Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Why?:Buy A ShamWow
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S3ahawk 08:28, August 21, 2010 (UTC)
Here's another Why series article. I enjoy these ones quite a bit, but let me know how I can improve them!
- Hmm... guess I'll review this. In one earth day, give or take a time zone and a daylight savings time, it shall be reviewed. It's been sitting in the queue plenty long, eh? -- 20101009 - 02:34 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||A lot of this just seems to fall short, somehow. While the thing as a whole seems to be a salespitch, it would really have to go with that to be majorly funny; a spattering of jokes does not make an article. And the MacBeth references you've speckled through it, if you could actually parallel the thing more to the play as a whole, it might help, since for the first few, they just confused me. It was like, wait, what? Blood? You may or may not be able introduce the play with more consistent parallels of plot and development. Just something to consider, I guess.
|Concept:||6||This is clearly a sales pitch of sorts - not unlike an infomercial in wiki form, which begs the question... why is it in the Why? namesspace only and not the underdeveloped Unfomercials one? Might as well add it to the category, at any rate.
But to the matter at hand - sales pitches do make rather wonderful Why?s, but they have to really embody the nature of the salesman. The typical, or dare I say it, stereotypical, salesman will be pushy, animate and embark upon every fallacy possibly simply to make the sale, coming back to, oh, this is wonderful and this is wonderful, and this is wonderful, and I really think this would be particularly suited to you, ma'am, because if you buy a ShamWow, you'll never have to worry about cleaning up after your cat again, see here, I'll just spill this water all over you, and now, see, it absorbed it all, just imagine what it could do when your cat pees all over the couch; your life would really be improved, and see here, what it did for Moses, and...
Well, okay, maybe not like that (which would be a horror to read an article of, anyhow), but the point it, salesfolks are pushy. They might ramble, but they stay on topic and always get back to the point, the sale, because that is what they are paid for. Thus, here, you will also want to do more of that. Really answer the Why?. Or, perhaps, don't actually answer the Why?... just dance around it and make the
I'm saying this because it seems to be the direction you are already going for, mind. If you take it all the way, so to speak, and stay in character and remove excess digressions, and really sell the ShamWow, it should really help the overall piece.
Also, you may want to check out the other Unfomercials to see what other people have done, see some of what has worked and not worked, for instance. And if you haven't already seen the other ShamWow one (you could do better, since it looks like it's just an unrated version), take a look (and then do better).
|Prose and formatting:||7||It's readable, the formatting makes sense for the most part, and most of the grammar is decent, buuut...
Also, it could use more links. Funny links. Ones emphasising points (or inaccuracies of points, or what the speaker isn't mentioning)... or some such. Admit it, they'd help.
|Images:||5||Make your images bigger! I can hardly see what they are without zooming in... I'll admit, I tend to make images on my articles err on the side of too large, but a good general size 200px wide, more or less depending on the image in question. Here, the Moses advert is fine, but you're using some poorly cropped and rather busy photos. Crop down the dog so as to eliminate the the extra space around the edges and zoom in on the dog so the reader's eye will be more drawn to it, and it'll be easier to tell that it is, in fact, peeing. I mean, the pose makes it fairly apparent, but it'd be more effective and improve the overall quality if cropped.
The demonstration image, on the other hand, is much too small to even see properly; just make the thumb full-size. This one also could use a better caption. While the other two make jokes and come across as funny, this one just swaps out another product; perhaps you could do something more with it? Another joke besides and perhaps link it to the Zorbeez instead of crossing it out...
Also, perhaps it could just use more images - flashy packaging, ShamWow!s looking amazing (like the Moses one), that kind of thing. Really get the point across that these things are wonderful and the audience should... no, must... no... will buy it. Because they're amazing and wonderful and just look how pretty and effective and godly they truly are.
|Miscellaneous:||5||Overall impression, whatever that means on an arbitrary scale. And have a general apology for not necessarily putting things in the right sections. I put them where I thought of them.|
|Final Score:||29||I guess I'm going with five being average, so don't worry too much about the numbers.
At any rate, this thing has great potential. Hopefully, the comments will prove helpful, but I'll just repeat that... it should make the sale. Really make the sale. Like a salesperson. Making a sale. Damn, those people are annoying. Have you ever been accosted by a guy in a mall trying to sell you a watch and borrowing your hand and putting it on you and telling you you have to admit it looks dashing on you, admit it, it does, and see? Since it looks so dashing, you just have to buy it. Won't you buy it? Because it really is premium fake silver and definitely not made by mexicans and it really does look dashing on you...
Damn, those people are annoying. And yes, that a bit of a digression. At least, I think it was. But that's what some of them are like! *flails*
|Reviewer:||-- 20101010 - 17:03 (UTC)|