Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Why?:Beat Your Children
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- I'll try get this done tomorrow. I understand and I wish to continue. . 12:54, April 24, 2012 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||Ok, so six seems like a low score and it probably is because this isn’t a bad article, but I feel like there’s a hilarious article in this somewhere waiting to be dug up, brushed off and displayed in a museum somewhere.
I feel the main issue with this article, at least in my opinion, is the main joke is a tad predictable. When I read the title I was either expecting a bad, “I’m being shocking and therefore hilarious by joking about violence against children” approach, (which I’m glad it wasn’t) or a “Just joking, I’m really talking about beating kids at games” approach. Therefore, by the time I got around to the punch line, there was no “zing”. I’ll go into greater detail about possible solutions in the concept section though.
Just some suggestions:
“It teaches them to improve, and teaches them humility at the same time. Even the Bible says that parents should beat their children, and you cannot argue with the Bible because its the word of God”. Perhaps go into more detail, come up with a bible quote such as Matthew 7:19 “And then he spoketh to the crowd, “Go forth and bludgeon the fruit of your seed so that they may grow unto the Lords command and gain a degree in taxing the lepers””, or you know, something good.
“Beating children even improves their future job prospects, especially if there future occupation revolves around getting beat over the head with a slipper”
Here’s some shitty one-liners for you, feel free to use them, change them, or print them out, wipe your nose with them and flush them down the toilet. Hopefully they might inspire some of your own better jokes.
|Concept:||9||A small child’s suffering is a veritable gold mine for comedy. But then again, maybe I’m just a sicko.
Although I doubt you’ll rewrite your whole article based on my shitty suggestions, I’ll give them to you anyway. I’ll start by stating my understanding of the difference between concept and theme and how I’d change your article concept without changing the theme.
Ok, so child beating is your “theme” and your “concept” is to trick people into thinking they’re reading about child abuse and then kablamo, it’s only minor competitiveness. As I said above, this is a good angle and you can stick to it if you want but I feel it makes it a bit tedious and “been done before”. Another “concept” I thought you could use is to emphasise the parental aspect of it. I always find it funny when grown men try really hard to beat a kid at sports or video games or whatever just to prove their alpha male status, against fucking kids! So this way, instead of insisting on the benefits to the child like future job prospects and humility, emphasise the benefits to the adult like the inflated sense of self satisfaction you get from knowing you’re better at something than someone else, even if they are only ten years old and four foot high. You cover this slightly is the “fun” section but you could delve deeper into the psychology of a grown man who has to beat small people to feel good about himself. You could write it from the point of view of an ultra competitive dad who tries to teach his kids a “lesson” by whooping them at everything but only ends up teaching them that their dad is an arsehole.
|Prose and formatting:||8||The formatting and overall look of the article is quite good and you seem to write well enough to be understood by a brain dead invertebrate sponge like creature like myself so nice work. The only thing I can think of to add is you may want to use more imaginative language to spice things up a bit. Example, “When a child has been beaten, they try to figure out what they did wrong, and they learn from it, so not to do it again”, could become, “When a child has been sufficiently flogged to within an inch of his/her life by a cold half eaten salmon, he/she will spend the rest of his/her visit to grandma’s house contemplating the futility of their disobedience and will soon learn to quit while they’re ahead.” A terrible example but you get the idea.|
|Images:||8||Well, there’s only two but it seems like a suitable amount for an article of this length. This is just my personal opinion but the first picture in an article should be representative of the article in general. What you have here (Moses or something) only reflects back to one line and seems out of place. I feel you could better serve the article with something more generic and related to the theme such as an overzealous parent playing football with his kids who have been laid out on the ground or something.
The goofy picture is a great choice. It’s exactly the type of overzealous and ultra competitive parents I feel you should be making fun of in this article. The caption is also funny and fits the picture well.
|Final Score:||38||I hope this helps. Like I said, there's a great article to be had here and I hope you make an effort to bring it out.|
|Reviewer:||I understand and I wish to continue. . 05:21, April 25, 2012 (UTC)|