Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/White trash "(quick)"

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FAQ

edit White trash

ThecoolxavierguyfromghIII 01:07, August 21, 2011 (UTC)

It says 'quick' so I'll give it a quick review. Or something. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 19:39, 14 September 2011
Concept: 7 So this... 'white trash', it's a disease? But if that's the case, why not say so in the first place? It seems like what a lot of this does is beat around without ever really going anywhere, like the introduction saying how white trash is an alter-ego, and then how it's a demonic spirit that doesn't go away very easily... but it's like a disease. The entire article seems to be treating it like one. So perhaps it would work better to really treat it like one. Approach it like this a medical journal or something covering what seems to be a new diagnosis, perhaps. It's an idea, anyway.

But for now there's an awful lot of fluff, where the article just doesn't get to the point. Perhaps it's just organisation, though - a lot of the content is reasonable content, it's just not in the best place. Too much detail in the introduction - introduce, give the overview, but be more straight forward. You seem to be treating it as a disease, so say that in the first place (or if you do want to keep it as a spirit, say that in the first place; either way establish your concept from the start), and then say what others have thought it was, then briefly go into the manifestations and whatnot - sort of things a reader would need to know to recognise this disease, or at least get an idea of what it is, but not too much detail just yet. That's what the body is for - go into more detail in the next sections, just keep them organised. If you have separate things for causes and symptoms, might as well be separate sections, and might as well say more about each. It is good that you keep to the spirit thing with what you say, but why a spirit (or a disease, if you do do that)? What do folks think of when they think of 'evil spirit', and how can you tie that in?

Humour: 5 Eh, the {{whoops}} and the quote really aren't helping anything here. Either make jokes (insulting the reader isn't actually that funny) that fit the rest of the article and set the tone (or in the case of the whoops, it could also be used to link legitimate other articles one might have been looking for), or just don't use those. They look bad and they don't help.

Self-reference back to the article isn't really that strong, either; you'd never see that in an actual encyclopaedia entry and it doesn't really help for this. Saying things like 'Many other areas, although more rare, have been more rare', since I don't even know what means likewise doesn't help, mainly because I don't know what that's talking about. There's no need to be clever, here, either, since what you're doing with overall concept and subject should lend itself well to ample jokes, and throughout most of it, it really does, and they work, so stick more to that. But the bit about 'contributing to this PSA', that's not really helping.

The section about helping the cause doesn't really fit, given what Uncyclopedia is and how the rest of the article doesn't seem to be an elaborate marketing ploy... of course, if you do want to make the rest into that, it might work. Might.

Prose and formatting: 4 This is probably your weakest point - a lot of it just seems to ramble, which really doesn't help the overall organisation. Pay attention to your points - if they don't fit in whatever section they're in, hold onto them and put them somewhere else, probably where they would. And within sections, when you get to a new point, make a new paragraph and keep the stuff related to that in that paragraph, and when it leads to another point, lead to another paragraph, if that even makes any sense in practice.

I'm also not sure why you have the causes indented - should probably make it the same form as the rest of it.

When you list the symptoms, perhaps formatting it like an actual list, with *bullet points and whatnot, might look better...

Mind where you put the images. You'd probably want a lead image (just putting the first one at the top would do it), and don't have them hanging off the bottom of the text like the last one - just... move it up a bit. As it doesn't seem tied to any particular section, it shouldn't really matter where you put it, after all. So make it look good.

Images: 6 Sensible images. Captions tie them into the overall article, though you may want to consider using ones to illustrate particular sections or jokes within the article as well or instead (depending on how much longer this gets). They're not particularly funny, though. The first one is a good example, mind, but the second... perhaps explain why that one fits more? It looks like a joke that isn't really defined, as it is...
Miscellaneous: 5 Is there brown trash, too?
Final Score: 27 Right, er, here's thoughts. Yesh. Hopefully this will help, do keep working on the article and adding to it, and work on the organisation, and it should improve. If you have any questions or comments or would like to have me killed, please don't hesitate to stop by my talk page. Best of lucks.
Reviewer: 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 20:19, 14 September 2011
7
Bloink
Concept
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
So this... 'white trash', it's a disease? But if that's the case, why not say so in the first place? It seems like what a lot of this does is beat around without ever really going anywhere, like the introduction saying how white trash is an alter-ego, and then how it's a demonic spirit that doesn't go away very easily... but it's like a disease. The entire article seems to be treating it like one. So perhaps it would work better to really treat it like one. Approach it like this a medical journal or something covering what seems to be a new diagnosis, perhaps. It's an idea, anyway.

