Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:YouKnowWhatTheMusicMeans/FACT CHECK: Birthday Card not as Accurate as Hoped
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As always, I like two different opinions on any given article. My first UnNews, I think it's done. In depth, per favre. Thanks, and have a super-duper day!--You know what the music means... Our time is up. 00:53, December 8, 2009 (UTC)
- Jesus, how do I always seem to link these incorrectly? Here is the article.--You know what the music means... Our time is up. 00:55, December 8, 2009 (UTC)
I'm in here, 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 13:23, December 15, 2009 (UTC)
- May not be 24 hours but I will get it done tomorrow. --ChiefjusticeDS 20:51, December 15, 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||8||Right, I think your humour is very good, and that the humour that is there is very good. I like the idea of analytically examining a small child's card as though it is an official document. My first criticism is that while you have an opening that sets a context for your article and you have a good main section you lack a conclusion. You will notice that if you take a look at a real news article they usually conclude with a statement about the outlook on the issue when one takes into account all the evidence. My feeling was that as I reached the end of your final piece of analysis the article stopped very suddenly, it was like riding a splendid bike down a splendid hill only for the wheels to fall off and be sent crashing to the ground. While this is a somewhat over-the-top way of putting it, it makes the point; your article stops very suddenly. I'm not saying you have to write a long paragraph about the projected impact that this may have upon the world and everyone in it, but simply a concluding sentence that basically says, this is what we have learned, here is what is likely to happen in the near future. My other point is that while you give plenty of evidence as to what a card should not be, you do not offer any suggestion of what a good card should be, you could tie this into my aforementioned idea or at the end of every sentence you could give what the correct line would have been. I am confident that you could think of a way to make this amusing on your own, my feeling would be that you would summarise what was in the paragraph and say something like "Taking this into account the section should read 'Mommy, it is the opinion of myself and those in a familial relationship with the same, that you are performing appropriately in your role as parent and thus continue to be deserving of my respect and affection, at least until your next annual performance review'"
I felt that this article was very much defined by what was conspicuously missing from the excellent material you already have written down. In this respect you may feel that I am scoring you somewhat harshly since what is already there is perfectly valid and amusing, but such is the way disappointment effects my scoring, but I think your article will be vastly improved if you try to expand on what you have already done, not massively, but enough to make an impact, use your judgement in deciding, as it is your article.
|Concept:||9||An excellent concept that is certainly eye catching, you also deliver on the promise of the title which is something some UnNews articles fail to do. My only problem is that your tone starts off like a newspaper and then shifts into some higher brow academic sounding prose. This isn't much of a problem, but your tone may be consistent if you do the preamble in the tone of a newspaper and then you can explain the change in tone by saying something like, "We handed David's card over to Dr. Pedantic, a professor of English Language at Uncycloversity and he returned the following report" While that is not great I am sure you could come up with something infinitely better. Alternatively I may be over complicating this, if you feel that is the case, simplifying the tone a little bit in a couple of places to make it sound like one person is speaking the whole time.|
|Prose and formatting:||8||Your prose are pretty good and I was rightly impressed by the quality of your spelling and grammar throughout. A final proofread wouldn't hurt you especially if your final destination is VFH. The only problem here is with your formatting, I realise the article isn't very long but you should still try to spread your images out as they look quite cluttered and scruffy right now. The only other suggestion I have would be to try increasing the gap between the quotes and the analysis. The reason for this is that when you open the article it looks like a veritable wall of text, some paragraphing within the prose may also, therefore, be desirable.|
|Images:||9||The only mark here comes off for your formatting difficulties, otherwise this is pretty good, just remember your captions should you decide to change the tone and/or humour drastically.|
|Miscellaneous:||8||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||42||As I already said, I think your article is very good and very enjoyable. The points that I have raised generally regard potential improvements and small cosmetic changes to the article, which I would encourage you to exercise judgement in implementing, remember that it is your article and these are just my suggestions. If you have any questions or comments then please leave them on my talk page. Good luck making any changes and well done.|
|Reviewer:||--ChiefjusticeDS 22:59, December 16, 2009 (UTC)|