Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Why?:Wear clothes 3 sizes too small
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Got pee'd once before, and I recently expanded this. More suggestions? Will it be VFH one day?--00:57, 15 January 2008 (UTC)
|A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article|
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).
|Humour:||6||Ooh, tough score UU. Justify it. OK: I smiled, but didn't laugh, I felt the execution was hurried, and I didn't ever find myself connecting with the piece in the way I do with my favourite "Why?" articles. I'll explain why in the next section and my comments below.|
|Concept:||7||It's a tough sell, to be honest. It has potential, as many seemingly stupid questions do if handled properly. But you've really got to sell it with some quality reasons - not just answers to the question, but reasons why you need to ask the question in the first place. Look at one of the articles you handily link to: RAHB's Why?:Remove Your Penis. Notice his longer, more eloquent intro? When you start from a question no-one would normally ask, you have to devote a bit more time than a short paragraph to making it sound like a reasonable question to ask in the first place. The intro didn't sell the rest of the article to me, which pretty much kills your concept. More attention to hooking your reader is needed, methinks.|
|Prose and formatting:||7||Adequate, although there are a few clumsy bits and pieces, and it all feels too clinical and abrupt. See comments below.|
|Images:||5||Honestly, I think you could find some better ones. The paint one could be replaced by something like this: , for a start, and the one of the girl in the tracksuit doesn't look like someone in comically ill-fitting clothing - something more like  might work better. Perhaps one of Bruce Banner half-way to Hulking with his clothing ripping as well? More comic exaggeration is what's needed here, I think.|
|Miscellaneous:||6.3||Averaged according to fortune cookie instruction.|
|Final Score:||31.3||It's got a fair amount of potential AE, but right now it lacks any real punch. Will it be VFH one day? Well, yes, if written properly, and given some more thought. At the moment, it's not bad. But you really need to sell your ideas more than you do now. See my comments below.|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Under User (Hi, How Are You?) VFH KUN 21:35, 19 January 2008 (UTC)|
OK, first point to make: I disregard the pee guide in one way: I think that 5 is an average score by virtue of it being halfway up the scale. Therefore over a 5 in any category from me is "above average". That means that 31.3 is a decent score, so don't get disheartened that it's lower than your last score, OK?
Now, to the ticklish subject of selling the idea. Take a look at a couple of other featured "Why?"s: Why?:Pour Boiling Hot Water Down Your Trousers? and Why?:Save the mooses? Notice how they take a litle more time over their intro? Notice how it flows a bit more, and tries to sound friendly? Your intro, by contrast, sounds quite abrupt, and factual. Not much warmth, nothing to entice the reader in. Open it out a bit. You don't necessarily have to add more reasons to it, but express them in a more verbose, welcoming fashion. With a bit of luck, you'll hook your reader a bit more. Then the rest of the article has more of a chance.
Next, those reasons in more detail. Starting with the last one, because it's relevant to what I've just said. Shrink your penis? Not something most guys want to do, so again, you have to sell it. Explaining how it will achieve this is the easy part, making it sound like a desirable thing is the hard part, and also where the comedy should come from. Also, it's a bit exclusive, isn't it? Surely the same logic could be applied to boobs? That would also give you an opportunity to link to Why?:Have Humongous Breasts - no bad thing.
Make you look skinny: this needs more explanation. You're flying in the face of accepted logic here, so you need to hammer home your reasons. You have a better go at this further down in the "arguments against" section, interstingly, but you need to think about it more. How can bragging that you're wearing size 32 clothes make you look thinner? Feel thinner maybe, as a psychological thing. But you need a better reason for making this statement. Something like "as long as the clothing is fairly durable, it should cope with the extra strain your girth puts it under, with the effect that a simple t-shirt and jeans combo can act like the finest corset, restraining your blubber and creating the illusion of a new, trimmer you!" That's just off the top of my head, but a stronger argument that flies in the face of accepted logic helps strengthen your skewed argument.
Apply these points to the other reasons, and you'll really be getting somewhere.
Now, the "arguments against" section: it's not adding much at present. The first bit repeats your point from earlier, which is redundant - and because you're not really playing on the redundancy, it's not funny. The second half is an interesting idea that isn't dealt with properly. Yes, your internal organs being squished up sounds bad, and dismissing it is fine, but not by just linking to Nobody Cares. Dismiss it with more spurious logic, something like: "in fact, squishing things is good, think compact cameras, compact discs, things are better compressed! Crushing your intestines up against your kidneys, forcing your liver into hiding behind your appendix, this will improve the efficiency of your body. Notice how computers get more efficient the smaller the microchips get? Exactly!" That kind of thing. Again, it's a quick suggestion, I'm sure you can come up with something better.
Also, consider the argument that tight clothing restricts airflow and causes excess sweating. Good! Saunas encourage excess sweating, and they're good for you, right? You're sweating out toxins and losing weight all the time, not just in a steamy shed...
And also you have to address the argument that small clothing tends to rip and tear on larger people. That's easily done - sell the fashionability of ripped clothes for a start, and argue that it gives you something to do in the evenings - darning your clothes, which is also a useful life skill! I have no doubt you can come up with more rebuttals to that argument, you're a creative type!
Finally, the prose. You seem to be doing a lot of stretching. I suggest that you don't stretch into smaller clothes. Either they stretch to fit you, or you shrink into them. That confused an irritated me in equal measure.
Next: "Contrary to popular belief, wearing clothes 3 sizes too small has benefits, not only some benefits, but several." Clumsy. "Contrary to popular belief, there are many benefits to wearing clothes 3 sizes too small, and these are too often overlooked." That might be better.
Generally, you need to relax your writing style here, I think - your sentences come across as a bit too abrupt. I'd be happy to whisk through with a touch-up broom once you've got it into a state you're happy with, if you like.
And your conclusion needs to be a bit stronger on the salesmanship as well - remember, you're not just recapping your reasons, you're trying to leave people with a sense that tiny clothing is a good idea, so your tone needs to insinuate that the issue is now beyond question - people who have read this far should be clamoring for children's clothing, ransacking their wardrobe for those jeans they have to be sewn into, all in the name of the reasons you've given!
So my conclusion is: sell it a lot more, relax your prose style, make it friendlier and less abrupt, and reinforce the logic of your reasons. If you do that well enough, there's no reason why this couldn't end up having a good run on VFH one day.
/me looks back up the page. Wow, that's a long review. It would have been quicker to re-write the article! Still, I hope it's helpful. Let me know if you want any more comments later (although I'll not go into this kind of detail again!) And as always, this is only my opinion, others are available. And good luck! --Sir Under User (Hi, How Are You?) VFH KUN 21:35, 19 January 2008 (UTC)