Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:waylander37/Nazi Poetry

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edit User:waylander37/Nazi Poetry

Waylander37 17:45, September 8, 2011 (UTC)

AH'M REVIEWIN' DIS LIEK A SONK. An eeble sonk, that is. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 19:00, 19 September 2011
Concept: 4 Right, so what exactly are you doing with this? Currently, you basically have a bunch of poems - which would be more fine if this were UnPoetia, but you seem to be writing an article, here, as much about the poems as a showcase for them. This is good, but you need to actually carry it through - write about them. Set the scene, first - finish your introduction and actually introduce the subject - what's so notable about these poems, what background can you give, what individuals have been involved, and what sort of hokey silliness have folks interpreted them to actually mean? Start it out like a wikipedia article, or like an UnScript - most of the good ones (like UnScripts:The Socialer Network) give an introduction to what the script is/was actually for and whatnot.

With these, though, you introduce each - this is good, but you should say more about them, you know? How they tie into the others, how they tie into whatever your main approach to the lot winds up being. Don't just throw out some poems saying, here are some poems! Make it seem like an encyclopaedia entry, or whatever you're trying to make. But I'm going to assume it's probably an encyclopaedia entry because Uncyclopedia is supposedly an encyclopaedia.

Humour: 6 You have some good stuff here... and also some not good stuff. Once you tie it all together and introduce and analyse and whatnot the poetry more everything should come together better, but as for what you have... it seems like you tried to use stand-up comedy techniques in an article, or some such, and it just doesn't work. Saying 'they love a good whore, but now onto the actual subject' is just random, and randomness won't generally help you. Go into the subject immediately and stay on the subject. You can say things that aren't are related, that can work, and what you have about the general clichéd poetry stuff is quite promising, that mention of suppressed emotion and whatnot... more of that sort of thing, mon.

The poems are also rather amusing. They're silly and have nice turnabouts and quite frankly they're better than most of UnPoetia, which is kind of depressing, but also a good sign for you. I'd work more on the prose stuff, anyhow.

The Holocaust thing is a nice turnabout, too - completely self-contradictory, but that can work.

The conclusion, though, I think this might work a lot better if you did it in an overly intellectual manner - like some self-important academic trying to... whatever this article is trying to do. What is this article trying to do? Sorting that out (or putting it to use more, if you already know and it just wasn't apparent here) should help immensely.

Prose and formatting: 5 Prose, prose prose... tone is prose. Tone is also something you'll want to work on - either make it seem professional or have a particular reason why it's not professional - say, writing it as if it's a student's report for some literature class or something. For how to write professionally-like, uh... look at wikipedia. For how to write effective crap that could be anything, look at these for examples. Yeah.

Some other things:

  • 'Neo-Nazi' is generally hyphenated.
  • 'Nazi' should probably be capitalised, same as all proper nouns (place names, song names).
  • 'Its' denotes possession; 'it's' is the contraction of 'it' and 'is'; you'll want to be careful about these.
  • It's proper to capitalise the beginnings of sentences and end them with periods (or other applicable punctuation).
  • You should probably get a browser with a spellchecker. Chrome or Opera seem to be the most sane these days.
  • See if you can vary your sentences more - different lengths and structures and whatnot; it currently seems like a lot of them are very short and it makes the reading somewhat jumpy.
  • I added formatting to the poems by use of an indent; other options would be using a <br /> tag (line break) at the end of each line or put each poem inside a <poem></poem> (this tells the software to treat the text differently). The way it was made the entire article look quite spindly, however.
  • 'Engaging scents\ Rearing me unconscious' - I think you mean 'rendering me unconscious', but I'm not sure.
  • 'This article has been brought to you by:' doesn't appear to have any reason for being there.
Images: 0 You really should add some images - not necessarily of the poetry itself, but perhaps the poets? Famous ones, ones at war, ones who sing, etc... or images depicting matters in the individual poems might work rather well as well.
Miscellaneous: 5 Cheese waffles.
Final Score: 20 This is a good start, mon, but you'll need to tie it together more... and make it prettier. And such. Hopefully this review will help, good luck, and please don't murder me. If you promise not to murder me, feel free to stop by my talkpage with any questions or comments or whatnot. I'm just paranoid because of all the Naziness here.
Reviewer: 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 20:45, 19 September 2011
4
Bloink
Concept
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
Right, so what exactly are you doing with this? Currently, you basically have a bunch of poems - which would be more fine if this were UnPoetia, but you seem to be writing an article, here, as much about the poems as a showcase for them. This is good, but you need to actually carry it through - write about them. Set the scene, first - finish your introduction and actually introduce the subject - what's so notable about these poems, what background can you give, what individuals have been involved, and what sort of hokey silliness have folks interpreted them to actually mean? Start it out like a wikipedia article, or like an UnScript - most of the good ones (like UnScripts:The Socialer Network) give an introduction to what the script is/was actually for and whatnot.

