Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Why?:Won't that damn CD player play my vinyls?

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edit Why?:Won't that damn CD player play my vinyls?

Well, I did the prose as per orian's review (see the article's talk page). Looking for a third opinion here to see if it improved any after the clean-up. In-depth review appreciated. Thanks in advance, pee's really working right now (must be my absence!) ―― Sir Heerenveen, KUN [UotM RotM VFH FFS SK CM NS OME™] (talk), 20/05 16:53

I'll do the review, if you don't mind waiting a few days or so. Is that cool with you Hv? - [15:56 2 June] Sir FSt. Don Pleb Yettie (talk) QotF BFF NotM RotM UNPotM UGotM CUN PEE SR UnProvise
Assuming it isn't featured by then, sure, that's fine. ―― Sir Heerenveen, KUN [UotM RotM VFH FFS SK CM NS OME™] (talk), 2/06 15:59
He he...it'll be your first feature. But okey, here's my template thing then... - [16:03 2 June] Sir FSt. Don Pleb Yettie (talk) QotF BFF NotM RotM UNPotM UGotM CUN PEE SR UnProvise
YesTimeToPee!
Woah, back off there, 'cause it's YesTimeToPee...for YTTE, not you. Sorry, you'll just have to go find somewhere else to empty your bladder, or you can choose to wet yourself. I got this spot, biatch.
Humour: 8 First Opening Paragraph: The tone of the opening paragraph immediately sets up your expectations for the punchline of the article. It's good though and well written. There's quite a bit to smile and smirk about here. It's a very strong opening, if a bit not-to-the-point. Considering the sort of person who's perspective this is meant to be from, then maybe this slow amble towards the topic at hand is fine. I've heard a few comments on this saying that it's "a bit slow to start with". As long as you can pack the lulz in on the way, I'm fine with that.

Second Opening Paragraph: "I have those awfully good 50's jazz pieces that I just bought off eBay for a million pounds each " - this makes you smile, but could be slightly subtler. One million pounds each? It just sounds a bit, er, blunt... Maybe make it a bit more of a precise price? If you want to take it in this way you could have the person giving the price in pounds, shillings and pence (and all the randomly named things in-between)? I'm not sure if that's a direction you want the main character in this to head in, but it's just a thought. "Come on, I want to listen to these classics! Stupid machine. I know I wanted some jamming, but not this kind of jamming! " The sheer appalling-factor of this jokes makes it quite amusing and something to smile at, as you're nicely presented with the topic of the article and a sense of anticipation grows within you. I have a feeling this should be a good and enjoyable article. Let's see if it can live up to that!

Fuck me: This gets off to a solid start and "by now I could have got to the graveyard, resurrected the bands I want to listen to, and got them their instruments " is quite a funny line, despite the slight dodginess of some of the grammar in there (got to the graveyard, I want to listen to?). And "Sure, the record is bigger than the player, but such a minor quibble won't stop me listening to those brilliant tracks, I swear on my deal with the Devil " is quite a nice line too. Slowly the funny factor seems to be creeping up. In this section I've had quite a few smirks...we're yet to get actual laughs, but it's good. I think "What do you mean they were on proper gramophones? " is a little out of place and that you should leave a "you" character out of it. Instead of saying "you" the first person character can just think it to himself (e.g. "I suppose they were on proper gramophones, but still..."). You get the idea. And the last line - "I'm going to make it work, whatever the cost! As long as that cost isn't money, of course. " is a good one. This is shaping up to be a very good article.

Gah!: Gah seems to be good, too. "Turning to the government" is old, and not as funny as it used to be, but it still deserves a spot in this article, I think. His (or her - whoever the main character is) persistence is what drives this article forwards, and you hit on that a bit in this section (among others!). Maybe a bit more of a reference to his persistence? Not much more, but maybe a bit. Words like "gubbins " in there fit well and are nicely places. One or two more of these obscure and old-fashioned slangy-type words wouldn't hurt, and could provide quite a nice "scenic" backdrop to the why article.

