Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Tagstit/Unnews:Sexter abused, possibly raped
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Just a new unnews I made. Lookin to fix it up for a possible VFH. Please indepth and by a peeing member. Thanks!20:28, 10 April 2009 (UTC)
- Shall I correct some of the spelling errors for you? —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 20:37, 10 April 2009 (UTC)
- Please do, I just typed this up quickly and had to run. Thanks man 21:38, 10 April 2009 (UTC)
And just a warning I havent done one of these "pees" in ages. Also I'm also looking for a feature with my latest why?, read it and let me know what you think please? ;) ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 12:31 17 April 2009
|Humour:||6||Over all I found it quite funny but there’s a few other “bits” that could be added to make this funnier and less rushed. Looking at my prose and formatting section would also help boost this score because, as I’ve explained, expression is very important. But anyway:
Big up the outrage A LOT more. People get stupidly angry about stuff – more so now that their opinions are broadcast on the news. Get a neighbour to fiercely denounce technology, “and those phones, they fuck with young people’s heads!” or something like that expanded to paragraph length.
Get another interviewee to mention how he “heard her screams”, you know to further blur the reality. Could also mention that he was having some kind of domestic situation at the time (though the medium of text obviously).
You should see where I’m going by now but I also suggest that instead (possibly as well, but I’d rather instead) of her complaining about having her virginity stolen have her complain about the fact he gave her a STD/I (Sexually Transmitted Disease/Infection). To further add to the absurdity.
Also over all I though the narration seemed a bit too balanced. Take a side. Preferably the wrong one.
|Concept:||8||Good and funny: an imaginary crime getting an imaginary punishment and all the hoo-ha in between! It has loads of potential it just feels a bit rushed right now. Much like what UU said to me about my latest article.|
|Prose and formatting:||5||yeah, like with monkey lover I thought some of your language was a bit awkward sounding. Especially your first sentence: “It is becoming more and more popular in our world; our children, using their ability to text, participate in an activity known as, phone sex, or as it is called on the streets, sexting.”. Too much in there for a start and way too many commas. In my opinion at least (but then I have been told I use too few). Try something along the lines of: “There is a new craze sweeping across the nations youth: Sexting! Our children. Having sex. Though the medium of text!” I’d say this was better because it’s more urgent and fear-mongering (or more like the media nowadays) and it also gives the narrator a voice, which I think he lacks..
It sounds picky but “an “lol”” really wasn’t necessary and feels horrible on the tongue. I see what you’re trying to do but it’s not necessary, “What’s a “lol”?” suits the purpose just fine.
Also you should source UnNewses if it came from a real story (I don’t know if this did or not, just saying.) And you should also have where this story happened at the start in bold, for example: London, England – or Family Home, Alabama –, I’m not saying you should use either of those, I’m just saying it’s normally formatted like that (If this is based on a real new).
As a side note I’m not sure what was actually happening with the text speak, you seemed to drift between leet, LOLCAT and txt speak at random, perhaps that’s what made it funny though, I’m just curious if you intended that or not. It is funny spelling the as “teh” when texting though. I did that by accident once.
|Images:||6||The first one had too long a caption for what it needed to say. I’d get rid of the second sentence entirely because it’s being too explicit about your main idea too early on. And the first sentence is just factual, try something like this: “This newfangled craze is sweeping the nation's youth, and scaring the nations old!”
The second one: visually it works ok, even looks funny by itself but try this caption. “A mother reads what happened to her daughter through the phone. She too, is pressing charges against the teenager.” See what I mean?
|Miscellaneous:||6.25||I presume that when you main-space it you’ll have the title read: “UnNews:“Sexter” abused, possibly raped” capital N to make sure it goes in the correct namespace and the inverted commas because “Sexter” is still a relatively new term and will help avoid confusion (I thought you’d misspelled Dexter).
Oh and I do think this could make feature because you’ve got such a great concept, just not as it is now.
|Final Score:||31.25||If you’d like to thank/ask/insult me about anything please visit my talk page.|
|Reviewer:||~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 20:40 17 April 2009|