Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:YesTimeToEdit/Why:Keep Trying

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edit Why?:Keep Trying

No images yet. So just give a zero for that, or an average. But any ideas for that would be welcomed. Just wanna know if this is any good. I just wrote it quite quickly, and want a quick opinion. —CAN'T TAKE HIM ANYWHERE WHORE MafiaHatBlack Mr. Antonio Yettie (talk) [21:30 8 August 2010]

I dunno how quick this is, considering when you stuck up here, but I'll give this an opinion. Maybe even a quick one, but I doubt that. Cheers. ~ Pointy (talk) (stalk) -- 20100828 - 14:06 (UTC)

That is not a booking, anyone can review this one. --ChiefjusticePS3 15:38, August 29, 2010 (UTC)

Yeah, but I think you've shamed me into actually doing it now, now. So... less than 24 hours (from now) shall have this reviewed! Although if it takes over two (now), I'm screwed anyway... ~ Pointy (talk) (stalk) -- 20100829 - 15:45 (UTC)
Gorrammit, self, don't use Opera! *smacks self around* Oh, to have a dollar for every accidentally closed tab... ~ Pointy (talk) (stalk) -- 20100829 - 18:35 (UTC)
Humour: 6 The overall seems to have wound up in the concept section, so for the piece-by-piece:

For the introduction, the love and the ridicule... it seems like you could do more with this as a very beginning bit. Not sure what, though... I know, real helpful. Emphasise the ridicule and scorn more, maybe... some of it is pretty funny. Like the banana. Didn't even know those could die...
Crying, useless, pathetic. Certainly leads well into the why of the thing.
But the failure bit seems to be the core of the article, and it's so lightly brushed on. It's the why there is a why, you know? You'd better, being the one who wrote it. Unless I'm wrong about it.
  • That girl - Which would lead so much better from the why if it led from the why. But that aside, crushing on an ugly cow (ironic that that links to an article saying cows are beautiful), well, it could use something more. Beyond this cow being out of its league, what is there about it? What stupid things has it er, the target/victim thing, what has it done toward the girl? What is the girl like? Has there been stalking?
  • Until a few months ago, that is... - Okay, why a bra? I mean, I guess it fits the whole belittling jerk thing, but on the other hand, what sort of societally capable person would say that? The narrator does live in a house and not an apartment or trailer or blackmailed condo, after all.
So choppy... I mean, the choppiness includes some good ridicule, but it's so choppy.
Anyhwo is not a word. Neither is anyhoo, but what does who have to do with it? Wait, you probably meant anyhow... nevermind.
More on the dog? The good times seem like something to get into. After all, without concrete good times, why do any of this?
  • Ah, I miss the good old days - These would be the concrete good times... Yet it's still so short, so vague. As a madman, he might focus more on this.
Raping and mugging everything that moved - c'mon, specifics. This could be hilarious. Even if it's just a link to something utterly wrong...
But why would the charities get to it the friend thing at all with such a caring friend to look after it it? There must be something else that contributed to this. And for that matter, if they'd done so much for it, why would it be crying so much and still so ill off? That might be something to bring up.
  • So why keep trying? - Such a good friend, eh? So caring... so caring. So it leads on to the actual solution. And maybe it is kind of ironic that only once is the Why? explicitly answered...
  • So I've locked you in... - Ye-eees. This is the stuff. This is what such madmen are truly about. This is the answer to the why and it is the precious that makes the article. In other words, I rather like this section.
Anyways, so what's the petrol for? That never does get answered... madman just goes off for petrol and a light meal and a joint or two. The last bits are reasonable enough (maybe bring up the wife and kitten, just to make it more scary/creepy/funny/ordinary), but petrol? How out in the middle of nowhere is this place where it's been locked in that the vehicle would need a refill? Or is it for burning things? Or what? Or what use is torturing the guy at this point, anyhow? Clearly it'll just keep trying... but if it is to torture and burn, why bring scraps?
...yeah, this confused me a little.
Anyways. Bringing up the psychopathy, it's funny since it's apparently true, but it's almost too literal if you know what I mean. Hinting something at it, or... or maybe just saying outright that he is not a psychopath would work, too. Perhaps because of the wife and kitten as reasons.
Concept: 7 Huh...


*rereads it*

Ooo! A madman article! I love madmen. Even the mean, forceful ones that shove drugs and then... other stuff down your throat... so my soft spot for madmen may be taking over, but I'd say this is lovely indeed.

Except it seems kind of familiar... there hasn't been another article on this sort of thing, has there? I could be imagining things, but it might be something to look into, as such similar things are rarely worth... well, continuing to try working on. Meh, I'll just assume I'm wrong for the sake of this...

