Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/What They Forget To Tell You...

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edit What They Forget To Tell You...

Go ahead. Tell me how good this is. :P Fist of Judgement 22:10, 16 April 2008 (UTC)


Humour: 7 I will admit that I am glad to see a well written article, specifically one with a nice snap to it, but as with any average article, the humour is good, but not great. If I had to say what my favorite part was, it would definitely have been the “Santa isn’t real” part. I liked how you took the spin of Santa not just existing and turned him into some sort of monster, specifically the Name Change to make him more “Saint Nickey” for lack of a better term. (On the side note, Santa rearranged becomes Satan… hint hint).

The rest of the article had decent amounts of humour mixed in around, the jokes about making yourself seem smart and “fooling” the guy into believing you didn’t get too old, and was spread decently around.

Concept: 8 Whooo, what a concept. While I do not think Sarcasm can be placed merrily into this article, you did a decent job of throwing the humour in with its own eclectic spin. While the article does not need too much work, I would suggest throwing in a few more jabs here and there. Honestly, I am almost jealous of this aticle, honestly, I never would have thought of this article (Then again, I don’t do much writing so… bleah.)
Prose and formatting: 4 This is the one and only section that REALLY needs work. I might seem like a hypercritic, but these are the errors I could find…
  1. “This is because hopefully your adults ‘’’are having more sex’’’ than you are and/or they really don't care about you.” Sentence just sounds awkward, would recommend something along the lines of “The only reason this is happening is because, frankly, Adults ‘’’don’t care’’’ about you <insert name here>, not one bit.
  2. “people "inform" you are said in a careful” Again, sounds a bit awkward.
  3. ”the guy who falls off 9 years before” Small problem with tense, “The gut that fell off 9 years ago” would work a bit better.
  4. ”What The Fuck Thanks Thank You” I understand where you are trying to go with this, but frankly, it does not sound necessary. If you can think of another acronym for WTFTTY, use it in of the current on.
  5. “Blessed are thee who die for their” I think that “Blessed are those who die for their beliefs” would work just a bit better.
    • While I do not have a problem with a bit of emotion in the article, the :O seems out of place. If you delete it or not is up to you, but emotion can much more readily be thrown in with Big Text (Which you did) ‘’’Bold text’’’ (Which you did), and even, small text (Which I think would look nice in the last sentence).

I doubt that I found all the errors in this article, so I would recommend you grab a proofreader from the Proofreading Service, just to scrub out all the offending bits.

Images: 9 Not bad at all, and all the images are definitely relevant. Throwing in the right-left-right-left helped this article flow, something I was glad to see. The one-liner jokes were all there, which was good. The only problem in this category comes with the last picture (“See what you did?”). The problem is that the reader didn’t “do” anything, and it seems a bit inconsistent with the tone of the article
Miscellaneous: 7.5 Avg’d as per Pee Review requirements.
Final Score: 35.5 I don’t want to take too much more of your time, so here is what you could do, in a can.
  1. Fix the grammar errors
  2. Reread HTBFANJS and peel the article up a bit more
  3. Expand the Misc section a bit more, and make it into a story rather then a one liner, but don’t use all four, that would make the article too long!
  4. Fix the last image
  5. Treat yourself to a nice cookie or something for writing such a good article.

I thank you a lot for this excellent read over breakfast, and am looking forward to seeing this work its way onto VFH (But only after a second review!) Good luck!

Reviewer: Warm Regards, Javascap
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