Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Xamralco/Xenon

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edit User:Xamralco/Xenon

Just a rewrite I'm doing for the particularly bland version of xenon that exists now. I thinks its pretty good now, although I realize it still needs work. So, if someone could review this, it would be great. Thanks. --Pwn head Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 00:44, September 19, 2011 (UTC)

Yessir, tomorrow I shalt do this! ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) Icons-flag-au 11:35, September 19, 2011 (UTC)
ctually don't expect it today, maybe tomorrow some time. I have IRL commitments or something. ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) Icons-flag-au 06:52, September 20, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 6.5 There is a lot of potential humor in this article, but i sadly didn't haha too much because your ideas aren't finished and need to be finished up properly and be expanded upon. So I'll do you a section by section overview so you can understand what I am referring to in a lot more detail.

Introduction - I think by the time a finished this section, I was getting a bit bored. You use the same damn joke over and over, until its just plain dry. Yes Xenon does start with X, but you only need to state this once or twice in a humorous way, hell write yourself into the article and compare your name with Xenon, but please don't over use the joke. Find humor from sources other than the way its spelled. Poke fun at its sadly poor chemical reactivity that's good if pulled off correctly.

The History of Xenon - You sound high, please think this through a bit better. Truth is funnier than outright lies or plain nonsense, or something. So yeah, some actual accurate history rather than endless talk on his expertise.

Questions running through my head - I think you may have been high when you wrote this. Some elements of humor by going absurdly off topic in a very gradual way. But you need to be able to snap back on topic very quickly in order to have proper effect, from what I see it takes until the last section for you to return to topic. You should be back on topic by the end of this section at the latest.

This section is definitely some of the good stuff of your article.

Where does that phrase come from anyway? - Yeah I suggest, you get rid of this section in lieu of some actual content on Xenon. You have been off top for long enough thanks.

Back to Xenon - At long last! We are back on topic a bit. Your impression of a drunk hippy amused me. And I like how you actually managed to stay on topic whilst doing this a nice combination.

I suggest that aside from fixing up the sections add some discussion on chemical info and stuff like that. Could go well. As for your humor, that's my views and I hope you take these ideas on board in order to improve your article.

Concept: 7 Well I guess you have provided a reasonable enough overview of what xenon is. But as I mentioned before you do these things to harm both concept and humor:
  • Overuse jokes until they bore the reader.
  • Don't expand on your ideas sufficiently.
  • Go off topic a lot.
  • Leave out important bits of information.

That's all I'm gonna say because its basically the same issue as before, so yeah, these things are harming your concept greatly. Please try and fix them.

Prose and formatting: 8 This is actually pretty well done. Plenty of links to other articles, and you can spell pretty damn well (beter then eye caaan). And I also like what you've done with the {{Wikipedia}} template. So now for the part where I offer some advice.
  • Format your images a bit better (read images section for moreinformation).
  • No red links. Please?

So yeah good formatting with a couple of minor fixes needed.

Images: 4 Along with some more content as previously suggested, I'd suggest an image or two extra to liven things up a little. Perhaps an atomic model of Xenon along with boring, yet satirical and humorous explanation of its chemistry is a good idea as I said before. But an extra image or maybe even two along with more content would be a good idea in my option. Basically what I see is two images supporting an article which is a lot longer that that, hence the low mark.

Next off, I docked a mark off the format section because of the way the image are formatted. Advice:

  • Don't just use the default image size, fiddle with them to make them better suited, depending on the section size.
  • Align on the left and right.
  • Keep the captions brief.

Thats my image advice for you there.

Miscellaneous: 7.2 Overall rating out of 10.
Final Score: 32.7 Better than the original I believe strongly. But I've seen your true masterworks, and know you can do better. I hope this just phase one and need a push in the right direction, and I hope I've given you this push in the right direction.
Reviewer: ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) Icons-flag-au
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