Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Vampire Ninja

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edit Vampire Ninja

Ravenix 16:02, 27 August 2008 (UTC)

Hey all, just looking for some opinions on my page, i.e. how I can improve it and so on.

You're also welcome to add to the Vampire Ninja mythos.

This article is under review by
Gerry Cheevers.

Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!!
Humour: 4.6 *intro: 1

not a good start. three quotes, none of which are humorous. having oscar wilde quotes on a page is really tough to pull off nowadays, as it's been done to death. quoting yourself in an article is frowned upon at best. also, the content of your intro is lacking; it should draw the reader in and make them want to read the entirety of the article. explain what vampire ninjas are and give some background.

  • origin: 7

actually not bad, much better than i was expecting after the intro. really short, but this might actually serve as a solid introduction, if you were to put this first (by getting rid of everything above it). i'm not sure about the PMS comment, but the rest of it was pretty good; try to draw the idea out more.

  • actual story: 5

hmmm some random stuff here. it can be tough to distinguish random stuff that most people would consider funny (the goat bit) from random stuff that will mostly fall flat (the PMS angle). if you're going to use good ol' vincent valentine as your origin, you might want to keep in mind that anyone who hasn't played FF7 or one of the 84 offshoots will have this concept fly over their heads (not to mention many who have played FF7 - he was a hidden character!).

  • modern day vampire ninja: 4

hmmm lists. lists are almost universally frowned upon. however, these lists aren't so bad. i would recommend keeping them, trimming them down, and putting them into the form of a coherent paragraph. you seem to borrow some stuff from monty python, which is also frowned upon - come up with something original! i personally don't like the PMS angle, it kind of brings the rest of the article down.

  • enemies / what to do: 6

nothing really too humorous about this section, although i do like the idea of offering a cup of tea being the only reliable defense - i'd like to see expansion on that. don't sign your name at the bottom of your article.

Concept: 5 4/5 points for a subject that doesn't exist, but could exist without too much of a stretch.

1/5 points for execution. i really don't like the PMS theme, and i think another (more clever) explanation for vampire ninjas' mood swings would serve better (something like the inability to deal with sunlight combined with the fact that cotton ninja outfits don't breathe - i don't know). you seem to be very informal, addressing the reader as 'you' and using devies like 'well, to be honest'. i think an encyclopedia tone would serve better here. if the reader has to go on wikipedia after reading this article to check if vampire ninjas indeed exist, then you have succeeded. this applies to the section headings, too. for example, 'Anyway, on to the Actual Story...' might not work as well as 'Origins' or 'History'. i'm not sure how well including vincent valentine works, again due to the fact that most of your readers will have no idea who he is.

Prose and formatting: 5 your prose and formatting were sub-average. i'll give you a proofread, and should you improve this article and need another proofread in the future, simply place {{Proofread}} on your page somewhere and someone will be along shortly. i'll correct your headings, too, as they seem to be inconsistent. lists are bad and leave a lot of whitespace, and your article in general was extremely short. add some content; look to the wikipedia pages on vampires and ninjas for inspiration.
Images: 5 two images. both were ok as long as you keep their respective things in the article; however i did recommend removing both of them so i will suggest some alternative images: a vampire and a ninja for starters. also maybe a tea party if that's waht calms them down.
Miscellaneous: 4.9 average!
Final Score: 24.5 my preview button tells me that your final score is 24.5. don't fret! i think you have a decent idea which can blossom into at least a solid article. i see you are relatively new, and you spent less than two hours on this article. one section in HTBFANJS states that the more time you spend on an article, the more people will like it. so: spend some time! keep working on improving it and it will get better! on that note, read HTBFANJS. a lot. it always helps, especially when you're stuck. if you need anything else feel free to harass me on my talk page. good luck!
Reviewer: SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 19:06, 28 August 2008 (UTC)
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