Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Various Fatal Syndromes

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Revision as of 22:08, December 2, 2009 by ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs)

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edit Various Fatal Syndromes

MaXDeAtH 16:36, November 26, 2009 (UTC)

I've got this one. 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 19:14, December 2, 2009 (UTC)

Humour: 5 OK, the humour in your article isn't too bad but could use a bit more work. Your jokes aren't too bad on the whole but there are some minor problems. The first thing I recommend you do is take a look at HTBFANJS, not because you can't write or because I didn't find your article funny, as I did, in parts, but because it is an excellent resource. The first thing that struck me was the Chuck Norris section, simply because I spend time patrolling for vandalism. While the section is OK, I would recommend revising it as the whole Chuck Norris thing is very very old these days. My recommendation is to try to be creative and attempt to come up with a different type of syndrome to put in there. My second point was that while your jokes about the syndromes are OK, you are very overt with your punchlines, I think it would make your jokes a lot better if you were more subtle, rather than saying something like "Most people with the syndrome are also addicted to marijuana." try incorporating it into a sentence and not devoting an entire sentence to it, that way it will have more impact when the reader realises what you are saying. A bigger problem is that the article is basically a list, padded out with prose in certain places, lists are reasonably funny but, they should be a small part of an article rather than making up the majority of an article. My best advice would be to go back and try to take some of the prose from the list and expand it into something you can use to surround the list. Try having some more sections, something like discovery, developing treatments and history of the syndromes. You could even head over to wikipedia and steal their format for a disease article, and could consider dividing up the diseases and making things more organised. Basically try having one section for "Text Syndrome" then have some prose on the prognosis and the various other items, this will make your article seem far less listy. You should also aim to have an equal amount of information on each disease, as I felt there was a lot of potential for a couple you dismissed relatively swiftly.

My final suggestion would be to work on your coherence and some of the names of the syndrome's most of those jokes feel old or cliche'd so try to come up with some more original stuff for them, if you are having trouble with that try changing up the description of the disease and avoid using in-jokes or overused jokes, use them in the titles if you like, but try to make the text amusing in itself. HTBFANJS should be able to help you out on any of the finer details. Don't get me wrong there are real sparks of excellence here, you just need to sort the problems out to let them truly shine.

Concept: 6 The concept isn't too bad, but your execution is flawed, as I said above you should try to avoid making lists, as it gets predictable after a while. Your tone could also use some work, the problem is that you are trying to use two tones at once, on one hand you are trying to be encyclopaedic when you present the diseases, but on the other you are being informal and using the third person, I would recommend you choose between these two. My recommendation would be that, since you are already far enough down the route of encyclopaedic, that you expand it. This basically mean make it sound like a real encyclopaedia article. To do this try to avoid being colloquial or offering an opinion. For a good example of this tone in use take a look at this article. Take note of the technique the author uses, to still make jokes but to be subtle about it at the same time. A good way to do this is through non-sequiturs, which basically means linking text to somewhere that makes a joke on its own. If you want to try the other style then take a look at this article. Whatever you decide make sure you are one or the other, mixing tones prevents an article flowing or sounding professional, and both of these are important for the humour aspect.
Prose and formatting: 6 OK, your prose isn't horrendous and just needs padding out of the list. I was pleased to note that your spelling and grammar was pretty good for the most part, though I will still take a moment to encourage proofreading, I realise it is dull and I realise the last thing you want to do when you finish an article is read it through again, if this is the case feel free to ask for help from UN:PS. Your formatting does leave something to be desired, the article is quite scruffy to begin with, part of this is because of the content but also because of the images. My advice would be to firstly divide the diseases up so they each have their own heading (i.e. use ==This sort of heading==) then place an image for each into the sections. It is difficult to advise much more on this until some expansion has taken place, so work on this to start with. If you want to keep the current set-up then try not to have the images all pushed towards the lower half of the article, spread them upwards so things feel less crowded at the bottom and less empty at the top.
Images: 6 Your images aren't too bad, but I definitely think you can do better with the last one. Having to increase the image's size breaks the flow of the article a lot, and partially because of this, and partially because my internet crashed, I forgot where I was when I navigated back to the article. Try to be a bit more creative and have a hunt round for a better image, something like a gravestone, your caption could be something like "A patient with YouAreDead Syndrome". I would encourage you to experiment with new images, and by all means ask other users what they think of differing ones. You should also remember your captions, captions are very important and can make or break an image so I would encourage you to experiment with these too. You have a good enough start with these, you just need to work on it a bit more.
Miscellaneous: 5 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 28 You have an average article here, it is funny in places and I smiled a few times as I read, but you need to go back and take another look at some parts of it to make sure you are doing everything you can do right, right. I realise there is a lot of criticism in this review, but I would urge you not to be discouraged, I would love to see you go the extra mile to work on this one and I would be happy to help you out if you are running into problems. If you have any questions or comments you can ask me here and I will do my best to help. Good luck making any changes.
Reviewer: --ChiefjusticeDS 22:08, December 2, 2009 (UTC)
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