Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Why?:Get the iPhone
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Just a little something I came up with pretty quickly. I know it is a one joke thing, but I want to know if it is worth fixing up, or should I just trash it all together. Please indepth! User:POTR/Template:PEEing It'll take a while though... but I'm on it. Pup t 11:42, 24/08/200907:14, 19 August 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||6.3||Okay, first thing we'll tackle is the main point you make above re the "single joke theory". There is nothing wrong with an article built around a single joke. Have a look at Great Gig in the Sky for an example of this. Single joke, repetition, but the saving grace is excellent execution.
Here the execution is good, but I wouldn't say excellent. Repetition is a key tool in your comedy toolbox, and it is essential for this to work. Where you stumble though is being too... Metronomic, for want of a better word. "... there's an app for that..." is repeated verbatim too many times. Try mixing things around to avoid that phrase being overused, but keep the sentiment intact.
Apart from that there is a good level of built and delivery here. A little crass in parts but not over crass. The punch-line (last section) I'd be tempted to change to either:
And the code means that this always shows as being at least 5 months - 17 months away from completion.
|Concept:||8.1||I'm having fun with fractions today.
Okay. I threw a comment out there in another social networking site asking my nearest and dearest 100 friends (90 of which i've never met) about the first thing that popped into their head when I mentioned iPhone. The responses are: "complicated; Apple; Apple tax; Painful; pineApple iPhone - I love mine; disgusting."
Now this tells me nothing except that it is a devisive topic. The only person who loved it has hacked it - and he is very computer savvy. But at the same time I called my phone provider the other day - the bastards - and the automated message that I listened to over and over informed me there were no 32Gb or 16Gb iPhones left, and what website to go to to check for stock. They are popular but nobody seems to like their user system... Or like them much at all...
They're the technological equivalent of Billy Ray Cyrus - everyone hated Achy Breaky Heart, but somehow it charted at number 1.
Nobody can tell me Billy Ray Cyrus isn't ripe for ridicule.
I would potentially look at importing other elements of the reality surrounding iPhones as well... They are part of a cultural phenomena, our ever increasing dependence on ICT, and as such there are a million and one things that can come into play with this topic. Even just one more element - keeping close to the apple marketing language and concepts for consistency - will take this away from your "single joke theory"
|Prose and formatting:||5.4||Spelling and grammar issues here. It might be forgiven as a subtle nod to txt spk, but spelling issues do detract from the quality of the work.
Layout is good, but not fantastic. Writing style - see the comments in concept section regarding repetition.
Overall it is not bad appearance, but your writing issues have let it down. It is a work-in-progress though, so I'm sure you'll iron these out as you go along
|Images:||6.3||Good balance of image v text. Image placement is okay, although my preference is to have all images right justified, as that keeps the focus on the text, which should be the strength of the article.
First image is good and appropriate. I'd be tempted to 'chop it so that the page shown on the screen is this uncyc article. It's a very subtle additional joke though, so may not be worthwhile.
The second image just doesn't seem to fit in... It looks a little to "How to repair a guitar guide" to really fit in with the feel of the article.
The third is funny. I get a smile when I see this - perhaps because it is so OTT stylised.
|Miscellaneous:||7.2||an above average article, but not yet a feature by a long way. A kernel of a fantastic piece though.|
|Final Score:||33.3||I'm looking forward to seeing this complete. Good luck!|
|Reviewer:||Pup t 02:56, 25/08/2009|