It's me! ...Cajek! ...remember? Le Cejak•<Apr 13, 2008 [14:05]>
avg of each seckshun
Intro : It's true! it is an introduction! A rather dry one, considering we already know you're trying to convince us to shoot the homeless. I don't know how you could make the intro more interesting because the topic, SHOOTING THE HOMELESS, is already pretty out there. Best line? "what is it about killing homeless people that is so much more thrilling than killing any other type of animal?" (Thank you MightyDandylion for the inspiration)
1 It's fun! : the best line? "Homeless people on the other hand provide a wide range of amusing reactions to being shot including screaming, crying, and--most amusingly--praying. Yes, they seriously do pray, as if God actually cares about them. I know...hilarious, isn't it?" I think that you should break up that block of text. I remember writing something like this, but the article fell flat because it was obvious what was going on. This is in a different direction, and is slightly more off-the-wall.
2 Their blood can get you high : HA! That was so awesome and unexpected. How did you think of that? Is you just samrt? Best line "it might require you to kill and squeeze 10 to 15 of them before you have enough to drink."
3 They oppress the wealthy : Interesting idea, so above avg maybe? Best line: "the tremendously exhausting effort of stepping over a dying homeless person in the street?" However, I don't know why, but this section seems slightly predictable to me. Perhaps get rid of or rewrite the last line of the paragraph, "The only way to rid yourself of their inconvenient existence is to shoot as many of them as you possibly can"? It's too obvious, you know what I mean?
4 You can stuff them for lovely displays : I like the idea of this one, but yes, I'm not sure what I would add to it, plus it's not really that great of a finish. (best line "Now imagine that moose head replaced with the head of a deranged, drug-crazed homeless man in his late fifties.") However, I do know that you should break the last part of the section into "how you can get laid" by killing homeless people. Make them sound like an endangered species or something.
It's an interesting article idea. I would take a hint from what I said about the introduction: the topic is already pretty out there, so when you're writing you have to go over-the-top on an already over-the-top article. That's tough. When I was writing HowTo:Sexually Stimulate an Ant (yeah, thanks THE. Yeah.) I was cursing your name for the first little bit, then I realized I had more range for funny in this type of article than in something just as specific but more violence-oriented or crime-oriented dealing with humans. It's hard to explain, so I'll just give you some ideas I have right now:
Make 'em sound like endangered species: Isn't it awesome to kill endangered species?
They taste damn good!: If you decide to go in this direction, maybe switch suddenly into an advertisement for a resteraunt, with a different font and everything. Don't even mention hobos, just a random resteraunt advertisement... it would keep ME entertained!
Population control: People who manage cities throw hobos out every chance they get! Why can't the average citizen?
Prose and formatting:
Yep, everything's okay here.
Just one picture of a hobo flipping me off? When I read a THE article, I want page after page of homeless people flipping me off in the most extreme ways imaginable! I've come to expect that from you.
I just gave you a random number here. 7.4feels right.
I think this article mostly needs expansion, not rewriting. Which is good! Expansion sure is easier than rewriting. I hope I helped, THE! If you've got any advice for ME on this review, come talk to me!