Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:UNmarine777/Republic of Cerveza
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UNmarine777 21:31, July 7, 2012 (UTC)
|Humour:||4||The concept is brilliant, but it does not come off very funny, namely due to the overuse of really irrelevant allusions. At times you can talk about AK-47s, and suddenly talk about pizza; other times you can talk about Vegans, then Homer Simpson, then Indians. While arguably you are trying to portray the life of a Cervezian - indecisive, and flitting from one thing to another, do remember that this is Uncyclopedia, so try to make things readable. If this was readable, it'd definitely be way funnier.
A suggestion is to do what you are doing right now, but use proper grammar. It would be more readable that way. And you could use a consistent voice. Well. Maybe not, actually.
I've talked more about humour inherent in this article in the concept section, so do read below.
|Concept:||10||I cannot say that I enjoyed reading this article, mostly due to it being peppered with way too many ideas, and way too many allusions. I can see Martin Luther King appear somewhere, then KFC, then Jim Carrey. The bad thing about this is that there appears to be no central theme tying your entire article together. There has to be a central theme to your article as it is a long article. You want it to be readable.
I can, however, kinda see some sort of idea you are trying to bring with your article - the idea of Cerveza being an Illuminati-esque dystopian society, whereby the government/Niko Bellic/Cerveza's next top premier acts according to his whims, and does somehow have the world in his grasp. I can see you are trying to portray that the society is an unhappy, uneducated, oppressed, hungry, sad society, but you are juxtaposing this with the concept of technological advancement, easily accessible health policies, and a somewhat bustling economy.
This article is very obviously satirical of the American society, parallelism to America rampant everywhere in the article. Accordingly, this article can be interpreted as a social critique from a conservative standpoint. After closer inspection, I can see that you are trying to illustrate the risks of science; it is a very interesting attack on the concept of the social contract. Your article raises Machiavelli's age-old question - Do the ends justify the means?
Interestingly, you included a section "The Ten-Minute War", which lasted for approximately 11 minutes and 6 seconds, a clear allusion to the Hundred Year War, which lasted for 116 years. Furthermore, the Cervezian foreign policy is described to be "if all the cool countries do it then we should", but secretly ensures that there are no cool nations. Furthermore, you describe Cerveza is a meddling nation, "secretly running the world since 1939. Evidently, you are taking a dig at the American foreign policy, whereby America believes it is the only cool nation in the world. Logically, the only course of action to this is for America to meddle with other nations, which it is doing - similarly, Cerveza attempts (successfully, however) to control the world.
The lack of education is a startlingly similar to America's situation, whereby it can be argued that the Democrats traded education and happiness for technology, health, and straying away from Reaganomics to pursue its tax-the-rich schemes. This critique successfully illustrates American policies and the impact of American policies, though perhaps from a satirical viewpoint, using hyperbole.
I also enjoy the flag of Cerveza, whereby the Greek flag is bastardized to include a communist logo. This very clearly can be seen to be an indication of the future of the American economy. Furthermore, the Coat of Arms, very similar to Mozambique's flag, is symptomatic of a low Human Development Index, which is something that this article portrays to be traded for overall advancement.
To conclude, this article has a brilliant concept, and its rapier wit resonates with its ideological beliefs. However, the only obstruction between this article and Nirvana is perhaps the formatting (and the inanely insane amount of allusions). Do work on that.
|Prose and formatting:||2||Whenever you have a punctuation mark, you have to follow it up with an empty space. You do not write "Humanity,The Universe"; rather, you should write "Humanity, The Universe", with the space in the middle. The first sentence itself already has a glaringly obvious error - you have to capitalize the world 'partially' as well. Also, you have to begin sentences with a capital letter. Your grammar seems to be kinda lacking eh.
A little more Grammar Nazicism: you either have dots in every letter of an abbreviation, or no dots at all. Your first abbreviation (SROCTPAD) is fine, but the United Nations is UN or U.N., not U.N with a single dot. Don't randomly pepper your article with capital letters - I see no reason why you'd capitalize the word 'first' in the middle of a sentence, or the word 'Repeat'. Your spelling is pretty much okay though, surprisingly.
|Images:||6||High Quality images which reflect and are able to portray Cerveza particularly well. Something particularly interesting is the usage of the Cervezian dollar. It is representative of the Government's lack of heart and lack of effort, something again, reflective of the American government. Good on you bro.
Furthermore, something that intrigues me greatly is that the images that you have provided of cities (with the exception of the pharm/farm one) are all images about Detroit! This thusly re-affirms this article as a piece of satire regarding America. Here, take a look: 1 2 3 4 5
I enjoy how you use the images to your advantage, to portray American/Cervezian society, vis-a-vis the language used in the article, again representative and symptomatic of a citizen hailing from America/Cerveza.
|Miscellaneous:||1.3||Average of your scores, subtracted by 4.2 for the fun of it.|
|Final Score:||23.3||Just so you know, Cerveza means beer. Though you probably already knew that.|
|Reviewer:||07:23 September 23|