Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Why?:Be Emo?

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edit Why?:Be Emo?

A new article of mine. The tone is supposed to be slow and moppy. Any tips on how to improve tone would help. Otherwise, ONLY IN-DEPTH! I am open to anyone's opinion. Thanks! ~SirTagstitVFHNotMPEEINGCPTRotMBFF 03:06, 30 January 2009 (UTC)

I shall assist. IronLung 05:10, 31 January 2009 (UTC)

Humour: 5 Much of the humour falls flat. The best joke is the crudest one at the very end of the article (a great twist that should definitely be retained). A few of Elbert's maxims are really good, too. Some of the jokes are kind of hard to find, and I think this is due to the prose. Shorter, more punchy sentences would make these more obvious. It's alright to be a bit more blatant with humour in a few places, even though this is a character article.
Concept: 6 Good. Unfortunately, several articles of surprising quality already exist on this subject (Emo, HowTo:Be Emo) which is a shame, because the execution of this article is quite good. It's just... been done. Oh sadness. My recommendation for how to best improve this article is quite a drastic one: to reformat it into an UnBook. This will require a storyline: I suggest some sort of spiralling malaise following a breakup with Amy, guided by the maxims of Elbert. It could be quite a good and featurable first-person story -- it certainly has all the key components -- but it is not featurable in its current state due to its unintentional unoriginality.

I had better rate the current concept in case you choose not to change this into an UnBook. I like how the article is driven by Elbert the Emo's maxims of emo, and how the quotes gradually get sillier. These quotes are, to my mind, the most important part of the article: the character is basing his pitiful, meaningless existance on these quotes, so I think they need to be emphasised more. Otherwise, formatting as a Why? article makes the story fairly predictable.

Prose and formatting: 6 Much better than the last time I reviewed one of your articles. Fewer your/you're mixups and no other bad spellings I can detect. I want to recommend a better way to begin each section: take Elbert's quote and format it into an italicised poem or quote at the top of each section, broken up into four lines. Increasing the prominence of these quotes will give a better indication that Shayden is following Elbert's maxims as a way to live his life, and will help to break the article into more effective sections and avoid walls of text. Another good way to avoid walls of text is wikilinks.

Another thing about prose, which I mentioned above, is the sentences: they are simply too long, and the jokes get lost in the middles. This also contributes to the walls of text.

Regarding tone: not to press the point too much, but I think an UnBooks format would better suit this article, because a first-person character story is more expected, where Why? articles lend themselves to instructional manual-style deadpan.

Images: 6 The image of the doll is good, the arm is good, but the other two images could be better. This advice is going to sound terribly vague, but make the images more character-driven to relate better to the article.
Miscellaneous: 6.5 I had an idea of the final score as "almost 30" in mind before I began reviewing.
Final Score: 29.5 I want you to succeed because the writing style here is good, but unsuited to the type of article. Good luck.
Reviewer: IronLung 06:14, 31 January 2009 (UTC)
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