Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:TheHumbucker/UnNews In Progress

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edit UnNews In Progress

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Chiefjustice32X 22:50, March 7, 2011 (UTC)

Thanks ChiefJusticeDS. Could I get this looked at, preferably by an American with an eye on concept, the last line and just how far "over the line" it goes? ~ Humbuck Talk 22:53, March 7, 2011 (UTC)
I'm American, and I have eyes which means you are in luck Jackofspades (talk) 23:25, March 7, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 7 As with most UnNews the majority the humor is derived from the concept (which is awesome, discussed below.) So this section will be mainly telling you how awesome this article is. Ok maybe not, you have quite a few jokes thrown into this article which gives the reader something to laugh at as they read about how stupid Americans are. I think that you could do a little more with the in between parts. Right now they read a little bit like a list of companies that are looking to advertise, which is pretty much all it is. I think you could add a little bit more satire in these areas. Even if that just means adding a company that shouldn't be in there, like Disney, could be a major improvement.

Almost forgot to mention. That last line is good, don't change it. It's a great mockery of GWB and takes a second to get what it actually means. All of these things are good, in case you couldn't tell.

Concept: 8.5 I think this concept is brilliant. It's a great commentary on how corporations in America will do anything to make a quick buck. The main thing that I think should be changed is the part about the Republicans trying to get in on this. I think this makes the overall concept weaker as it extends the problem to everyone in America rather than just the companies. Simply changing the names of the Republicans and Democrats to other companies will still let you keep the joke at the end of the paragraph, but I would suggest taking out the part about being asked to put Obama on the towers to something that a company would ask, as political parties are unlikely to pull a stunt like that as it would be bad rep, and as we all know good humor starts with a seed of truth. What may be more likely is a corporation asking to have a banner for a demolition company or fire/life/earthquake/terrorist attack insurance as that is equally distasteful, but more likely to actually happen. Everything else about the article is good as it mocks American, capitalism, and best of all George Bush. I would recommend putting the quote "It's already more...Old Spice commercials" a little bit sooner and changing it around a bit because it's a good joke, but you already have a good joke right at the end and spacing them out a bit is usually a good idea. Maybe change it to something like "Commercials shown during this video will influence Americans psychologically more than the Old Spice ads." or something like that.
Prose and formatting: 8 The prose in this article is great. No spelling or grammar errors that I can find, and if Spike reads through it I'm sure he'll fix the ones that I couldn't find. You have line breaks in good spots that give your article a bit of girth without looking like you're overdoing it. Assuming you copy-paste this into the edit box for UnNews articles you will need to make sure to keep the {{date}} and {{news}} templates at the top (which I forgot on my latest UnNews,) and make sure you put all of the data for your source into the {{source}} template. Other than that, great!
Images: 8 Although it's not going to pass VFP any time soon this is a pretty good picture that is pretty funny by itself. The caption makes it seem like the picture is a joke (which it is, but it shouldn't be in UnNews universe.) I think it should be changed so that it reads something more like "Failed advertisements have begun to be leaked to the public" or something similar as long as they aren't "spin offs." The picture could also be quite a bit bigger as right now it's really small compared to the rest of your article. Also, good job on having the balls to put your pic on the left.
Miscellaneous: 8 Overall "feel" of the article.
Final Score: 39.5 Nice little UnNews you have here. Once again you've done Uncyc proud.
Reviewer: Jackofspades (talk)
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