Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:WarWalrus/How To: Ram your cock down a pipe

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edit User:WarWalrus/How To: Ram your cock down a pipe

WarWalrus (talk) 00:11, April 3, 2012 (UTC)

I'm bored today so I guess I'll get this one. --Black Flamingo 13:12, April 8, 2012 (UTC)
Humour: 6 Hello WarWalrus, I like your name. How's it going? I vaguely remember reviewing your gypsy carrot article some time ago. How is that coming along?

Anyway, this article is a really good start. It has a decent premise and some really funny lines. Overall I'd say you need to clean the prose up a little and get some more content in there, as it's a bit short.

Let's look at your intro... I like the joke that somebody would want to ram their cock down a pipe, but I think you could take it further. Why is it fun? Who does it impress? What opportunities does it open up? These are things you should be asking yourself, and telling your reader, in your introduction. As for the stuff about it being a sport in Venezuela and how it was invented by a sexually frustrated guy who couldn't afford a plumber (hilarious line by the way) - this kind of ruins the flow, so I would suggest moving it to a separate history section.

Overall the article feels a bit rushed like this. Take your time to talk about the act of ramming your cock down a pipe and see what other good punch lines you can come up with. Some good advice for comedy is to just write and write and write and don't worry if it's shit, because the more you write the more good stuff you'll have to use, and you can always edit the bad stuff out later. 50% of writing is editing, especially when you're just starting out (that's not to say you're starting out as a writer, but you are starting out as an Uncyclopedian).

Pad the article out with some more material. You could get a lot more out of the bit in the Requirements section about needing a cock, for instance... even if it's just something like "remove your pants and look down. If you see a cock, proceed to the next section. If not it's likely you are a woman, and unfortunately women are forbidden from participating in the 'ramming your cock down a pipe' league". Not a hilarious line I know, it's just an idea to help you get as many jokes in there as you can. As another example, you specify how difficult it is to catch/steal a cock, but then don't go on to offer any advice on how to acquire one. Nothing about sex changes/hormone injections/strap-ons? Look for other gaps like this and see how you can fill them (with cocks).

At times the article suffers from randomness, such as where you talk about adding turbo boosters to your cock, which isn't particularly funny; it's just silly. You're dealing with such an absurd article here that I wouldn't recommend making the jokes absurd too; keep it as realistic as possible. Why would you attach a taser to your cock (if that is even what you're saying here)? Our writing guide, which you've probably already read, has lots of suggestions for avoiding random stupidity. In written comedy, the truth is funnier than making random shit up. Unless it's some really funny shit.

Concept: 8 The concept is a bit stupid, but that's why it's funny. The only problem I see here is that the twist at the end (where you reveal you're actually talking about a cockerel) is a bit weak in my opinion. I would recommend getting rid of it (it's too hard to make all of the earlier cock stuff like erections and ejaculations work if you keep this). Also I'm pretty sure it's been done before, and it's too obvious. It's up to you obviously but I think it'd be better without it.

As I said you need a lot more content too, I would recommend you read our featured articles for inspiration on how to be very funny, especially ones like Godzilla vs. Urethra and HowTo:Rob A Bank With Your Penis, which take a similarly silly and penis-orientated approach.

Prose and formatting: 5 Some of the prose is rather sloppy. Here are a few suggested amendments to show you where you're going wrong...

Intro

  • In the intro you repeat the word "sport" too much. Be wary of doing things like this as it can make your writing sound repetitive.

Requirements

  • "It had better be of a suitable diameter" - This would be better as "make sure it is of a suitable diameter", which just flows better.
  • "Your cock may not fit and thus stopping your plans for fun and exercise" - Revise this as it doesn't really make any grammatical sense (don't change the mention of fun and exercise though, that is hilarious).

Safety precautions

  • "In inappropriate times" - This would be better as "at inappropriate times".

Ramming

  • "It's" - should be "its". If you're using the word "it" then the possessive has no apostrophe. I'm not sure why, English is just crazy like that.
  • "Hearts content" - This should be heart's content.
  • "Before the police are called" - This might flow better if it said "before the police arrive".
Images: 3 You only have one and it sorta detracts from the article, in my view. You need a few more; at least three, I would say. You should generally always have one in the introduction, at the very top of the page. This should be something big and definitive that establishes your concept. Again look at our featured articles for ideas on how to use images. If you need an image to be photoshopped then you can always leave a request here.
Miscellaneous: 7 When you mainspace this you want to put it under: How To:Ram your cock down a pipe as per naming conventions. Note the lack of space between the colon and the word "ram".
Final Score: 29 So overall a great start to an article; get some more content and pictures in there and this could be a great finished article. Keep up the good work. If there is anything else you want help with let me know on my talk page. I hope the review is okay.
Reviewer: --Black Flamingo 14:32, April 8, 2012 (UTC)
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