Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Weighted Companion Cube
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I would just like some feedback. I did this as a spur of the moment thing after realizing that there was not Uncyclopedia page for the Weighted Companion Cube.
Stickguy 01:47, 14 June 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||7||Hmm, I guess the joke here is that someone (you) has actually taken the time to put so much effort into writing about this subject. Good on you sir!
In places, it's too random. In particular the first History paragraph just appeared to be over the top. I liked your style a lot more in next section where you talk about "Unfortunatly, murmurs of pedophilia began to surface and WeCoC was imprisoned on what he claimed to be false accusations. He was later let out on paroll." and such. That section is far more dry and I found that it worked a lot better than when you were just making up random facts. OK, I know the pedophilia bit is random also, but because you wrote it in such a serious style it worked. If you can transfer this style into the first paragraph it would help there a lot. I really did not like all the mention of kittens. To me that smacked of Uncyc "In jokes" and a lot of readers are bored of them now. Whatever you do, tone down the Uncyc related memes a bit...
Basically, if you are going the "silly serious" route you need to make the style as seriously written as you can. Try to muster your most perfect English, and avoid anything which might make the reader think that you have added in pointless randomness. Randomness is obviously what you need here, but do it in such a way as to fool the reader into thinking that perhaps, maybe this is actually about something other than what it is. You get my point I hope... "Eventually, his father died of an AIDs infection in his laser beam because he had begun sleeping around with Turret #12, and everyone knows that she's a slut." is just not going to cut it, and spoils the effect...
|Concept:||7.5||You are not the first to try this, but you have done it rather well, so I'm giving ya an above average score.|
|Prose and formatting:||7.5||As I said above your style breaks down a tad in places, and would work better if it were more consistent. Personally, I only like to see 1 or maybe 2 red links per article, and those should be to new pages which Uncyc really needs. I'm not sure we need an article on "hardcore box porn", well maybe we do, but it's probably going to be you that writes it if we do so there is no need for the red link.
I could not really see much wrong with your grammar or spelling, but I'm not expert on that...
|Images:||8||Good pics. I really liked the "Screenshot of late 60's television show world" pic. That really helps to increase the illusion of the cube's real life encounters. I think you could probably use one more though. How about a pic of the cube appearing on a popular talk show or maybe him on the news? CNN, Fox? What about Time Magazine? Cube of the Year?|
|Final Score:||37.5||It's a good concept, but just needs a bit more of a polish. Read back through a few times and strip out anything which you do not think is actually helping. Less is more, especially when it's spoiling the effect for the rest of the article. Maybe branch out into his failed attempts to appear in other games, and the impact that had on his life. What about his rivirary with other cubes? this one maybe or even this.
Because the humour here is kinda dry, some will not get it, but that's hard luck on them if you ask me...
Basically, keep it super serious. Drop the kittens. Keep trying...
Feel free to contact me via my talk page if ya want any more feedback. Cheers.
|Reviewer:||MrN 22:45, Jun 28|