I hate you with all my passion!: I hate you with all my passion? That's a bit of a clumsy title. What about "I hate you with intense passion" or even "intense burning passion"? All of my passion isn't cliched enough and is a bit different and slightly odd! "it's like every piece of garbage you've ever thrown away. Just with added caramel " was another nice line, one of the many that are scattered throughout the article. Also there was a bit of slight random humour in there, which I like to see every now and again! Personally I don't think the hippy revelation in this section is really needed. It seems a bit off-topic and doesn't (at the moment) really add anything in the humour department. "I hadn't felt frustration in 20 years. 20! And now I have to reset my timer just because of a stupid music medium " - there's another, good line. I'm using a lot of quotes here, because, as I've already said this article is full of good one-liners (or two- or three-liners). Good penultimate section, here.

Now you will die, machine!: The concept of getting a rocket launcher to settle a dispute with a CD player is fairly ingenious and I love your description of it. Also I like the irony that the character seems to be able to use a complicated weapon with a "super-zooming CRPZM zoominator"...but of course, at the very end the mess it up. You can just imagine the character pressing the "self-destruct" button, or something when he or she says "Oh, crudbucket" at the very end. This final paragraph is very good and lives up to the rest of the article, well done!

Overall: This isn't a laugh-out-loud article, here, but it's good and deserves VFH in my opinion, however, that's not to say it can't be worked on a bit more, to make it even betterer. Overall though, good work in the humour department!

Concept: 8 This is quite a good concept here. I'm not sure how many (if any) article Uncyclopedia has got about technophobes (what with my just-left-noobety thing), but this certainly is a good topic for humour. I like what you've done here, and (naturally) the extremes you've taken it too. I think, concept-wise, you could have expanded on the actual difficulties in working the CD player (and made the article a little bit longer in the process). Actually, I'm not sure if that's concept wise or not, but yeh... This is an eight here. The idea seems to be quite original but it isn't innovative (which is what I'd give a 9 or even a 10 for).
Prose and formatting: 7 I think this holds the article back a bit. There's quite a few, slightly annoying errors here and there. I mean, it's nothing major, it's just tiny errors spotted about that kinda bleep like a giant spotlight in the dark of night when you're reading it. Because you've said that UN:PS is dyeing or dead, all I can recommend is just going through this yourself. It shouldn't take long and it will improve the article immeasurably. Another slight formatting issue, here, is links. I feel you could do with a few more links, just to brighten the article up a bit. Other than that the formatting and prose are pretty average here. Nothing that makes your eyes bleed and nothing that makes them weep tears of joy in wonder at the beauty of it. If you clear up the two issues I mentioned and maybe vary your formatting a bit you could be reaching for a 9, here.
Images: 7 The images are a bit average, here, I'm afraid to say. You've got the right number of pictures, though. The first vinyl picture is actually quite poor quality, for an article of this calibre. Your last image is by far the best and is quite a good chop from UU. The other two need work on. Maybe you could have pictures which show the way he imagines the things? The CD player could have fangs and be dribbling, while the vinyl could have a halo above it? I dunno, just a little suggestion. Oh and one other note: one thing that bugs me is aligning all the images to the same side. I generally say that it looks better if the images are on alternating sides. It just makes it look slightly more...more...encyclopaedic.
Miscellaneous: 7.5 Hey I wet my pants...with an average! Sorry, that was slightly disturbing!
Final Score: 37.5 This deserves VFH, no mistake about that. It does need a bit of work done to it though, before it's truly VFhable. I mean I could vote for it now, but I think in the interest of preserving high standards I'm not voting until you've just improved upon a few of the issues I've mentioned. You need to strengthen the quality of images and possibly put them on alternate sides. If you can find any way of improving on the humour, by all means go ahead (at the moment I can't think of that many suggestions for this department). Also the prose and formatting could be improved upon (as I've suggested). Other than that, this is a thoroughly good article - I've just been quite harsh with my scoring! Anyway, good luck on VFH. Hope you found the review useful...
Reviewer: YTTE
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