Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:ThomasPynchonsLeftNut/Anaheim Ducks

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edit Anaheim Ducks

Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 20:33, 23 March 2009 (UTC)

Not sure what I did wrong entering the article, but here's the link: User:ThomasPynchonsLeftNut/Anaheim Ducks

I'm not sure this is funny enough. I really like the concept, but I don't know if I executed it very well. Is there a huge hockey fan out there? That understands the issue at hand here? That when the NHL gave Disney a team and they slapped a cartoon on the sweater, how it really was an affront to true fans? Anyone? I'm just not sure. Maybe if I tone down the Satan aspect? But let me stop influencing your review. Thanks.

Cheevers99
This article is under review by
Gerry Cheevers.

Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!!

who better to review this than a two-time stanley cup champion goaltender? SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 17:38, 24 March 2009 (UTC)

(I secretly hoped you would grab it, but I didn't want to be presumptuous...) --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 17:44, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
Humour: 6.8 average of sections
  • intro: 7.5

well, my hopes were lowered when you said 'maybe i should tone down the satan aspect', becasue usually articles doing things like referencing satan end up being the worst kind of pointless drivel. however, having read your introduction...that is not the case. good for you! i actually did like the way you set it up, and the quiz was just okay but the footnote pushed it past that into 'good' territory. the rest of your intro is solid, sets up the rest of the article, and makes me want to keep reading: mission accomplished. perhaps in the description of the cult of hockey you could have a better objective than to 'score points', as the other analogies are good but this one seems tacked on. perhaps a deity of some sort, or maybe all hockey fans are just looking to be distracted from the cold, or something. if you're going to link to an article, it really doesn't matter if the article is good or not, but if you're going to say 'see NHL for more information', you should check that article out...and NHL is a smelly one. if you're going to leave that reference in, you should look to at least clean up NHL a bit.

  • duck origins: 7.5

again funny. i enjoy the direction you've taken. a few notes: i would consider making it more expressly clear that you're talking about disney as satan, becasue an easily distracted reader might think you're just referring to the good ol' devil. the a-hockey-lypse didn't work for me.

  • early duck struggles: 6

this section is okay, but it's really short. beef it up with some more content about the early years of the franchise, maybe some attendance figures or something along those lines.

  • playoff success: 6

this section is again short, and you start to blur the line between mickey mouse, disney, satan, and the devils. make it a little clearer which entitiy is being discussed for the sake of the article's flow.

  • occult schism threat: 7

good section, liked the emilio estevez joke, solid overall. i'd like to see a reference to the success of the devil rays after they removed the 'devil' from their name. again, pretty much the only thing holding this section back is the length.

  • holy of holies: 6

pretty good again, but this is the climax of your article; it should be the longest, most detailed section. go a little more in-depth about the playoff run, the players, the coach, the fans...anything you can think of to add some more meat to the flavor.

  • satan smiles: 7

good conclusion, but again, it's only three sentences long. toss in some more content about how hockey ahs changed and things of that nature.

Concept: 8.5 4.5/5 points for a well-known subject worthy of parody. close to a 5, but hockey isn't followed as well as even NASCAR anymore, and you might have a tough time selling the subject to some of our chappies from across the pond.

4/5 points for execution. i really do like the theme and the way you went about building this article. the mighty ducks fiasco was an absolute sellout, and it makes me cringe to think i could have been born ten or twenty years earlier and thus been able to watch hockey as it was meant to be. some of your execution was a little lacking, but it's all minor details that can be fixed, which i'll summarize in the final comments section.

Prose and formatting: 6.5 your prose was properly cryptic, i imagined it being read by a guy with a really creepy voice. no real spelling or grammar or formatting errors. lower than average score becasue this could be a lot longer. i don't mean adding content for the sake of length, i mean your ideas can be fleshed out into large, proper paragraphs instead of the smaller ones you have now. sit, read your article, read HTBFANJS many times, and then see what else you can add that is relevant to your existing content.
Images: 7.5 a proper number of images for the length, relevant, and contributing to the article. i'd maybe switch the first two - the first image should always be as basic as possible, and i think the logo would serve better at the top.
Miscellaneous: 7.4 averaged via statistics
Final Score: 36.7 my preview button tells me that your final score is 36.7, putting this article a shade above 'adequate'. faced with this on VFH, i might go with a weak against or an abstain, becasue it's not quite 'there' yet. i think if you focus on adding some more relevant content and fix the confusion between disney and satan and devils, you could very well be looking at a feature. good job, good luck, if you need anything else don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page.
Reviewer: SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 18:18, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
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