Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Why?:I'm In court, Mum (Resubmit)
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Hello! Last time I got a great review from Gladstone, and I've made a few changes...so I'm coming back for more. I was hoping that I could go for VFH with this, but I'm sure there's more work to be done. Thanks! - [09:06 1 September]
- sorry YTTE, i've never stopped mid-review before, but i really can't come up with much constructive or helpful stuff to say on this one, so i decided you're better off getting a review from another person. 15:29, 3 September 2008 (UTC)
Just so ya know, I'm going to review this without reading the first review, so I don't get arrested for RUI (reviewing under the influence (of other reviews (WHICH IS ILLEGAL))). --20:46, 6 September 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||Okay, I lied. I glanced at the other reviews to see what their reaction was to your shock humor. Frankly, I see what Gerrycheevers was saying. I don't really know what help I can be for this article since I don't really go for that kind of humor, but I'm going to go ahead and review it anyway because I'm a jerk like that.
Intro: 6 None too subtle. In fact, the escalation seems to go in reverse. You start really dark and by the end, the reader has to put in effort and use his mouse over the link in order to find the darkness. If I were you, I'd reorganize that part a little. But it definitely sets the scene and lets the reader know that we have a very sick family at hand here.
The part next to the condom: 6 "Just they way you demonstrated"? I don't even want to know. Okay. The best (and worst) aspect of this is how the narrator keeps his polite and respectful tone while being completely disgusting. I don't know if this kid's behavior and quotes are typical of 9-year-olds, but maybe they are in Yettieland. Since the narrator is so reverent of his Mama, I think you should play that angle more with respect to the kid's first quote. Like, assuring Mama that she shouldn't take offense at such a horrible statement, expressing that he was just trying to teach the child some manners and respect for women, etc.
Raep: 4 Overall, disgusting. The funniest part, I guess, is that the narrator thought the kid was moaning in pleasure. Although, that's a little counterintuitive to punishment, isn't it? Why would this guy think rape is a good punishment? Is that how he was raised? That would kind of make sense.
The part next to the kid: 4 This is just gross for the sake of being gross, which I could probably say about the whole article, but I'm saying it here because of the continuity errors. The narrator needs to silence him so he gags him with his penis, then the kid bites, but this doesn't warrant even the thought of further punishment but instead the narrator forgets he needs to silence the kid and lets him go? That could use a little smoothing out. I liked the paragraph about the nailbat.
Iron Maiden? EXCELLENT!: 8 This part is good because it seems like it comes out of one of those movies with Hannibal Lector. Really, this might be the best part of the whole article, because we get a good feeling of how the narrator is just the caring, psychopathic guy next door. The preceding sections could use a little more of the personal notes that the narrator writes to his Mama, like the part about Polly or the green nailbat he adores so. That way it's easier to focus on the character as a human instead of a monster.
End: 8 The end is solid. The only change I suggest making is rewording the last non-italic sentence. The way it is, it's too vague and leaves too much to the imagination for it to be really funny.
|Concept:||5||I fear you've written yourself into a dead end, good sir. I don't know how well this article would do on VFH, but there will always be those crazies who don't like articles about raping little children and don't want them featured. I don't know what else to say. Poor taste will only get you so far.|
|Prose and formatting:||9||Very good style. The only thing that keeps this from being a 10 is some punctuation errors, the likes of which only pedantics like me would care about.|
|Images:||6||The images were images. I have to wonder, though, was the image of the condom really necessary? This guy is deranged, but he's also polite and gentle and, if you were to speak to him instead of see him, subtle about it. Having a picture of a soiled condom being the first thing you see sure doesn't help cultivate that impression.|
|Miscellaneous:||7||Averaged and rounded because I like integers. I wasn't sure what "Noserub!" meant so I Googled it to see if I was missing something. I found this. You're welcome. |
|Final Score:||33||I'm never sure if I'm supposed to express in my reviews what I thought of the article or, rather, my impression of what you were trying to do and how close you came to your goal. Some authors get quite irate when I do the latter. At any rate, you're a good writer, so I'm going to politely suggest that you move on to better things once you're satisfied with this piece.|
|Reviewer:||--02:58, 8 September 2008 (UTC)|