Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:YesTimeToEdit/Why:I'm In court, Mum (2nd Review)
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Okay I'm looking for quite an in-depth review from a member of PEEING. Thanks in advance! - [18:21 6 August]
- I've got it! And I promise, I'll not just spam it with pictures of breasts... Rt Hon W E Gladstone MP GOM | Converse | 21:40, 6 August 2008 (UTC)
|The Rt Hon W Gladstone, MP, GOM is currently discharging the contents of his bladder in the vicinity of this particular contribution. You are cordially advised to stand well back, as decades of consorting with courtesans has left his aim somewhat lacking in containment!|
|Humour:||7||You know how some things are just funny? We all get slapstick - everyone, from the toddlers to coffin dodgers can appreciate the sublime and sharply observed wit which is Paul and Barry Chuckle. Some of us get more subtle forms of humour, like for instance the intelligent people who can get the genius that is Monty Python. And then, as I think I alluded to in another previous review, you've got that awkward humour. You know the type - where you laugh out of nervousness rather than out of mirth, out of sheer relief that it's not you who is the subject? This made me feel like that... But you'll have to forgive me, because that's not something which really does it for me, so my score in this section can only relate to how well you do it.
The intro is well observed - the start of any correspondence with your parents is inevitably filled with pointless miuntiae, though I thought lacked a little subtlety (I'd have preferred to be hit by a small omlette pan rather than a cast iron metal skillet, if that makes sense). And then the bit where it feels like observing a car crash in slow motion... And yet it did give me that uncomfortable feeling I get from Peep Show, so it can't be that bad.
|Concept:||8||OK, apart from the fact that you're clearly a sick, sick, sick man, it's quite a funny concept, notwithstanding the fact that I don't get it. That said, it leaves me asking questions which I think could be answered a bit better by the article. How old is the protagonist, and by extension his breasty parent? Is he retarded, or just a bit weird?
The age of the protagonist is quite important I think, because it makes the difference between whether he's a dirty old man, or a more youthful perv. It changes the dynamic of the article. Similarly his mental capacity - <technical unfunny bit> the implication of what you've written suggests that he's probably someone with an autistic spectrum disorder (such as Asperger's), and it's nearly there, but read up a bit and you could get the whole 'unawareness of the subtelties of meaning which ASD types generallyy suffer from'. Try reading 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime', as that's a great example of it.</technical unfunny bit>
|Prose and formatting:||9||Style and Formatting
Let's be honest, you know what you're doing here! The style is spot on - it gets across exactly what you're aiming at.
Prose and Grammar
Generally very good. I like the way it draws on the natural way we talk to our parents in correspondence - lots of subclauses and stuff. My criticisms, which seem petty but are probably more helpful than unadulterated praise, would be that the language could be more subtle. When I go home, we don't call it a 'fart', it's a 'smelly noise', and the same is true of other language. So I'd use different terms for genitalia, and stand back from using to harsh terms in his narrative - it'll also help emphasise the contrast between his words and the language used by the boy.
Spelling and punctuation
One or two spelling mistakes, but not enough to merit a point deduction! There's two typos in one paragraph - "where I ha to lock him in my Poly's birdcage. I'd also try to be consistent and capitalise Mama and Papa. Punctuation-wise, it's difficult, because while it's not spot on I think it actually adds to the article as is, so I'd not change it.
|Images:||7||I think this is a bit disappointing relatively. Condom, Boy, Iron Maiden - they're a bit flat. Not sure what you'd use as alternatives mind, but I just didn't think that they added substantially to the piece.|
|Miscellaneous:||8||Averaged, and bumped up to an 8|
|Final Score:||39||39 is an appropriate score, I think. It's a good piece, but it could be sharper. That said, it's at least as good as much of the stuff on here, but I wouldn't be promoting excellence if I didn't encourage you to improve it further, would I? Anyway, hope that the comments help and all that...|
|Reviewer:||Rt Hon W E Gladstone MP GOM | Converse | 22:55, 6 August 2008 (UTC)|