Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Why?:You Will Never Have a Chance in Hell With Her
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Finally got this finished. Took me longer than I hoped, but it's done. There may be spelling errors and such, but I'll have it proofread after the review. Indepth as much as possible.--- TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 09:10, May 27, 2011 (UTC)
- Random comment that's not a review: It's quite long. Something you may want to address, in fact, especially as some of it gets a little redundant with previous sections. 12:53, 23 June 2011
|Humour:||6.5||So aside from the sort of stereotypical "friend giving friend girl advice," this article was pretty well structured with regards to humour. I also noticed that the article seems to get funnier as it continues. I'm not sure if this was intentional or if it's jsut me, but it does kind of help keep the reader want to keep reading just to get a couple of laughs. The flamethrower comment and the last section were pretty good, and were probably the highlights of your article.
So you approach the topic pretty well, you kind of go into a bit too much, but I guess that just comes with the fact you're trying to drill this info into somebody's head. One thing I wanted to say was this line, " this is America, the land of the free, damn it! If you don't like it, go to North Korea, you damn commie!" While I enjoy the ol' commie joke as much as the next god-fearing, gun-totting American (not really), it seems like a random outburst for this article. THe friend goes from suggesting how to handle the girl to calling his friend a commie, a little bit of a stretch. Maybe something a little less random and more aggressive like this, "Just because you like her does not mean everybody has to have your opinion, so get your dick out of your mouth and let me finish what I'm trying to tell you." A little hostile once I read that again, but you get the idea I'm trying to express, I'm sure.
A second suggestion I have for you is that you could really shorten the "She wants diamonds but all you have is a nice marble that you found in your grandmother's drawer" section to save some space and reading time. You really drill that whole expensive diamonds and pearl thing so maybe shorten it a bit, like this:
"To make a long story short, she likes jewelry. Expensive jewelry to be exact. The kind that should be in a museum. The kind that Bill Gates' wife buys. Yeah, that kind. And above everything else, she likes the finest diamonds the world could offer. And if you give her anything that is below that description even the least, it would make a fine decoration at the dump. And I know that look on your face; don't even think about attempting to buy that kind of jewelry. Even if you sold everything you have, including your house, your family, and even your soul, you won't even have .0001% of the amount needed to buy even the cheapest kind; hell, even a millionaire doesn't even have enough to buy even the cheapest kind, you typically have to be a billionaire to buy that shit. Now, since your mother is not a fan of wearing jewelry or other kind of prada, the only thing you can find is a marble you found in your grandmother's drawer ( before you ask on how I knew that, let's just say That I like to get involved in the spy business). It looks like one of those special edition marbles. Very nice indeed. Too bad she won't say the same thing. She won't be too happy if you gave that to her as a gift. That would send a wrong message, making her feel like you're treating her like an idiot, and would have the hounds chase you out of her sight. Yet if you give that to a tomboy, she would love it. Hell, you can even turn it into a wedding ring if you marry her, which is a lot less cheaper than buying those super expensive crap for just trying to impress that girl you're about to ruin your life with."
"To make a long story short, she likes jewelry. Expensive jewelry to be exact. The kind that should be in a museum. The kind that would make the Kings of Babylon feel poor. Yeah, that kind, and if you give her anything that is below that description even the least, it would make a fine decoration at the dump. Oh, and I know that look on your face; don't even think about buying her that kind of jewelry. Yea, don't worry, I remember that time you gave Susie that 0.25$ plastic ring and tried to tell her you stole it from the Queen of England. I don't care if you were only 7 when you did that, it didn't work then and it won't now! Now, since your mother is not a fan of wearing jewelry or any other kind of prada, the only thing you can find is a marble your grandmother gave you for your 16th birthday. You remember? The one I kept calling you a pussy for because you said it reminded you of "granny-mammy." Anyways, it was a nice marble indeed. Too bad she won't say the same thing. She won't be too happy if you gave that to her as a gift. That would send a wrong message, making her feel like you're treating her like an idiot, and would have the hounds chase you out of her sight. Yet if you give that to a tomboy, she would love it. Are you understanding what I'm getting at granny-boy?"
Just some slight re-editting and there we go. I would also suggest in finding a way to combine "She cares little for appearance or skills" and "Why You Two Won't Last Long Together." The listing of unpleasant remarks is a little stereotypical and monotonous, but if you can find a way to combine the two sections and remove some of the more, cliche, unnecessary remarks, you'll save space, reading effort and maybe make the article more funny. I'd give you an example, but I can't really say what I would do personally. It's really just a test-suggestion, so I'll let you decide if you want to experiment with it. Hell, you might even be able to combine the Dog vs. Cat section with it as well, it would definitely save space and may work out for the better, but I'll let you decide about that.
That's about all the advice I have here. The middle section is kind of what needs some work. If you want to carry over my suggestions a bit more, try to shorten the beginning part and lessen the effort in trying to drill the points you're making into the guy, you know, loosen up on the remarks and all that lovely stuff. The end part was pretty good, the only thing I want to suggest is that you make it more obvious that the narrator is disappointed that his friend scored a hot chick after going through so much to tell him that he will never do that well. That's about it.
|Concept:||7||Mmmm I suppose the article is creative. Judging from the other angles you could have approached it, I think you did an overall good job with the article. It's not the best article I've read, but you did a pretty could job. The trend I noticed was that article got funnier as you continue you reading it, instead of being funny, then lame, then funny again like I typically notice around here. Sort of like an positive integral exponential graph rather than a parabola, isn't that a funny coincidence? Anyways, suggestions are within the humour section, look for it there and also some suggestion below.|
|Prose and formatting:||7||Pretty good spelling, format, etc. I did notice some issues, just missing letters typically, so I fixed them up for you though. You might was to look at the sentence where the friend is saying "I told you so" in small caps. I changed it to something else because the way you had it was a past-present tense overlap "I did bloody told you so."
Also, I'm pretty sure I missed a bunch of errors, so I would go ahead and re-read the article to make sure. I'm pretty sure I saw some but forgot to fix them, so yea, sorry. What? I can't be expected to do everything around here! God...
|Images:||7.5||Your images are well done and relevant enough. My only criticisms are for the gif and the last image. The gif is a little bit random, I feel like you put it in there just to fill space. I'm not sure what path you want to take with it, keep it if you want, but it's not really relevant and it seems wiser to just get rid of it. It's your choice of course, so I'll let you decide. The last picture, I feel, could use a caption. I understand it when writers leave a caption out because the picture says the words for them, but I feel like you could capitalize on this picture with a caption or something like "She's alright...I suppose." Or something sarcastic to display the narrator's disappointment that his friend scored a hot chick after he just told him that he would never score a girl like that. Also, why is she holding drumsticks? Seems random. Aside from those two comments, good job with the pictures.|
|Miscellaneous:||7.5||The average rating for the girls within this article. Not really, that would be unorthodox of me, it's actually the probability of anyone on this site of scoring with one of these girls. Except Lyrithya of course, whose charm gives here a near-perfect chance as I'm sure you already know, but I digress. Let's continue shall we?|
|Final Score:||35.5||So sorry I took so long with this review. Power-outages, coupled with my believe that this article would need a far longer review, stalled my efforts. Anyways, I hope I was able to help you out in some way or another. Any messages or comments, come over to my talk-page. We can have some tea, gossip, maybe a little dancing, who knows where the night will take us.|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 05:24, June 27, 2011 (UTC)|