Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:WarWalrus/Nazi Poetry (again)

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edit User:WarWalrus/Nazi Poetry

WarWalrus (talk) 10:47, November 29, 2012 (UTC)

Concept: 6 The concept is good, the execution is weak. I looked at the previous review, and I think the score there was a little generous. However, more or less everything the last reviewer said was correct.

The heart of this article would be the poetry. Nobody really cares about what happened to some fictional German soldier introduced solely to give an author name to an article. Well some jokes will exist in the text of the article, think of the text as packaging material or transition from one poem to the next. The article often goes off into randomness after the poem ends. As an example, I'm analyze some of the text.

Ted Himmlerschun survived the war and went on to be the greatest dust bin man of the twentieth century. He had four children and seven grand children. When looking back on the war in 1986, he told an interviewer: "We may have been murderous savages, but we had really cool coats. I mean come on! you've got to give us that". The poem has been published in over two hundred books, giving Himmlerschun enough money to start his own waste removal service in 1992. Himmlerschun died aged 74 in 1994 from a sexual experiment that involved covering himself in leather and suffocating.

First off, "Ted" is not a German first name. Himmlerschun is almost too silly, being word play on Himmler. "greatest dust bin man of the twentieth century" is random. The sentence "He had four children and seven grand children." is pointless filler. Is this to funny, or even an attempt at humor? Does it set up a joke? Does the reader care? The quote about coats isn't funny. If you check the math, Himmlerschun started a waste removal service when we was 72. This sort of math error is jarring to the reader. Is the reader supposed to find the fact that he started a waste removal service is old age funny? The death by sexual experiment also comes off as not funny. You might be able to work that in somewhere, or it might feel forced everywhere.

The poetry itself needs work. The poems should always rhyme consistently. For example, in "Meine Country", the rhyme is AAAAXA. Every line but the penultimate one rhymes. (I use X, instead of B, for lines that don't rhyme with anything.) In "Love Letters" the first one goes AAXYZ. Only the first two line ryhme, the last 3 are unmated. The 2nd one goes AABBCCDDXY. There should always be a consistent pattern to poetry. You, in theory, can, break the rhythm on the last line and still be funny, but that runs the risk of sounding stupid.

Prose and Formatting: 6 There are some formatting errors. The word "Nazi" is always capitalized. I would format the attribution of the poems somehow. Perhaps an indentation would work, play around with it until it looks right.

Don't double attribute the poems, the first poem under "Love Letters" has "Ted" after the poem and "By Ted Himmlerschun." I would pick one style of attribution, and stay with it. The more formal one (By Ted Himmlerschun) would probably work better.

Images: 7 The images fit the article. The image of Nick Griffin feels forced, but it isn't out of place either. You might want another image, such as Hitler or a German soldier.
Humour: 4 Your main issue will be improving the poems and removing the randomness from the text. When writing, ask yourself if something is funny. If not, does it help set up a joke, or would the reader care. Writing humor is basically the process of smoothly transitioning from joke to joke. Such of your article seems to substitute randomness for humor.

Many of the Germans mentioned in your article have English names. You generally sound the names to sound realistic, and not overly silly. For example, Baron Fritzjerry von und zu Gekrautenmachenfurher would be too silly. Joseph would be spelled "Josef" to make it look less English.

Also, the delivery of the joke is as important, if not more so, than the punchline. For example (I've used this a few times):

He was seen cackling, rubbing his hands together, and strutting around the formerly-presidential palace in Paris in a pair of his shinyest black boots and a cape (and nothing else)

is much more funny than

He was seen cackling, rubbing his hands together, and strutting around naked in the formerly-presidential palace in Paris wearing only a pair of his shinyest black boots and a cape

A simple turn of phrase can turn a "random statement" into a fairly good joke.

Improvability Score: 6 This article is fixable, but it will need a good bit of work. The underlying concept is viable, but the execution needs alot to be desired. Probably the entire article will need to be rewritten in one form or another.
Final Score: 29 Please contact me on my talk page. My watchlist is 11,000 articles long, and I may miss any comments here. You may also want to withdraw your nomination at the fork.
Reviewer: --Mn-z 20:12, February 11, 2013 (UTC)
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