Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Why?:College is for suckers!
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I need some advice on how to expand this article so I can nominate it for it to be in a featured article.
Lucyfer & his friend, Wlado! 19:29, March 11, 2011 (UTC)
- Er... I'll review this, then. Shortly. By the end of the next couple days. Hopefully 'couple' means 'one'. 20:38, 11 March 2011
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
|What's this, an advertisement, here? Trying to sell us all a book, eh? The audacity!
Seriously, though, is that what it is? It's a little fuzzy at this point, but it does end on the note of buying the book, so that would make sense... thing is, you need to be more clear on what you're trying to do, and on what it even is. Establish your point and your angle from the start. Who is the speaker, who is the audience? Why is the speaker trying to say this? Sort these out and keep everything consistent to them and to the overall joke, and not only will it become a lot more effective, humour-wise, but it will also affect how well it reads and the ease of writing individual parts parts and jokes... and of sorting out what individual parts and jokes to even use. It should also make a fair bit more sense that way.
Thing is, currently, it doesn't make a terrible amount of sense, which is why I'm fuzzy on what you're even trying to do. Why is the person saying this? If we, the audience, are students considering college, why would we care about the history of the scam, or even the scam itself, for that matter, if our parents are the ones paying for it? Why assume that they are? Why assume that we are all male, for that matter, as it does in the beginning? And Albert Einstein as the inventor, that also doesn't even make any sense. And college companies? What are those? Are the scams targeting the adults or the children? What exactly is the 'big fancy experience'? Why is it mentioned, and what is it? Don't assume the readers know what things are; if you are making a point about how it's another part of the scam, perhaps say something about how much more it costs for that? And where do the lawyers come from if not from college?
Make it make sense, mon. Work with the advertising pitch or whatever you decide to do with this, but really work with it. Select an audience and overplay it with all the usual scams, as much as you are accusing the universities, perhaps - have this be a scam to mirrot them? That could make for something rather grand indeed... but stick to that audience. Use the audience, play off quirks and oddities for funnies and contents alike. What appeals to them? Why are they so good a target for this... book, and why should they buy it, really...?
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
|Eh, work on your main idea and the confusion and fuzziness of it all and the entire thing should get a lot funnier. Should also help you expand the thing, too. Mind, from what you have, I will say this - avoid dropping random bits, even if they are associated with colleginess, if they don't make sense... folks like to understand what's going on. Don't alienate the reader.|
|Prose and formatting |
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
|I'm not sure if the bad spelling/grammar is supposed to be part of the joke or not, but unfortunately, either way, it doesn't really work for me, just makes it harder to read. You can imply uneducatedness without bad spelling and grammar or whatnot, though, and that may not be such a bad idea - it does make for good irony - but you do need to make it fit with whoever is supposedly doing the speaking. For that matter, keep the voice consistent in general - it's like it swaps points of view, using different tones seemingly arbitrarily. It can go from excited to morose, but have a reason for it. Here there are bits that are excited and bits that aren't; if you're trying to imply sarcasm, know that it's rarely a good idea. Just not that funny, and it comes across badly in text.
You also need to work on the flow - you have an introduction and two sections, and they're pretty much just... there. Make the ideas flow from each other, go one to the next, and in the end, tie it all together or end it with a bang or something less abrupt. Your conclusion will be made without having to have a Conclusion section, though, which is typically not a good idea, anyhow. Sections should be labelled by what they discuss, not where they are or what part of the piece they are. Likewise, the second one is more a history and overview, so perhaps label it accordingly?
Oh, and if the spelling/grammar wasn't intentional, you can try getting the proofreading service to give it a fix-up - just put the relevant template on the page.
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
|Why are the images so tiny? Can hardly see them, as it is. They're decent pictures, fit what seems to be going on, even have reasonable captions, but they're so tiny. In general, for normal pictures, the thumb default of 200px is the minimum (varies if they're particularly tall or whatnot, but...) - I often find myself making them bigger, both to fill the space and because it just looks better, but up to 300px wide is usually good. In this case, a more normal size would also make the text legible on the two, and why not make the book cover full size - center it below the rest of the text, or something. If you're trying to lead people to the book, it'd make sense.
Once you have more article, you'll want more images, of course, but for the amount of text you have now, this is probably a reasonable number. They're just so bloody tiny.
Anything else... or not...
|Thoughts. Feelings. How it seems. Random number?|
|Final score |
04:58, 12 March 2011
|Right, this probably seems bad, but you definitely have a long way to go before concerning yourself with VFH. Just work on it, though. Sort out what you're doing with it, make it all flow to whatever grand point... or perhaps sale... you're trying to make with it, tidy it up, etc, and you may yet get it there. It's not hopeless, at least. Well, probably not. Best of luck to you, hope this helps, and feel free to come by my talkpage if you have any questions.|