With these, though, you introduce each - this is good, but you should say more about them, you know? How they tie into the others, how they tie into whatever your main approach to the lot winds up being. Don't just throw out some poems saying, here are some poems! Make it seem like an encyclopaedia entry, or whatever you're trying to make. But I'm going to assume it's probably an encyclopaedia entry because Uncyclopedia is supposedly an encyclopaedia.

6
Bloink
Humour
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
You have some good stuff here... and also some not good stuff. Once you tie it all together and introduce and analyse and whatnot the poetry more everything should come together better, but as for what you have... it seems like you tried to use stand-up comedy techniques in an article, or some such, and it just doesn't work. Saying 'they love a good whore, but now onto the actual subject' is just random, and randomness won't generally help you. Go into the subject immediately and stay on the subject. You can say things that aren't are related, that can work, and what you have about the general clichéd poetry stuff is quite promising, that mention of suppressed emotion and whatnot... more of that sort of thing, mon.

The poems are also rather amusing. They're silly and have nice turnabouts and quite frankly they're better than most of UnPoetia, which is kind of depressing, but also a good sign for you. I'd work more on the prose stuff, anyhow.

The Holocaust thing is a nice turnabout, too - completely self-contradictory, but that can work.

The conclusion, though, I think this might work a lot better if you did it in an overly intellectual manner - like some self-important academic trying to... whatever this article is trying to do. What is this article trying to do? Sorting that out (or putting it to use more, if you already know and it just wasn't apparent here) should help immensely.

5
Bloink
Prose and formatting
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
Prose, prose prose... tone is prose. Tone is also something you'll want to work on - either make it seem professional or have a particular reason why it's not professional - say, writing it as if it's a student's report for some literature class or something. For how to write professionally-like, uh... look at wikipedia. For how to write effective crap that could be anything, look at these for examples. Yeah.

Some other things:

  • 'Neo-Nazi' is generally hyphenated.
  • 'Nazi' should probably be capitalised, same as all proper nouns (place names, song names).
  • 'Its' denotes possession; 'it's' is the contraction of 'it' and 'is'; you'll want to be careful about these.
  • It's proper to capitalise the beginnings of sentences and end them with periods (or other applicable punctuation).
  • You should probably get a browser with a spellchecker. Chrome or Opera seem to be the most sane these days.
  • See if you can vary your sentences more - different lengths and structures and whatnot; it currently seems like a lot of them are very short and it makes the reading somewhat jumpy.
  • I added formatting to the poems by use of an indent; other options would be using a <br /> tag (line break) at the end of each line or put each poem inside a <poem></poem> (this tells the software to treat the text differently). The way it was made the entire article look quite spindly, however.
  • 'Engaging scents\ Rearing me unconscious' - I think you mean 'rendering me unconscious', but I'm not sure.
  • 'This article has been brought to you by:' doesn't appear to have any reason for being there.
0
Bloink
Images
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
You really should add some images - not necessarily of the poetry itself, but perhaps the poets? Famous ones, ones at war, ones who sing, etc... or images depicting matters in the individual poems might work rather well as well.
5
Bloink
Miscellaneous
Anything else... or not...
Cheese waffles.
20
Bloink
Final score
1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 20:45, 19 September 2011
This is a good start, mon, but you'll need to tie it together more... and make it prettier. And such. Hopefully this review will help, good luck, and please don't murder me. If you promise not to murder me, feel free to stop by my talkpage with any questions or comments or whatnot. I'm just paranoid because of all the Naziness here.
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