a lot better. Aside from that, good concept.
Prose and formatting: 6 The main issue here is the spelling and grammar within the article. You have a couple of simple spelling mistakes (I tried to fix as many as I saw), and you also have some sentences that are in need of punctuation, such as here, "which asks the user several hundred different highly difficult questions concerning ontology." You need to insert a comma between 'different' and 'highly difficult,' because those are acting as two adjectives towards one idea. You have some other sentences that have this issue too, but since you're still working on it, I'm sure you'll catch most of them while you're working on it. Also, watch out for some erros in capitalization, I saw some in the article somewhere...

Your formatting is alright for the most part, although there were a couple of sentences that didn't make sense. I outlined them in the humour section though, so look for them there.

Images: 4 The only picture here is that of an xbox. I was originally going to suggest replacing the picture with a photoshopped picture of another console, but it seems that you tie that picture into that last section about ripping off microsoft's xbox. The path you take with what to do with this picture, seems to hang on if you want to keep that last section, or delete it so you can use another picture. The one thing I can suggest, is to at least photoshop a bunch of buttons onto this picture of the xbox. Otherwise, it can't be related to the beginning section that says that the console is hard to turn on because of all its 17 buttons. That will also make the picture a little bit more original, while still making it look like a rip-off of the xbox.

For some other ideas about pictures you could insert, how about a picture of someone holding the controller while looking at a blank, white screen on their tv with a caption like, "Here, an expert player tries to decipher a meaning of life question, utilizing the works of Nietzsche and the blinding color of truth; Bleach White." Or maybe a picture of someone throwing their YBox console out the window with a caption like, "Yet another user falls victim to impatience and the maddening repetition of Baroque music." Just some ideas, I assume you already some ideas of your own, so I'll let you handle that.

Miscellaneous: 6.5 I really did enjoy this article and can't wait to see how it looks in post-production.
Final Score: 29 So that's about it, hope I was able to help you out a bit. If you have any questions, just jump over to my talkpage and leave a message, I'll get back as soon as I bloody well feel like it can.
Reviewer: --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 21:52, March 16, 2011 (UTC)
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