Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Why?:Eat a full English Breakfast

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edit Why?:Eat a full English Breakfast

Wrote this months ago. I like it. and it contains a picture bacon-clad boobs! Sog1970 21:59, May 21, 2010 (UTC)

HELPME

This tag means that I am here to HELP YOU by giving your article a review.

If this takes more than 24 hours, whack me with a large metal pole.

--Sir HELPME Talk (more? --> CUN ROTM NOTM Pleb USS Pees SK ) On Sunday, 11:59, May 23 2010 UTC

Humour: 8 Most of this is really funny to me. OK, so this review is really strangely organized. Just bear with me. Tiny thing: Most of my fixes named are extremely minor, but they make the whole thing better to anal people.
  • Lede: Suggestion 1: Meh, I'm not too much of a fan of the "your user page" thing. I dislike when pages unrelated to this site portray me as an Uncyclopedia user. Just think about it this way: would that line make sense if you were reading this out of a book?

Suggestion 2: I love the stuff about toast, and I get how it's relevant to the whole "breakfast" theme, but I feel like it could have been worked in a way that it would seem a bit less random. For example, you could say something like "Why go through all of this hassle, instead of just making toast?" I think something like that would help the tone.

Criticism: I really like the lede overall, it gets off to a promising start.

  • Choice 1 - The Continental Breakfast:
  • Suggestion 1: Aw, I kind of liked those continent things. I don't think you should list every continent, but I'd kind of like one for somewhere like Africa. One question though: Why are they under the specific section for "continental breakfasts"? It doesn't say they are.
  • Suggestion 2: Why the thing about being French? A good way for this to be as relevant-feeling as possible would be to make subtle hints at a French joke throughout the section. As I fail utterly at subtlety, I can't really give you a very good example.
  • Criticism: I found the "exaggerated anger" to be funny here; you pulled it off. Good work on that and the entire section.
  • Choice 2 - Cereal:
  • Suggestion: You mentioned curry, but didn't say anything further about it. That makes it look a little like you just abandoned that part, which I don't like.
  • Thing: What in the world is muesli? You should probably explain that in there, because I and many others are very stupid.
  • The only real choice - Full English:
  • Suggestion 1: The format here isn't a list, but it's kind of like one. The way to fix this is to keep the idea of separate paragraphs for each one, but to avoid the introductions explaining what they are. That's still kind of like a list, but it's a little less like it. For example: "Bacon is an extremely important ingredient. <Insert rest>"
  • Suggestion 2:"Bacon : The artery hardening heart of any good breakfast should have been recently snuffling through straw in a sty somewhere near Copenhagen." That's kind of hard to understand. What do you mean by "snuffling?" (I know what it means; I'm just confused by its usage)
  • Suggestion 3: I'm guessing "kippers" is a British thing. Well, it would be better if you expanded that joke to those who aren't British, as there are many here who aren't.
  • Suggestion 4: With fried bread, how can you pick up that stuff? This doesn't seem to have the same theme as the rest of the ending lines (You choose the "it's great for ... instead of "It's great because it's full of fat and pig intestines".)
  • Suggestion 5: That doesn't seem to reconcile the opinions. That means your mom is happy and you have to eat something you dislike.
  • Suggestion 6: The eggs section is quite a bit listier. You could probably fix this by using a word such as well before you go into the information about eggs. That's a bit disjointed, but it's not a list.
  • Suggestion 7: This seems to outline what eggs you shouldn't eat, but not really the ones you should, like it said it would.
  • Other suggestion: This article doesn't seem to have much of a conclusion. It stops abruptly after the English Breakfast part. I think a conclusion would help you add more jokes and summarize your article. For example: "What? You still don't know why you should eat a full English breakfast? Well, you are obviously too foolish to eat one. Good day!" That's awful. Don't use it. But it makes the point.
Concept: 7 Interesting idea you have behind this. I like your "condescending upturned nose person" concept for breakfasts, but see above for how you can improve that. (Oh my god, I'm about to give actual advice in the concept section!) I felt that were places you could have been a bit more hyperbolic with the concept, which would have made me laugh more. For example, in the beginning of the Continental Breakfast section, I feel you aren't rude enough to the South American breakfast. I also felt you didn't give enough really strong praise and over-the-top reasons for the mushrooms. (The thing about grilled tomatoes is understandable) Making it a bit ruder against breakfasts that aren't full and giving stronger praise for the full English breakfast would be good.
Prose and formatting: 7 There were a few a prose mistakes, which bumps you to a 7.5, and some minor formatting issues, which bump you to a 7.
  • Formatting: Mostly good formatting. One problem though- your paragraph lengths were a little strange. Some of your paragraphs, such as the one for grilled tomatoes, are a bit long. Split them off and move them around, blah blah. Some of your paragraphs were also too short, only one line. I think it would be better if you moved these into other paragraphs. (Except for the last line)
  • Prose mistakes:
  • Lede: "FaceBook" should be capitalized.
  • Choice 1: The Continental Breakfast:
  • Demitasse doesn’t need a dash.
  • ”cappucino” is spelled “cappuccino”
  • ”subsidise” may be a British spelling, but here, it is “subsidize”
  • ”unecessarily” is spelled “unnecessarily”
  • Choice 2 - Cereal
  • "microwave," There's no need for a comma here.
  • "onomatopeically" should be spelled "onomatopoeically"
  • "diety" should be spelled "deity"
  • The only real choice - Full English
  • "embarrasment" is spelled "embarrassment"
  • You put a space before your colons, which you don't need to do.
  • "a challengingly" there's no need for the "a" here.
  • Images:
  • "oestrogen"- I believe you mean "estrogen"
  • You put a question mark and a period at the end of the second caption.

I gave most of my prose advice in humor, so yeah.

Images: 9 I really, really like them. I only have a couple things of advice to improve them. They are:
  • General thing: I noticed all except two of your images were about bacon. There were other things the English breakfast was made out of, so wouldn't it be good to get pictures of those?

The only other bit of image advice I have is that the "I heart bacon" woman is tilted. Her left leg and her body are disproportionate.

Miscellaneous: 8 Puts you at 39.
Final Score: 39 So, you have an article that would currently earn a Symbol neutral vote Weak abstain from me on VFH. It will do this until you:
  • Fix spelling and grammar errors
  • Get a conclusion
  • Do some general minor things, such as image fixes, adding some more types of images, and be more hyperbolic

At this point, I really like this, but it still has some more kinks it needs to work out. Get to me on my talk page.

Reviewer: --Sir HELPME Talk (more? --> CUN ROTM NOTM Pleb USS Pees SK ) On Monday, 11:39, May 24 2010 UTC
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