Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Xenophilia (Re-edit)
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GreenOne needs another opinion on the updated Xenophilia page.
TheGreenOne 13:46, 4 April 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||6.8||This isn't quite VFH standard right now, but it is closer than most. As an overall introduction/summary to the review, I'll just say that, to me, your (over)usage of massive run-off sentences very slightly detracts from the humour of the article, but if the reader manually thinks of the sentences as if they have commas in, the humour contained in the writing is aª much improved and bª very good. When I pick out select sentences later on in the review, I'll add commas where I think it's appropriate
Now, looking at the blurb. The first things that stand out when you look at it are slight formatting issues, which I will deal with in the Prose and Formatting section. When reading the text in a better order, however, you get two impressions. One is that the quote, “You should see me when I go to America! I just rake in the cock!” doesn't quite seem in the same tone or quite fit in with the rest of the article, and could be changed to make it more subtle. The other, however, is that the main text itself is remarkably good, especially the line hence making it near impossible to find a half-decent girl these days..., which to me has the double meaning of getting a joke off of people who are single; as well as the advertised joke of xenophilia being bad for all males in their native country. I would give this part a 7 out of 10
Onto the first main paragraph, "History". On first read-through, this section feels a little long, but that may just be due to the aforementioned lack of punctuation. This section is a little bit up and down, as though some bits have been thought through extremely hard, but not all of it. It has great, classic lines such as overdrinking, widows, and free contraceptives from the NHS (nice homage to UU there by the way on Hyperdrinking, and yes, I like the Oxford comma) and that when they 'walked' up to the mounted guns, nearly all the bullets missed that show great promise, but then get somewhat damaged by lines such as the prostitutes started to fuck the brains out of every American regiment in the front-line that just lack humour. This section needs to be cleaned up a little, so that the humour is a little more reliable. This may be the weakest "long" paragraph, but it's still good - especially for a writer who's been here as little as you have (I've been here 14 months, and this is better than my best stuff. I would give this a 7, too.
Next up, like I said earlier, is the sub-section "The First Case Of Full Xenophilia". This, I feel, is currently the best pure humour part of what is an already good article, due to the lack of filler material in it (only the names, which could be improved in my opine), and it follows the structure of the article perfectly. The best line I reckon is which is now showing on BBC One/HBO 9/3 PT, but that's mainly due to my liking of BBC jokes. Only one thing to improve here I reckon; you need to tone down the sex jokes a little, but that's the only thing wrong here. I would give this an 8.
The third main paragraph, and what seems to be your last main one is "The Effects". This seems to be your common type of "extra" filler paragraph, and it does this job rather well. Although it has a couple of dull lines that obviously are there for length, it also has some really good ones, such as Our American hosts making tits of themselves all over the continent of greatness have unfortunately severed all links with every other country other than Britain itself (which isn't all that far from what could happen. One thing you have to avoid is talking about "we Brits" - as much as I like Britain, identifying yourself with Britain in this kind of article just gives added credence to the "you're just America-bashing" argument. I would give this a 7 as well, which seems to be your common denominator here, and that isn't half-bad really.
The last paragraph, short as that paragraph is, is "Americans, Screwed?". This is really the worst part of the article, for a number of reasons. It's really too short to be a main header (two equals signs), and should be moved to a subheader under "The Effects" (three equals signs). ven then, it will still need a little bit of expansion, but you have an OK start, though it is a bit more American-bashy than humourous. You definitely need to keep the so I think American Civilisation will be saved by the fact that the British are considerate, and won't steal all the women away part, as it's easily the best part of the paragraph, and finishes up the "story" of the article. I would only give this a 5, but with a big chance to be improved with expansion.
Overall, the average of this section is 6.8, as it says at the side. What's keeping the humour score down is the last paragraph, and once that's expanded/improved, you could see this rise by a whole point, it's worth that much. Good job here.
|Concept:||9||I'm not going to cloud over this part - I absolutely love this concept. In my opine, xenophobic jokes have been done a bit too much - they aren't cliché, but they're a bit worn out. However, xenophilia hasn't really been done all that much before here, and is a nice new subject to take on. As I said above, you need a little bit of expansion at the end to get the most out of this concept, but it's good enough to more than do the concept justice. I like the style of the writing too (punctuation user excepted) - it sounds almost Wikipedian, but it's just that tad more informal that gives it a bit of character.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||This, along with the last paragraph, is the main problem with this article, and can make it a little bit of a chore to read. I have already alluded to the sentence length problem earlier on in this review, but that should easily be fixed with the addition of a few commas and semi-colons; this will instantly make the text more presentable and easier to read. Another easy fix that I have already mentioned is at the top of the article. Two things to consider here: One, using <br /> to allow the Overly British template to use its full length without being cramped by the comma, and two; Moving the quote up a little bit into its traditional place on Uncyc (see Oscar Wilde for an example) so that it doesn't break up the introductory text. Your prose, other than the commas, is very good - I could not find a single spelling error, so kudos on focusing well on your article though the humour is more than enough to notice you've done that :)).|
|Images:||8||These, like everything else in the article, are good bordering on very good. They are all very good puns on the article (and thus are all relevant), have extremely good captions, and are formatted and placed well. The only one that I'd say was letting the side down a bit was the Jean-Claude one, mainly since I don't like blank backgrounds, but it still fots in fairly well amd doesn't exactly stick out. Good job here.|
|Final Score:||37.3||I don't think this would quite pass VFH right now, but it certainly could in the future. On this evidence, if you work hard you could be a good writer for this site. This needs a bit of expansion at the bottom, and a bit of formatting and streamlining in the middle, then it should be good to go! Good luck!|