But for now there's an awful lot of fluff, where the article just doesn't get to the point. Perhaps it's just organisation, though - a lot of the content is reasonable content, it's just not in the best place. Too much detail in the introduction - introduce, give the overview, but be more straight forward. You seem to be treating it as a disease, so say that in the first place (or if you do want to keep it as a spirit, say that in the first place; either way establish your concept from the start), and then say what others have thought it was, then briefly go into the manifestations and whatnot - sort of things a reader would need to know to recognise this disease, or at least get an idea of what it is, but not too much detail just yet. That's what the body is for - go into more detail in the next sections, just keep them organised. If you have separate things for causes and symptoms, might as well be separate sections, and might as well say more about each. It is good that you keep to the spirit thing with what you say, but why a spirit (or a disease, if you do do that)? What do folks think of when they think of 'evil spirit', and how can you tie that in?

5
Bloink
Humour
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
Eh, the {{whoops}} and the quote really aren't helping anything here. Either make jokes (insulting the reader isn't actually that funny) that fit the rest of the article and set the tone (or in the case of the whoops, it could also be used to link legitimate other articles one might have been looking for), or just don't use those. They look bad and they don't help.

Self-reference back to the article isn't really that strong, either; you'd never see that in an actual encyclopaedia entry and it doesn't really help for this. Saying things like 'Many other areas, although more rare, have been more rare', since I don't even know what means likewise doesn't help, mainly because I don't know what that's talking about. There's no need to be clever, here, either, since what you're doing with overall concept and subject should lend itself well to ample jokes, and throughout most of it, it really does, and they work, so stick more to that. But the bit about 'contributing to this PSA', that's not really helping.

The section about helping the cause doesn't really fit, given what Uncyclopedia is and how the rest of the article doesn't seem to be an elaborate marketing ploy... of course, if you do want to make the rest into that, it might work. Might.

4
Bloink
Prose and formatting
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
This is probably your weakest point - a lot of it just seems to ramble, which really doesn't help the overall organisation. Pay attention to your points - if they don't fit in whatever section they're in, hold onto them and put them somewhere else, probably where they would. And within sections, when you get to a new point, make a new paragraph and keep the stuff related to that in that paragraph, and when it leads to another point, lead to another paragraph, if that even makes any sense in practice.

I'm also not sure why you have the causes indented - should probably make it the same form as the rest of it.

When you list the symptoms, perhaps formatting it like an actual list, with *bullet points and whatnot, might look better...

Mind where you put the images. You'd probably want a lead image (just putting the first one at the top would do it), and don't have them hanging off the bottom of the text like the last one - just... move it up a bit. As it doesn't seem tied to any particular section, it shouldn't really matter where you put it, after all. So make it look good.

6
Bloink
Images
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
Sensible images. Captions tie them into the overall article, though you may want to consider using ones to illustrate particular sections or jokes within the article as well or instead (depending on how much longer this gets). They're not particularly funny, though. The first one is a good example, mind, but the second... perhaps explain why that one fits more? It looks like a joke that isn't really defined, as it is...
5
Bloink
Miscellaneous
Anything else... or not...
Is there brown trash, too?
27
Bloink
Final score
1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 20:19, 14 September 2011
Right, er, here's thoughts. Yesh. Hopefully this will help, do keep working on the article and adding to it, and work on the organisation, and it should improve. If you have any questions or comments or would like to have me killed, please don't hesitate to stop by my talk page. Best of lucks.
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