Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:YesTimeToEdit/Why:Keep Trying
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No images yet. So just give a zero for that, or an average. But any ideas for that would be welcomed. Just wanna know if this is any good. I just wrote it quite quickly, and want a quick opinion. —[21:30 8 August 2010]
- I dunno how quick this is, considering when you stuck up here, but I'll give this an opinion. Maybe even a quick one, but I doubt that. Cheers. -- 20100828 - 14:06 (UTC)
That is not a booking, anyone can review this one. --15:38, August 29, 2010 (UTC)
- Yeah, but I think you've shamed me into actually doing it now, now. So... less than 24 hours (from now) shall have this reviewed! Although if it takes over two (now), I'm screwed anyway...
-- 20100829 - 15:45 (UTC)
- Gorrammit, self, don't use Opera! *smacks self around* Oh, to have a dollar for every accidentally closed tab... -- 20100829 - 18:35 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||The overall seems to have wound up in the concept section, so for the piece-by-piece:
Ooo! A madman article! I love madmen. Even the mean, forceful ones that shove drugs and then... other stuff down your throat... so my soft spot for madmen may be taking over, but I'd say this is lovely indeed.
Except it seems kind of familiar... there hasn't been another article on this sort of thing, has there? I could be imagining things, but it might be something to look into, as such similar things are rarely worth... well, continuing to try working on. Meh, I'll just assume I'm wrong for the sake of this...
As a madman, though, well, the things aren't inherently funny. Usually they have to be either completely off the deep end and thus utterly ridiculous or seem overly normal and be strangely reasonable while at the same time being completely out of touch with reality (or normalcy for the given society). This, I recall, was what made one recent stalker article so hilarious - the guy was being utterly reasonable about something completely unreasonable, and to the extreme. This article feels like it could go down the same path, the guy locking up his friend for his own good. He does, after all, have the makings of a perfectly ordinary creeper, the sort that nobody even suspects - the wife, kitten, apparent job... and he has an incredibly strange way of showing he cares. If you emphasis this more, emphasise the normalcy and the logic (or illogic, perhaps) and just how much the guy really cares... well, the last section is funny, but it could make it (and it all) a whole lot more so.
And some of the links... they need not all lead to what they are literally as you have already demonstrated, but why not make more lead to funny other things, like what the narrator really means, or elaborations of the often vague language, or just more belittlement. For instance, a HowTo relating to rape instead of just rape. And like the charity, that was good. The lol link, on the other hand... that just kind of falls flat.
|Prose and formatting:||5||Before I accidentally closed this, I had a long, intricate thing about the paragraphing... or rather, for the most part, the lack thereof. As what is essentially a spoken piece with the narrator yakking colloquially at the poor victim/friend/useless lump/thing it doesn't lend itself very well to traditional breaks, but it also makes for a much choppier read as well. Adding paragraph breaks at major digressions, changes in topic that actually have a purpose and at pause points, regardless of whether or not there is a change in anything, say if the guy stops for breath or to think or to laugh at the crying or to slap the guy would probably help the readability, choppiness (by removing reader expectations that it flow, at least), and prettiness of the thing as a whole.
Mind, what you have already is sensible enough; I just think it needs more. Although apparently I tend to overdo it, myself, so... erm.
For that matter, perhaps the whole thing could tie in more to the why. As a whole the article answers the question and then some, but it only actually addresses it once. A reader is liable to forget in the intervening whatnot, really.
On the other hand, maybe this is a good thing. Eh, up to you, anyhow.
Anyhow, what I'm getting at is just give this a general proofread. Things usually need that anyhow.
|Images:||0||Well, since there aren't any images, zero it is, but as for ideas... those I can throw out. (Although take this with a grain of salt, as I'm not overly good with images, myself.)
I know this is a longshot, but if you could actually find a picture for the dying banana crying thing, that could be pretty epic. Although on the other hand, maybe that's something that would do better un-illustrated, allowing for the reader to make a potentially more ludicrous mental image... so even if you do find something, I'd suggest caution.
Less longshotty, though, would perhaps be something about the heroin or the burning down the house or the dog or the rehab or whatever or the nice things the narrator has that the other fellow doesn't or something to depict what a not a psychopath the narrator is or the murder or... something just from the article, you know?
I'm also thinking an image of that girl might lend itself well to some hilariousness. Something about her ignoring him, or actually being pretty and the narrator just doesn't like her, or being really ugly, or not being a girl, or not being alive, or... well, so many possibilities. Whatever it is, some good captioning could reinforce the section and help start the whole history off.
And maybe you could end it with an image. Perhaps something burning or dark or hopeless, something to conclude the locked-in useless hopeless wreck in the chains and the... whatnots. Some sort of goodbye, perhaps.
|Miscellaneous:||5||Make it pretty and this score would be a lot higher. Because prettiness is important. Very important. In fact, it's utterly paramount. To everything. Everything!|
|Final Score:||23||Assuming this hasn't been done around here, I'd say that yes, it definitely is, as you say, any good. Not great, but there is certainly hope and whatnot; for the most part it's just kind of ugly and possibly too rambly. Although what proper madman isn't rambly?
But anyhoo, if you just make it pretty in all ways of a metaphorical rainbow of prose and insanity and pictures and appearance, this could wind up rather great.
|Reviewer:||-- 20100829 - 18:35 (UTC)|