Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Why?Don't You Have a Girlfriend Yet?
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I'm almost certain this is fantastic but could it be fantastic-er? In-depth review apreciated. Preferably Yettie going in deep, to the hilt, but any Tom'll do. One of my concerns is the tenses, I have trouble with them before. SK Sir RotM 15:39 1 August 2008
- Got ya covered. Just need some time. Sorry Yettie, no hard feelings? BlueYonder - CONTACT
|Humour:||5.8||Hmm…this is a tough one, but overall I’m not sure how nice I can be. Certainly, it has its chuckle-raising moments, but overall the humour seems a bit forced and misplaced. I’d have to say the best part is the opening paragraph, which did raise a few chuckles whilst at the same time giving a decent introduction to what the article was all about. However, from there, the, unfortunately, rather disjointed article (see ‘concept’) seems largely made up of quirks about dysfunctional parents and glory holes. I'm sure there are plenty of things that could be added to the article and milked for humour that you're quite capable of writing-perhaps, in the opening paragraph, and imagining of just what his mother might do if he were to confess he were gay, or an expansion of the ‘psycho priest’s son’ character, or of that internet guy, or the protagonist’s time on the streets (I’ll try and expand on this in the concept section). Overall, I can’t call it directly unfunny, but it didn’t make me smile enough for a feature, I’m afraid. It’s a damned good effort, though.|
|Concept:||6||I have to say I like the concept here. As far as I know, we don’t have many ‘coming out’ articles around here, and I think the direction you’ve taken it in is anything but a bad idea.
That said, though, it seems to me (and this is just theorizing, so please don’t let it offend you if it’s incorrect) that you don’t seem to be entirely sure where you’re going with this whole thing after a while. The theme of a gay teen coming out to his family is maintained, sure, but not quite as well as it could be. There’s a lot of events that seem a bit random and disjointed, and don’t really contribute much to the humour value of the article (the dropping-a-doll-house-on-his-dad-and-the-dad-going-to-hospital bit, for instance), and there’s also very clear signs of very good ideas in the article that feel only half-developed. The ‘being forced to join the army’ bit, for instance, is very abruptly cut off, even though I’m sure it could have developed into its own hilarious story with the right amount of thought. Meanwhile, there’s a whole chunk taken up by the aforementioned story of the dad getting a dollhouse dropped on him and going to hospital which, in all honesty, isn’t all that funny and somewhat deviates from the topic. Later on, the bit where he runs away is rather unclearly introduced and seems to be reduced to some rather vague talk about glory holes and a guy from the internet-even though that idea, too, could well have been fleshed out considerably more.
All in all, what you’ve got here is a damn good idea that’s just a bit too underdeveloped. There’s so many aspects of the topic-religion, gay rights movements, gay culture-that are untouched up. To sum up, you’ve had a great idea, but you might well want to consider some fleshing out before you think about a feature.
|Prose and formatting:||5.5||Bit disappointed here. I’m afraid you landed yourself a bit of a grammar Nazi as a reviewer, but I have to say it: a prose that is otherwise engaging, convincing and involved is tragically marred by some careless grammar and spelling errors. There are one too many spots that need commas but don’t have ‘em ("Well, it got us thinking…”, “That reminds me, actually…”, “…concluding that dad was, in fact…”, to name but a few), some missing apostrophes, and even the odd spelling error (“You’re alive!”). Little things, I know, but you’re experienced here, and I’m sure you’re aware that even minute errors that dot the article can mar it if one is not careful. So, uh…those shouldn’t take too long to fix. Otherwise, like I said, the prose is well-written, engaging and convincing, and could be made even more so with the aforementioned tweaks.
My only complaints about the formatting are, firstly, that you should perhaps move that wedding picture down a bit so that the opening text of the article actually starts at the beginning of the page rather than in the middle. ‘Tis, as I believe I said, rather disorienting, and it won’t look good on the front page should you get a feature with this. Secondly, the constant red links get rather annoying-get rid of ‘em or redirect ‘em, ‘cause they ain’t needed.
|Images:||7||The images are fine and the captions are funny enough, although you could quite potentially have one or two more that actually relate to finding a girlfriend and/or the whole ‘coming out’ thing. Otherwise, they’re fine and relate to the text well enough…perhaps something relating to ‘Vietnam vet bigots’ wouldn’t have gone amiss either, though.|
|Miscellaneous:||6.1||Averaged, as always has been done and evermore shall be done.|
|Final Score:||30.4||A very fine effort and idea that, unfortunately, is rather underdeveloped and marred by its own flaws. Still, develop the ideas properly, tweak those little grammar errors and move that picture down a little, and you might well come up with feature material. Hope this helped, and I’m really sorry if it comes across as harsh-not trying to be nasty here. By the way, if you happen to have any criticism of my reviewing style at all, feel free to drop me a note on my talk page.
And, uh…none of my business, of course, but this isn’t your ‘coming-out’ story, is it? I mean, coming out is fine…dropping furniture on your parents isn’t quite.
|Reviewer:||BlueYonder - CONTACT|