As a madman, though, well, the things aren't inherently funny. Usually they have to be either completely off the deep end and thus utterly ridiculous or seem overly normal and be strangely reasonable while at the same time being completely out of touch with reality (or normalcy for the given society). This, I recall, was what made one recent stalker article so hilarious - the guy was being utterly reasonable about something completely unreasonable, and to the extreme. This article feels like it could go down the same path, the guy locking up his friend for his own good. He does, after all, have the makings of a perfectly ordinary creeper, the sort that nobody even suspects - the wife, kitten, apparent job... and he has an incredibly strange way of showing he cares. If you emphasis this more, emphasise the normalcy and the logic (or illogic, perhaps) and just how much the guy really cares... well, the last section is funny, but it could make it (and it all) a whole lot more so.

And some of the links... they need not all lead to what they are literally as you have already demonstrated, but why not make more lead to funny other things, like what the narrator really means, or elaborations of the often vague language, or just more belittlement. For instance, a HowTo relating to rape instead of just rape. And like the charity, that was good. The lol link, on the other hand... that just kind of falls flat.

Prose and formatting: 5 Before I accidentally closed this, I had a long, intricate thing about the paragraphing... or rather, for the most part, the lack thereof. As what is essentially a spoken piece with the narrator yakking colloquially at the poor victim/friend/useless lump/thing it doesn't lend itself very well to traditional breaks, but it also makes for a much choppier read as well. Adding paragraph breaks at major digressions, changes in topic that actually have a purpose and at pause points, regardless of whether or not there is a change in anything, say if the guy stops for breath or to think or to laugh at the crying or to slap the guy would probably help the readability, choppiness (by removing reader expectations that it flow, at least), and prettiness of the thing as a whole.

Mind, what you have already is sensible enough; I just think it needs more. Although apparently I tend to overdo it, myself, so... erm.

Another thing bugging me is the transition from the introduction to That girl; it's not like any of the others which seem more natural. Vague and present as the introduction is, it feels like a rather sudden jump to suddenly some previously not mentioned girl. Maybe if there was mention or some such... although I'm really not sure what the best course about this would be, as the thing is primarily chronological and this section is the beginning. Something, though. Perhaps tie it directly into the why? question...

For that matter, perhaps the whole thing could tie in more to the why. As a whole the article answers the question and then some, but it only actually addresses it once. A reader is liable to forget in the intervening whatnot, really.

On the other hand, maybe this is a good thing. Eh, up to you, anyhow.

And I should also mention that I found a comma and a period that shouldn't be there and a couple of places where there should be commas, among other things. Like the quote - "Where for art thou, Romeo?". if there's punctuation within the quote, why did you add after it too? And there should also be a comma before it.

Anyhow, what I'm getting at is just give this a general proofread. Things usually need that anyhow.

Wait, I thought 'wherefor' was one word... although according to the speelcheck it's 'wherefore'? Eh, not that it matters.

Images: 0 Well, since there aren't any images, zero it is, but as for ideas... those I can throw out. (Although take this with a grain of salt, as I'm not overly good with images, myself.)

I know this is a longshot, but if you could actually find a picture for the dying banana crying thing, that could be pretty epic. Although on the other hand, maybe that's something that would do better un-illustrated, allowing for the reader to make a potentially more ludicrous mental image... so even if you do find something, I'd suggest caution.

Less longshotty, though, would perhaps be something about the heroin or the burning down the house or the dog or the rehab or whatever or the nice things the narrator has that the other fellow doesn't or something to depict what a not a psychopath the narrator is or the murder or... something just from the article, you know?

I'm also thinking an image of that girl might lend itself well to some hilariousness. Something about her ignoring him, or actually being pretty and the narrator just doesn't like her, or being really ugly, or not being a girl, or not being alive, or... well, so many possibilities. Whatever it is, some good captioning could reinforce the section and help start the whole history off.

And maybe you could end it with an image. Perhaps something burning or dark or hopeless, something to conclude the locked-in useless hopeless wreck in the chains and the... whatnots. Some sort of goodbye, perhaps.

Miscellaneous: 5 Make it pretty and this score would be a lot higher. Because prettiness is important. Very important. In fact, it's utterly paramount. To everything. Everything!
Final Score: 23 Assuming this hasn't been done around here, I'd say that yes, it definitely is, as you say, any good. Not great, but there is certainly hope and whatnot; for the most part it's just kind of ugly and possibly too rambly. Although what proper madman isn't rambly?

But anyhoo, if you just make it pretty in all ways of a metaphorical rainbow of prose and insanity and pictures and appearance, this could wind up rather great.

Reviewer: ~ Pointy (talk) (stalk) -- 20100829 - 18:35 (UTC)
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