Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Waylander37/What to do when gypsies steal your carrots
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- Why not. • Puppy's talk page • 05:55 19 Mar
Okay, ignore what the table says, I'm doing concept first.
Huh? What? Where on Earth did this concept come from? It is just really odd. I mean the idea of dealing with the stressors and then subsequent regaining of carrots that have been stolen from you by gypsies, it's just obscure.
That doesn't mean bad. It just seems like an extremely random concept. I don't mind random concepts (Isaac The Tank Engine for instance), but they are just something that nobody would be looking for in a million years.
That does give you the advantage, though, of knowing that it is very unlikely that anyone will be using a similar concept.
So this is predominantly about the recovery of your carrots. From gypsies. That allows you to make a whole bundle of jokes about organising a raiding party, the magic of gypsies, and the uses of carrots.
What I like about this concept is the gypsy angle. Gypsies are an extremely misunderstood people and their culture was ignored by most of Europe for the better part of the last millennia. They were nomads in a place and time where being from "foreign parts" made them odd.
Of course, they were also intelligent pedlars and could see how to strike a hard deal, especially when they had a reputation of being mysterious, how better to make a deal than selling mystery. So for a large part they created their own mystique.
This may seem a little rambling, but this means that there is a huge folklore of gypsy myth that can be drawn upon. The more odd gypsy legends you draw on, the better.
As for the raiding party... I wouldn't add much more in that direction. While that is a major part of your three element concept, you probably don't want that to be the only aspect of it.
|Concept:||7||And this is humour.
Good lede. Short, to the point, and doesn't need, or have, any padding.
Step 1: It's too short. Something else is needed in this section. Probably just breaking the current text and adding a single sentence in here would be good. (Something about staying strong in front of your children? Just an idea.)
Step 2: Good balance between the process and the gypsy stuff. I'd be tempted to make a joke about if the gypsies are rutting in the bushes you may have to go back with one less carrot than what they stole.
Step 3: There isn't that much in here. Maybe something about the techniques of avoiding giving them money (promise to pay them after, as it's likely not all of them will be coming back). Also how do you find members for a raiding party? Local bars or nightclubs? Advertise in the local paper or through eBay?
Step 4: I like the top hat/piano bit. I also like the nurses uniforms, but for completely different and unwholesome reasons. They should also be wearing something pink though - either a scarf or socks or something, as gypsies are colour blind and this will confuse them.
Step 5:Persuading the gypsy king you're a hooker will be much easier while wearing a PVC nurses uniform. I love the sandwich break joke. I think it needs a third repetition though.
Conclusion: I have never seen Kill Bill, so most of the conclusion was completely lost on me. To be honest I'd suggest killing that reference completely. Pikeys steal your broccoli is a brilliant line.
|Prose and formatting:||6||Needs a spelling and grammar check. I saw a few issues, but I wasn't Proofreading as such.
Format is okay. Overall look is fine. That issue I mentioned about step one being broken into two paragraphs relates here as well. The visual aspect of an article can be important.
|Images:||5||Down point. The image of the fence is fine, and placed correctly. The stick waver not so much. Cute idea, but too close to the other image, and too cartoonish.
HowTos, in my opinion, should be image heavy. The basic concept of a how to is to show how. In HowTo:Change a Spare Tire I went for a balance of one image per step. Each of my steps was longer than yours was, of course, but that seemed to me to be the best balance.
Another point while I'm on that, the steps ideally should be the same size.
|Miscellaneous:||6||A good start. Needs more work to get it to completion stage, but this could be mainspaced without any issues. A bit more depth overall, and some more/better images are needed.
Oh, and try to keep the random humour down to the current level. It works as it is in that score - any more would be too much.
|Reviewer:||• Puppy's talk page • 07:40 19 Mar|