Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/What's with these homies dissin' my girl?
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- To the top. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 03:57, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||7||Ok this is going to be an incredibly difficult article to review, so if it isn't as in depth as you'd like I apologise. It's been sitting here for weeks though and someone has to get it.
Right, so your humour is ok, the biggest problems with this article in my opinion are with its underlying concept, so I probably won't have much to say in any sections other than concept. Your wordy recreation of the lyrics to Weezer's Buddy Holly is quite well done and is humorous at times. The main problem here is that it's a bit of a one-note joke, if you know what I mean. It's kind of the only joke in the article, and in fact it makes up the entirety of the text. The joke isn't hugely funny either, which doesn't help - it's just a retelling of a song but written in a more clinical way. I don't really feel the lyrics are silly, funny or generally remarkable enough to warrant such a treatment. It's the kind of thing that would probably be considered "cool" rather than funny.
I really recommend you try to branch out with the humour, I have a lot more suggestions regarding this in Concept, but for now I'll just say it would be nice to see some more varied jokes (that kind of goes against the nature of the article, I know, but I'm not sure what else to suggest). Go and look at the lyrics of Buddy Holly again maybe, and see if there's anything in there you can poke fun at. The line about her eyes being slits and her tongue being twisted always struck me as being a bit strange. What the hell is he talking about there? It sounds like quite a serious physical condition. Perhaps you could allude to that. As far as I can remember as well, don't the lyrics continue to the point where the narrator gets into a fight with the "homies"? I remember him saying he loses his shoe or something; it's been a while since I listened to it. Why not carry on into the rest of the song? A portrayal of the fight could be quite humorous if handled correctly. Also, the last section entitled "me" doesn't seem to have much to do with the song lyrics, and contains mostly further ramblings on why the "homies" are "dissing" his girl. While you probably should venture away from the lyrics when you can, I think having a whole section like this without any actual lyrics seems a bit off-topic.
With the parts you've already got, you should try and think of ways to make them funnier. Just having that serious tone alone isn't enough, you need some more jokes. Have a think about what is humorous about the situation, and, as I've already said, the lyrics. I really liked how you got the "woo woo" bit in, although it could have been handled better (the prose was just a little messy is all, try to make it flow better by just sticking to the actual lyrics and maybe put the "woo woo" in brackets). Anyway, this got me thinking that you could refer to other parts of the song for comedic purposes. Like the funny guitar riff they do that sounds like Ennio Morricone, or the most famous part of the song: it's music video.
I think you also need more of a reason for the article's existence; something that makes it all come together at the end and explains the link between it and the song. Maybe you could end with the narrator deciding he's going to write a song about it, or something.
|Concept:||5||Ok, here is where I feel the main issue is. The article isn't bad or anything, but as an idea I don't think it gives much room for humour, which is why it ends up being just one joke told throughout the whole article. What you do here is totally up to you of course, and I totally trust your judgement, however perhaps adjusting the foundations of it would allow you to explore new areas of comedy. These are just my ideas, do with them as you will:
|Prose and formatting:||9||To be honest, I can't really fault your spelling and grammar, good work there. Your prose are also pretty good to, given that they're the basis of your joke. The style kind of reminds me of the My Sojourn articles in that it blends low brow, slangy language like "homies" and "diss" with odd, clinical speech patterns (ie. "dissing incident", "the dissing preceeded the fronting" etc). This of course is neither a bad nor good thing, just an observation. Just make sure to give it a thorough proofread, especially if you're changing stuff. There were one or two parts where the prose loses its flow, like the woo-hoo bit and some of the parts set in the grocery store, so just give the article another read through to make sure it's all how you want it.|
|Images:||7||The images of Buddy Holly and Mary Tyler Moore work well, it's just the first one I don't really like. First of all, it's a bit of a low-quality image. It looks too fuzzy, perhaps try and upload a better version of it. It also seems strange that you're using the cover of Weezer's latest album when Buddy Holly was on their first. This especially sits uncomfortably with me because their last album was really lame. More pictures of the incident might be nice, particularly if you go down one of the routes I suggested in Concept (although all of those different routes should open up new ideas for images for you). I think you might need something that establishes your concept better for you main image, however, although pictures of Weezer are still a good idea.|
|Miscellaneous:||6||Scored by my gut feeling. I'd also like to mention that I'm a big fan of Weezer, particularly their album Pinkerton, which I consider one of the most accomplished and underrated rock albums of all time.|
|Final Score:||34||Ok, so just to sum up again I'm sorry if this isn't as in-depth as you might have dreamed of, it really has been one of those difficult-to-review articles. Anyway, I hope some of the stuff here helps, and even if you don't follow through on my suggestions, I hope they inspire you to fix up the article in your own way, or see problems you might not have noticed before. Like I said, I reckon the biggest issue is the core idea, which sadly might mean a total rewrite should you want to revise it. If you want me to explain anything I've said here, or to look at anything more specific please leave me a message and I'll see if I can help.|
|Reviewer:||--Black Flamingo 13:59, October 16, 2010 (UTC)|