Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Snake7/HowTo:Fix the economy
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This is only my second article but I think it is a least better than the first. Snake7 02:42, 14 January 2009 (UTC)Snake7
|Humour:||3||Alright well this is a good attempt and I always love the point of view that you used this time. I don't know which one it is but its good, I have done a few myself. The problem I see here is that you try too hard. I do see a few good things though! For example, I like how you use the point of view of a teenage girl, and talk about how the economy effects her. For example she can't get a Hummer and can't afford a scholarship. Really minute things compared to the real effects of an economy crisis. Another good thing is at the end where the girl talks about how her boyfriend always agree with me so my ideas must be good and how she gives simple solutions to complex problems. For example the illegal alien problem how we can just tell them to go away.
These all sound like good things and the reason I am saying all these is because I read your last review and it wasn't so good either, so I thought I would tell you what you're doing right so you know what to keep. But I would be misleading you and in the end hurting your progress if I told you everything was perfect.
There are many things that need work here. First, you try too hard. You try too hard to jump from one joke to the next and it just amounts to a poor writing style and in the end your left with a series of weak unconnected jokes. The best articles flow. Don't be afraid to add lines that aren't meant to be funny, because this just strengthens your article. Doing so would majorly bulk up your article and make it much funnier. By the way, I don't know any teenagers who think Obama is hot, that was creepy.
I DO have an idea though. You can choose to ignore it or not, but I have seen MANY teenagers jumping on the Obama band wagon (I think that is the phrase) and rooting for him no matter what happens. Maybe a good direction to take this article would be to praise Obama like he is a god. Saying he will solve all of our problems and how great is economy plan is and if we just follow him, all of our troubles will be solved. And then at the end you can even take it to an extreme. It is an idea, I guess, it might give a better direction in your article.
|Concept:||4||Meh, it is a good concept I suppose. And the way you take it is more interesting then just listing problems and solutions. What you could do to make it more readable, is that with these kind of articles, where its someone talking to you or someone else, is to break it up into many one paragraph lines, but that is more for prose. Take a look at Timeshare it is pretty good and is written in the same style. That's all I really have to say on concept though. It could work, more tips on how to improve your writing is next.|
|Prose and formatting:||2||Yikes! There were sooooo freaking many misspellings that were like a slap in the face. For example, I think every time you have said America you have spelt it wrong. One time you even wrote Amarica. A simple spell check could do wonders could greatly improve your article. But for a few more are put dollar signs in front of the prices of your food, the first line of what can we do should be, "make sacrifices" not "make sacrifice", and the second paragraph of the sentence is incorrect, "things all the time go right" should be rearranged.
Now as for HOW you write. For something written in this point of view, it is a good idea to put "Hahas" and "umms" in there as well as "OH!s". This gives the article more of a personal feel somehow I suppose. That's not the right word. It is just easier to read I guess. Again read the article I linked for some good ideas.
|Images:||5||There are two and I will be brief here. The first one should be replaced with a funnier one, the second one should just be removed because I have nightmares now, and there should be a third one. Three pictures is really a good amount to have.|
|Final Score:||17||Well, a step from your last one. But MUCH improvement is possible. Reach your full potential and the concept can really take you a far way. So in conclusion 1) Bulk your article up 2) Fix spelling 3) Make it more girly so to speak, because it is presented by a dumb blonde stereotype. Good luck! Don't hesitate to contact me on my page if you have any questions!|
|Reviewer:||--Tagstit 04:33, 14 January 2009 (UTC)|