Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/West Timor

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edit West Timor

Please criticize constructively. This is my second article on Uncyclopedia.--M'su Carencro - Talk - Contributions - Blag 01:22, March 21, 2010 (UTC)

I wonder why no one reviews my articles. Possibly a secret conspiracy involving cheese, for some odd reason. M'su Carencro - Talk - Contributions - Blag 01:05, March 25, 2010 (UTC)
I had one article go an entire month without reviewing once... When I finish up my review I promised for IWKU and no one else has jumped on this, I'd be happy to review it for you --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} 08:04 EST 25 Mar, 2010
Don't worry, I'm on it. Nameable mumble? 20:47, March 25, 2010 (UTC)
Humour: 4 Firstly, can I just check something? This is your second article, right? Because that is amazing. Honestly, my second article was so awful I daren't mention it, whereas in contrast this is really very good. So, really take heart in the fact that this is a well written piece that could stay on Uncyclopedia for a long time being absolutely happy.

However, I guess you wish to improve it, so I will help you, with a few hints that might help. Let's go through in order...

  • Introduction: It is the norm of Uncyclopedia for introductions to be fairly short. They don't have to, by any means, but it is a style Wikipedia normally has, which we try to copy (and improve :P). Perhaps this first part is a bit long, and as some of the things you do then explain in later sections, I think it would be best if you cut some out. In terms of humour, however, this section is lacking. In terms of humour, this section isn't that funny, but don't fret, so long as there are laughs later, you should be fine.
  • Proud History: By this time it is fairly obvious where this article is going (see Concept). Here, however, you have a problem. Though the irony of the propaganda/super supportive/evidently wrong angle is quite humorous, it's not really hilarious. You do have a particularly good line here (the men and women cowardly fled), but it is not enough. What you should do is either really go for the angle you've chosen, and make it blatantly obvious (i.e. "The brave, strong men then proceeded to slaughter each one of the unarmed, helpless, innocent children! What fighting skills and masterful combat it was! How heroic they were!") or make it more sarcastic (i.e. "After the first glorious democratic election, in which absolutely no vote-rigging or cheating or blackmail took place...I mean none...not even one bit....) This, I believe, would make it funnier.
  • Proud People: Again, this was clever, and nicely written and all that...but not all that funny. I smiled at it, but never laughed out loud. Try one of the same tactics as above to improve.
  • Proud Culture: Some stuff I did very much like here - your "creating beautiful propaganda" moment and "Burning of the Infidels" - in fact most of the second paragraph. This is an improvement undoubtedly on the first one, but still was almost too convincing to be funny! I know that sounds ridiculous, but I have seen some of the old Chinese propaganda, and it is scary how much this would ring true.
  • East Timor: The "women's suffrage" mention and the "kill humans" line were the funniest part of this section. Unfortunately, the article suffers because it is all written in the same voice - the tone never changes. Now, this is normally a really good thing, that I would definitely definitely encourage, but sadly this time the tone is quite grating and repetitive. I could almost guess what was coming in this section just from the title and picture. It was funny, but predictable, one type of humour repeated over and over again.

Some pointers to help really make this article super: - Don't repeat yourself too much. - Use more than one type of joke (perhaps a random funny acronym, or maybe at one point - completely out of character, just for a sentence - admit that in fact West Timor does suffer from really bad pig infestations, but it's nothing to worry about.) It just helps improve the whole roundedness. And keep writing!

Concept: 6 On to concept: it's quite good. I'm assuming it was "write about a country that is obviously a nightmare dictatorship as though it is the best in the world?" This is fair enough, and you stuck to it, which was good, but you will notice from the humour section that eventually I found the joke wore thin. The trouble with this concept is its rigidity means you can do little to prevent this happening. So perhaps you should make your concept something more like "write about a country that is obviously a nightmare dictatorship as though it is best in the world...except on Tuesdays or in my humble opinion as the great leader or except for Australia or apparently, anyway, that's what some guy down the pub said.

Do you understand what I'm saying? At some point, there has to be something new to make the reader laugh.

Prose and formatting: 6 Here are a few general points of interest:
  • Shorten the introduction so as not to worry the casual reader.
  • Don't repeat yourself. I've noticed that this does happen occasionally. Are you being really good as what the character would do? If not, get rid of it. Keep it clear and concise.
  • Please get rid of the blessings be upon him. It's not funny, it's just annoying (for me, anyway, it's still up to you). If you really want to emphasise his name, why not put his name in bold or italics or something?
  • You have very good punctuation and grammar, nothing niggled my grammar sensors.
  • This probably should have been mentioned in the humour section, but what are the Nine Full Moons? Either: explain them briefly in a new section, or: change them to something the reader is already familiar with (ie. call them the Nine Full Moons of Shang-el-too), or even: just put them into context briefly.
  • Also, you call them "nine moons" at the beginning" but "Nine Full Moons" at the end. Consistency is the key! :)
  • More blue links are needed, ones that don't direct to what you want them too are actually great. But don't, I repeat use them to link to you.
Images: 6 Images now. Not bad work here...
  • Map: Perfectly clear and also funny caption. Two thumbs up.
  • Building: Clear image, I assume it is of a real place, but the caption could do with some work. Maybe emphasise how it took 480 blind, albino stonemason slaves 90 years to build, using only their hands, sand and water....yet they all said they really really enjoyed it when asked for their feedback.
  • Man: Nice acceptable image. Was it made by you? I like the caption.
  • Burning Man: Funny and clear. Another two thumbs up.
  • Devil Guy: Weak image sadly. And it was the last one. The caption kind of helped (though I was confused by why the photographer would be dead). If I were you, I would do a really shoddy job of photoshopping horns on to the President of East Timor (just the horns mind), then caption it "A picture of the president of East Timor when he is not putting on his outside-world face. Yes seriously. No way has that been photoshopped. Photoshopping is infidel American scum!" The irony might be funny, possibly.
Miscellaneous: 6 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 28 Wow. I hope I have been helpful to you, but also encouraging, as that is my ultimate aim. Keep writing, and Good luck! :)
Reviewer: Nameable mumble? 21:49, March 25, 2010 (UTC)
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