Yeah, I dunno what this is. Other than another first person article (I know they're not for everyone) But I'd like some feed back on it please. Particularly on the concept and Images. Also would like to know if you personally think it's featurable. Thanks very much now I have to go do a review. SKSirOrian57Talk RotM 20:21 8 September 2008
haha, wow. i really dodn't know where you were going with this one when i read the title, but i liked it. i am very intrigues, and want to read the rest of the article. this makes me wish i had thought of it before you got to it (damn you!)
where did i go wrong: 7
okay, some confusing stuff here, but solid nonetheless. the narrator is a woman; i didn't see that one coming. as 95% of the readers on this site are male, they will assume a male character. you should thus make some allusion to the narrator's woman-ness in the intro, for clarification. the narrator says 'commercials were too good for me', but then says that she wanted to get noticed, so maybe she should say something like 'commercials were too small-time for me'.
this is no kind of life to be living: 8
another great section. some points: the last sentence is implying the narrator ends up in heaven instead of hell, but isn't very clear (if that is the case). try rewording it. the 'I'm an actress' line would go good in the intro, to clarify the gender of the narator. i'm not sure why you linked 'action figure' to 'lie'. other than those nitpicky things, a solid section.
a bit short, but good nonetheless. maybe instead of 'balls' go with 'testicles' or something more classy. i really like how you stay away from the profanity-induced tirades that these type of articles usually become (except for the dyke line). i'd like to see more than one line about additional benefits. tie in the caption of the article and mention the merchandise, plus some other things to round out a second paragraph.
not that it matters: 6
a decent ending but it could use some work/rearranging. it took me a second to realize that the turbo-lax thing was the commericla you described and not some sort of bizzare porn that i dont want to know about. so maybe say turbo-lax ad. stay away from the vulgarity; you did it so well in the rest of the article, so replace 'shit' with 'junk' or something. i'm also not sure how much i like the ending; i'd almost rather see the narrator sign a six year contract with a slight pay decrease, and be confined to power ranger hell for the forseeable future. she could still consider porn, so you could keep much of the content in this section, but i think an ending without breaking free of the power rangers would serve better.
5/5 points for a well-known subject worthy of parody. who doesn't know of the awesomeness that is the power rangers universe?
4.5/5 points for execution. i really liked the way you stayed away from ranting, and the tone of a dejected actress is really great. i would, as i said, love to see an ending where she does not escape from power rangerness.
Prose and formatting:
i have to give you a pretty low score here, as you prose and formatting weren't acceptable, but that doesn't mean i won't help you increase it greatly. i'll give you a proofread, and take care of some formatting issues like the header line going through the image of the kid.
three is a good number of images. the last two had fine captions, but the first one was confusing becasue the kid uses the first person, when the rest of the article is voiced in the first person by the narrator. maybe simply putting the caption in quotes would serve to illustrate the fact the child is speaking.
my preview button tells me that your final score is 36.2. addressing your concerns, the concept is awesome, and the images are merely adequate. you could try to replace some images or captions, or i could try and help by taking some time and thinking of some way to awesomify the images (just drop me a line). i feel like with some cleaning up (which i will provide) and a better ending i would nom this for VFH myself (although it might be a while, i hate to nom too much stuff at once and i have a bit of a backlog). should you nom it i would support it, anyway. good job, great article, and good luck!