Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Why?:My homework was late
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- I'll get it, you crazy Greek. Tomorrow night at the latest. --Black Flamingo 21:57, March 10, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||First off I'd like to say how much of an improvement has been made since I first read this (was it on PLS? I don't recall). But anyway, let's see what else you can do with this...
Well, I suppose the first issue with the humour, in my opinion, is that one or two of the jokes are non-sequitors , meaning they don't follow the proceeding line in any logical way. This isn't always a bad thing, but when there is literally no connection between two lines, it is rarely funny. For example, look at the bit where the mum faints, and the kid doesn't care. I don't really get this to be honest; why does the mum faint? What doesn't help is that the .gif you use for the fainting shows a totally different woman from the first one, and she's also in a totally different place. It just doesn't flow well at all. You need to strengthen the links between the images, at least in my opinion. I like the way you do this later in the article, where you link the big waves with the dolphins appearing. I was wondering how you were going to introduce the dolphins into this, and I think you managed it quite successfully. So is there a way you can do this for some of the crazier bits near the start?
Next, let's take a look at a key joke in your article, the idea that the dolphins stole the kid's homework. It's a great idea, but I think the problem with putting it at the end is that it comes across as too much of a punchline. This is especially problematic since it's basically your best and strongest idea. Would you consider mentioning it near the start? The way I see it, the teacher asks why he didn't do his homework, and then the kid replies "Dolphins stole my homework", then lead into the desperate story later, when the teacher doesn't believe him. What are your thoughts on that? I realise it would require significant change, but it'd mean you're kicking things off with your best joke, and really setting the scene for what this article's going to be about - desperate excuses told by a schoolkid. I also think it would be funnier this way, but it's your call.
The only other gag I really had a problem with was the Suddenly, Racoons one. My issue with it is that is relies too much on another article. First of all, this means that anyone who hasn't read the article won't get it (I know it's a popular one but it's not outside the realms of reality) and secondly, it kind of makes your article look a bit cheap. It can sometimes give the impression that the author can't think of their own jokes, and is copying other people's and trying to pass it off as a homage. Why bother telling the Racoons joke again anyway, since it was done so well the first time around? You can't make it any better. It's like doing a remake of King Kong - what's the point, everyone's sick to death of it. It also looks a bit scruffy because the first image moves and the second doesn't, so when the racoons come in it "freezes".
Apart from that, I quite liked the twist at the end where he rides away on them. Nice work.
|Concept:||7||So if we consider the concept to essentially be the title; "Why I Didn't do my Homework", and the joke about dolphins stealing it, I can say quite confidently that the concept is a good one. There are issues however, like I say above the kid's desperate story does jump around a little too much. The way it just leaps from one mad event to the next, for instance, isn't as funny as it could be. One moment there's a housefire, then an enormous wave, and it all seems a little silly. Maybe more of an exchange between the teacher and student would help. So for instance, the teacher could say, "well, where did the big wave come from?" And the kid could say "I prayed to Jesus", then the teacher could say "why did Jesus create such a big wave?" "Because my house was on fire," then; "why was it on fire?" etc. - putting your images between the comments as you do now. This way it would make it seem more obvious that the article is about kid making things up as he goes along, and very badly, rather than just a series of weird images that don't really add up, which is how it looks now.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||Not too many issues with the prose really, which is likely a result of there not actually being much prose. The thing that sticks out the most to me is the first like "did you make your homework". This is a slightly clumsy use of English, there isn't really any "making" involved with homework. In real a situation, a teacher would just say something like "did you do your homework".
In terms of the formatting, a lot of the article is quite garish. How come large parts of the background are green? Another mystery is why some parts of it aren't green. It would look a lot more professional without this green-ness in my opinion, it's a particularly ugly colour you've chosen there. It might be better just having it white, and arranging the images in a slightly more imaginative way, much like this article does.
|Images:||6||I've talked about the images a good deal already, due to this being such a visual piece. I'd just like to make the general comment however that a lot of the images do seem to have been chosen without much thought, like you just threw in anything you found funny. Perhaps have a think if these are really the best images for you article, and maybe take some time to consider others. Who knows, you might find better ones? The images of dolphins are my favourites, although the one of him swimming away from the school looks a bit sloppily 'chopped. Perhaps go and bug Lyrithya to retouch that one for you, the water just looks inconsistently blue around the dolphin.|
|Final Score:||31||So overall, a good piece, and it's really coming along. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, please let me know and I'll try to help. I hope the review is ok.|
|Reviewer:||--Black Flamingo 21:12, March 11, 2011 (UTC)|