Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Why?:College is for suckers! (revised)
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Here you go. The link to the new and revised article.
184.108.40.206 00:37, March 15, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||5||There is an underlying humorous tone throughout the article, however there lacks funny lines, punches, build ups or anything beyond the humorous tone. There are so many set ups, so dont be discouraged by this, the article is dying to have those jokes let out. I cant suggest any whoppers but I can give you a couple ideas to expand on. Take the line in the introduction "only to find out it was a big waste of time and money" could easily be expanded into a funnier line. Slightly funnier would be "only to find that your four years of skipping classes and maxing out your parents credit cards" would make it a little funnier, or perhaps "those years of smoking up before boring lectures and earning your way through college by letting ugly horny frat girls give you blow jobs for 5 bucks each still was all for nothing (though I dont think any reviewer would agree that you should take that line of writing in this article) but atleast I am showing you that these cute lines can be expanded to be funnier in so many ways. The point is, there is humour here screaming to be let out by expanding on your ideas and these are just two examples. "special degree" for instance could be funnier if you give an example of a degree. Big corporation is funny, you are parodying anti-capitalism (which is fitting for college students).
"Ultimate educational experience" again can be expanded on. "Fancy fantasy stuff". "Quadruple the amount" all can be expanded on, for instance "You start university thinking, hey, its 15,000 bucks a year, thats not going to kill my dads finances. I can afford a 15,000 degree. But what? What? 60,000, where did that come from? And yet, even after studying four years in college you still aren't smart enough to add things up. Thats where the Big 5 corporation gets you"! or something like that. At the same time, some of the humour gets borderline cheesy, like "classes are really just about guitar hero" which is more absurd than funny. It might be better to keep things on the more realistic side by leaving guitar hero stuff to the dorm room and real educational stuff to the classroom. There is so much educational stuff that is real that can be made fun of, such as feminism studies, sexual science, 14th century French poetry, etc... The moments where the article becomes a bit of a rant also takes a bit away from the humour. By pointing out the absurdity of going to university by examples the reader can get the hint that university can be a waste of time and money, without saying things like "god damn lazy as in your parents house". Illustrate the compaison with funny examples. For example: Before: Finishing highschool, failing exams, hitting my bong, eating pizza pops, playing super mario kart with friends, trying to get laid College: Skipping class, forgetting about exams, hitting my bong, eating pizza pops, playing mario kart 64, getting laid all the time, too drunk to remember After: Jobless at home, forgetting about job interviews, hitting my bong, eating pizza pops, playing mario kart Wii with my other college graduate unemployed friends, no girl will have sex with an unemployed graduate. (just the structure not actual text) This structure (though can be expanded to be WAY more funny) illustrates what you are saying by making humorous comparisons and illustrating your point rather than ranting about it. There is also now a small amount of humour to build on and even the beginning of a concept (that nothing changes, before, during and after for instance) which I talk about in the concept section. "Why even bother" section, again, theres a cute sarcastic tone, but there are just no extra funny moments, where I laugh out loud, but there is SO MUCH begging to be expanded upon. Give examples, illustrate what peoples idea of college was, how it actually happens, and how you end up afterwards, giving funny examples. The last section is probably the weakest in terms of humour, instead of making a joke you refer to a non-existant book (unless Im wrong and the book actually exists). End your article with a bang. As I said several times now, there is a funny tone throughout, now expand on and BRING OUT the humour.
|Concept:||5||The concept is basically the name of the article, college is a waste of time and money. Can you turn that into a concept that you use throughout the article, thats funny itself? Could you bring out more of the Big 5 corporation? This is what they want you to think its like...and this is how it is...and this is how you end up? For instance. In anycase, there is no specific concept in the article except college is a waste of time and money. By having a larger concept in mind when you structure the article and write it and expand upon it, you can tell a story and or idea while making people get your message and make them laugh. What you have now is lots of examples about how it all sucks and why its all wrong, but its not placed within a structure. Find that structure and your ideas and material will seriously benifit. You are probably good at writing lots of material quickly and words flow right out of you. Take time to think about it and restructure things.|
|Prose and formatting:||5||The pictures are okay and they seem to fit in more or less with your article, I like the uncle sam one! Try to illustrate more with the pictures what it is you are trying to say. The hobo is a good start, but is there a way to show how your life doesnt change with college through images? An example of how to make the images fit in with the overall concept would be "a picture of a super excited optimistic student on his way to university", 2nd picture "a student bored and lazy doing nothing in dorm rooms", 3rd picture, unemployed after college and going nowhere". And ofcourse, funny pictures as well. Take time in your search to find FUNNY! This is an example of how you can let your images tell a story. As I said, your images are okay, the uncle sam one is clever, but outside of a clear story or context it doesnt bring out the full humour. If your concept was more about the big 5 corporation scamming you throughout the article, then yes, uncle sam would be perfect and would make you laugh more.|
|Images:||7||Im the last person to talk about spelling and grammar but I didnt see anything that stuck out and your writing is good within each style, except that the style of writing changes, from a narrative (story telling), to fact telling and then to ranting (angry about how much college sucks). This would be fine if the concept or structure of the article called for these kinds of changes, but its hard to see why you would do it. You are clearly able to write well in a variety of styles, tones etc... but you need to structure/story to justify it so that your skills can come out well and so that the article can benifit from them.|
|Miscellaneous:||10||You deserve an extra 10 points cause this article definately has potential, it just needs three important things, TIME TIME TIME etc... and by that I mean, thiking about the concept, thinking about the structure and thinking about the images, and thinking about...
I like the funny sarcastic tone you have in the article and like your creativity, and look forward to see if you expand on the lines and bring out that funny that in there within a clearer concept.
|Final Score:||32||As per the Mscore|
|Reviewer:||--09:29, March 15, 2011 (UTC)|