Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Why?:Care About Black People
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S3ahawk 11:38, August 21, 2010 (UTC)
My last why for now! Thanks for the reviews! S3ahawk 11:38, August 21, 2010 (UTC)
This shall be reviewed. In one earth day, give or take a time zone and probably a daylight savings time and... er, possibly another day but hopefully not, it shall be done. I will fill in all the relevant thingies and stuff so that hopefully, eventually, it might go to use. Meantime, don't get your curls in an uproar. -- 20101013 - 23:29 (UTC)
|Concept:||6||I am pretty culturally ignorant... so what about me? Why should I care about black people; I don't even know who most of those you named are. Normally, this would be all very well and fine, but for the fact that for the most part, you're only listing them. Going into detail about what examples they are, how wonderful they are as black people and better than the comparative white people... you have some of this, but more make it more in-depth, you know? And what about, perhaps, how their blackness in of itself has something to do with their success? An analytical approach will make it more clearly not just a coincidence.
I'll be honest... I'm reading the thing wondering, so? So besides the introduction, maybe answer the why more directly... tie the rest back in and conclude more, perhaps. That'd help. I think.
|Humour:||5||Overall funny, I hopefully hit in the concept, so I shan't repeat. Sectional:
|Prose and formatting:||4||Mmm, this is bugging me. Who, exactly, is your speaker? What is even going on with that? Says it's Morgan Freeman, but then one's reading it in his voice? I've heard the notion of this before, things read in the "soothing voice of Morgan Freeman", but there has to be a less convoluted and strange way of putting it. And later, it... he goes to the bathroom? And this other fellow is conveniently there and starts off exactly where he left off... this not only confused me, but why even do it? I don't get it. They do seem to stay in character, at least... well, as far as I can tell. I don't actually know who they are.
Anyhoo, if you could have more of an evident reason for the transition of speakers, that might help. This bathrooming is so sudden. Hints leading up, maybe? I obviously missed them if there were any already. Or just ditch the idea of that entirely.
Since you are using specific speakers, it's difficult to tell what grammatical oddities are intentional or not, so I'll assume it's all what you meant to do and say, good job. After all, if you don't remember what you were trying to do, it must have been, anyhow.
Thing sure doesn't link much after the first section. Could make some funnies in the links... or just scatter around more pretty colours, at that. Or give people things to click on when they're clueless and for some reason think reading an Uncyclopedia article on the section will help...
Why the scoring? Seems an odd format. Although if you're going to go with that, you could really play it up, like the score is the all-important whatnot... maybe even have the score updated on new lines with large text or something... then again, that'd probably be taking it too far. Something to consider, I guess.
And finally... The more you know... is just not a strong ending. It needs a conclusion or something to pull in the ideas. To reinforce why all of that was answering the why. To say, this is why black people are important. This is why you should care. Don't actually say that, mind, but do that, if that makes any sense. Tie all of the examples together. Emphasize why, with them especially (that was why you focussed on them, right?), the blackness is important. You could also use it to put together the speakers, perhaps - have the second guy conclude to mirror the first introducing?
I may have said this before, (and if not, maybe I should have) but introducing and concluding a piece properly will often make the entire thing make a lot more sense as a whole. Meantime it often winds up just stuff. Left wondering, now what? Why is all this here? That kind of thing.
|Images:||5||Aside from the last two images being too small to see, they seem to be fairly decent in of themselves. The comparisons of Michael Jackson makes a good turn on the previous image (though this could also qualify as a contradiction with the speaker's insistence that he really was black despite the skin disease... begs the question, is the speaker the one doing the images?)
So how are they sticking it? It's a start, but four pictures all sticking it to the man, while nice and redundant (in a good way, I think), could still do with, perhaps, variety of jokes stemming from that. Like the dog-bunny... thing. Which we cannot even see because the picture is so bloody small.
And the rainbow could do with some explanation, really. How is that...? Okay, I'm definitely missing something, here.
|Miscellaneous:||5||Number of fluffiness and... er, black people. Yes. Overall impression, I mean. 5 is average, at any rate.|
|Final Score:||25||So, this probably comes across as a bit harsh, but that's really not my intent. You have some strength in this; the idea is there. The answer is there, just not in the greatest implementation - hopefully something in here will give you some ideas as to how to pull it out better.
Also, sorry for all of the parts that contradict each other and/or don't make sense. And sorry the numbers are so insane. And, er, good luck with the article if you ever get back to it (you really should; it's definitely a start)...
|Reviewer:||06:14, October 16, 2010 (UTC)|