Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Tagstit/Unbooks:Dairy of a Monkey Lover
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If you are not SysRq, don't review this...only his opinion matters. Oh ya Orian's too.15:16, 3 February 2009 (UTC)
Pee Review In Progress
Checkit bitches, this review is as good as peed on. I'm marking my effing territory. Said article is being reviewed by:
- This may have to wait until tomorrow. I tried to schedule you in today, but I've just had lunch meeting after lunch meeting. Like, I've eaten so many sandwiches from Chili's Too, I'm about to fucking burst. My entire day has been one big lunch. Tomorrow, friend. I have much to say about this article. —Sir SysRq (talk) 23:28, 3 February 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||Okay, sorry for being late on this, but I do have some opinionated opinions on this article. The humor for this article is slightly below average. I was actually pleasantly surprised upon reading this, considering my general idea of monkey-related articles is that they are utter shit. This was pretty good. However, it was very cliched for the most part, and very predictable. This can be both good and bad. Perhaps this can help you with your conclusion, which you have yet to write, which I will discuss later.
First of all, though, I want to tell you what I mean by "cliched and predictable". Monkeys are generally considered to be funny animals by most people. This does not mean that one can write an article about monkeys and have it automatically be funny. It means that we've heard all the monkey jokes before and want to hear something new. Your narrative is somewhat entertaining, although somewhat inconsistent as you tend to switch between the romantic side of the relationship and the sexual one. I suggest you choose one and stick with it. Is this character just fed up with human women being psychotic and enjoys the company of monkeys, who do not speak English? Or does he just want to fuck a monkey? You need to establish this early on and be consistent with it.
Now, the ending can be one of two things. One is that you could have your character get married to the monkey in the custom of the animals and live happily ever after as a crazy man living with apes. Whoop-de-freakin'-do. Boring. I suggest you do something else, something unexpected. I think I mentioned earlier that this article reminds me somewhat of UnBooks:My New Life as a T-Rex in that it documents a radical change in a man's life from a first person perspective. What made that article funny was that it had a twist ending. The entire article is a setup for one single punchline: "Who the fuck would wanna change genders?" It's ironic that Gavin would be judgmental of a transgender individual when he himself is something much stranger. Perhaps you could do something similar, perhaps your character could come across someone living with some other group of animals and say that said individual is a freak. Another good technique would be to fast-forward a good number of years into the future to when the character learns that the lifespan of monkeys is nowhere near that of humans. Or maybe he just gets sick of living with monkeys, comes home, and finds that his friend has moved in with a black man and judges him for it. Or, to get really crazy, you could create a total twist ending and do something entirely different. Perhaps they're not really monkeys, perhaps they take off costumes and they turn out to be gorillas, causing the character to freak out ("I don't wanna live with the gorillas! That's crazy!") and run naked out of the jungle. I hope these ideas get that big noggin' of yours to start thinking about endings, whether or not you use any of these will not affect my opinion of this article, nor will it affect future scores in any future review of this article. They're yours if you want 'em.
|Concept:||7||Much of the conceptual problems with this article were addressed in the previous section, so this will be pretty brief. However, the idea of just doing a straight narrative like this gets no complaints from me. It's a very liberating style, it allows you to develop your character and provide the reader with a very good look at the situation, as the reader gets to see your narrative from eye level.|
|Prose and formatting:||5||This is usually where I find you needing work, Tags. You're a funny guy, you've got some great ideas, but you just need to work on your writing some. First of all, you've got some issues of just basic grammar and spelling. Your sentence structure leaves much to be desired as well. Try to read up on some good writing; I have no links for you, just go crack open a freshman English textbook and you should find everything you need in there. Writing is a skill that is developed over time, so you'll get better at it. But just bear in mind that not only are you trying to make us laugh, you're trying to communicate your ideas effectively and neatly. Writing from a character's point of view is difficult, too, since you're writing in a voice other than your own. Try spending some time thinking about what kind of person your character is. Think about what we discussed in the humor section as far as what he actually wants from monkeys: love or sex. Bottom line: your writing needs work. Go look at what I changed in Cardboard Box and try to identify similar mistakes in this article.|
|Images:||8||Great images. You get bonus points for being consistent and thematic in style. While not particularly "hilarious", they were effective and served their purpose. You broke up text appropriately and had good captions that were relevant to the story, bringing the reader back to the text. Good job here.|
|Miscellaneous:||6.5||Averaged using Pee.|
|Final Score:||32.5||This is most certainly a work in progress. You know this, and I know this, but it bears repeating so what the hell. I think you have a very decent start here, you just need to flush out your ideas and organize your thoughts into one article that flows together and is consistent in both tone and attitude. Think about what kind of character you're dealing with. Write with his voice, not your own. Finally, come up with an ending. Keep these things in mind as you expand this potentially epic work. Good job, Tags.|
|Reviewer:||—Sir SysRq (talk) 23:48, 4 February 2009 (UTC)|